Dear So and So

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Dear A-hole brother of mine,
Last time you started screaming and cursing me and hanging up the phone on me a few years ago, our mother was alive and well, and when she got sick and slowly deteriorated, you and I still needed to occasionally communicate in order to discuss necessary things concerning her and family matters. We somehow maintained a strained phony friendly facade with each other. It wasn't easy, believe me.

However, now that she is resting in peace I no longer have any need to put up with your control-freak toxic anger and a-hole-isms. Thus, when despite my quiet plea to continue to talk things out on the phone this evening so that we could each express our thoughts in turn and somehow reach an understanding and a compromise regarding the latest fiasco, you flew into another inappropriate rage and cursed and yelled and hung up on me again.
I am blessed to have my sweet DH to comfort me after your insane outburst.

Well.... I simply don't NEED someone like you in my life anymore, regardless of being related to you. Go yell at yourself from now on. It's no coincidence that your older son has refused to see you or speak to you for the past 2 years. He had enough of your b*llsh*t too.
I'll stick with my other brother- who is a kind and loving human being (as are most of the other people in my life), thank you very much. And for you.... here's a free one way ticket to Palukaville. Bon voyage.

[IFjane]

.... here's a free one way ticket to Palukaville. Bon voyage.

Lisa- {{{{HUG}}}}

I have no surviving brother to feel that way about - thankfully - but my soon-to-be-DH does, and we would love to send him to Palukaville as well.

Take care, hang in there, be strong and DON'T LET HIM GET TO YOU!

[Velobambina]

Lisa---Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself. Having toxic siblings myself, I know it isn't easy but it's for the best to know when to let go.

[Velobambina]

Dear Boss---I should have trusted my excellent "people radar" skills and not agreed to work for you. Yesterday, someone who's had professional contact/association with you for years told me that you are a backstabber, verifying my increasingly sinking feeling that it really is all about you. Please don't lie if my home office management calls you to confirm that the job I'm in is NOT the job you promised.

I don't like working for you--you spread chaos due to your ramped up Type A personality, lack of organization, and overuse of caffeine. I could deal with it IF I had real work. Please put your overblown ego aside and recognize the TRUTH -- there is no work available commensurate w/my grade & skill levels. It's not really even your fault because it's due to the budget cuts.

Dear Home Office Boss---Let me come home! Please look over the matrix I sent you, clearly showing that what was promised is not the reality. I'll take an assignment no one else wants just to be fully utilized and contributing to mission again.

Dear Self---If you are stuck completing this rotation, focus on the fact that you have only until 30 September and in July, you can start applying for other jobs. Endeavor to make lemonade out of lemons and to find humor in the situation.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Thank you TE sisters.

[Tuckervill]

Lisa, that sounds just like something I could have written about my eldest brother, but my mom is still alive. Remember your anger and resentment just damages you, not him. You could do like I did. I wrote all my diatribes and rants and accusations and vents out on a blog and posted it for all the world to see, using his real name. I never publicized it, and search terms don't find it, so I doubt it has ever been read by anyone at all. Every once in a while, when I am guilted by my mom or somehow drawn back into his world, I go out and reread and post, and remind myself why I am severing all possible ties.

I feel for you, because it's hard to "walk the fine line between self-respect and self-abuse" just for your parent's sake.

Be true.

Karen

[MM_QFC!]

Hang in there, Lisa - you've had lots to deal with and this very painful decision wasn't made lightly, I'm sure. Anyone who chooses to be an a**hole in my life prompts the same decision from me. There should not be any need to have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset someone, especially a sibling, f'chrissakes. Hopefully, he'll grow up and get healthy and realize the huge loss in not having the gift of his sister in his life - whew!
(((Lisa)))
Mary

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Lisa, that sounds just like something I could have written about my eldest brother, but my mom is still alive. Remember your anger and resentment just damages you, not him. You could do like I did. I wrote all my diatribes and rants and accusations and vents out on a blog...Every once in a while, when I am guilted by my mom or somehow drawn back into his world, I go out and reread and post, and remind myself why I am severing all possible ties.

Thanks again every one of you. I was able to vent to my wonderful DH and also discussed it with a good girlfriend this morning on our walk. That felt good. I've decided that as a therapeutic medicine I am going to make an actual One-way ticket to Palukaville. I am a graphic illustrator so this will be a fun little project and a way to work through my feelings. I would love to actually mail it to him in an envelope with no note, ....but that would be pretty immature, so I'll just keep it as a symbolic statement.
I've always thought that creating something physical from a painful experience is a good thing, whether it's a drawing, poem, planting a flower or tree, a blog, voodoo doll, or whatever.
Mary- you are right about the stepping on eggshells business. That's the exact description my mother used to give me about her relationship with this brother of mine. He has some major issues and though he took some anger management sessions once years ago, he never got the real one-on-one type of longterm therapy he needs so badly. He won't admit he has a problem, blames everyone else for everything, and I've finally had enough of it.
It's a sad thing to give up on the idea of having him as a true brother, but it's been going on long enough and I want to move forward in a positive way now, and leave him and his creepy anger issues behind me. The bad vibes will always be there when I think of him, but I will try to keep myself positive about my part in it all. I am working on not being angry and resentful, as I do know that all that does is make me feel bad, and I shouldn't feel bad because I haven't done anything bad! (what a concept, huh?)
It's good to know I'm not alone in dealing with such things.

[indysteel]

Dear A-hole brother of mine,
Last time you started screaming and cursing me and hanging up the phone on me a few years ago, our mother was alive and well, and when she got sick and slowly deteriorated, you and I still needed to occasionally communicate in order to discuss necessary things concerning her and family matters. We somehow maintained a strained phony friendly facade with each other. It wasn't easy, believe me.

However, now that she is resting in peace I no longer have any need to put up with your control-freak toxic anger and a-hole-isms. Thus, when despite my quiet plea to continue to talk things out on the phone this evening so that we could each express our thoughts in turn and somehow reach an understanding and a compromise regarding the latest fiasco, you flew into another inappropriate rage and cursed and yelled and hung up on me again.
I am blessed to have my sweet DH to comfort me after your insane outburst.

Well.... I simply don't NEED someone like you in my life anymore, regardless of being related to you. Go yell at yourself from now on. It's no coincidence that your older son has refused to see you or speak to you for the past 2 years. He had enough of your b*llsh*t too.
I'll stick with my other brother- who is a kind and loving human being (as are most of the other people in my life), thank you very much. And for you.... here's a free one way ticket to Palukaville. Bon voyage.

Lisa, as I indicated in a prior post from last week, I don't have a relationship with my toxic sister. It'll be five years in August since I chose to walk away. It was both the hardest and best decision of my life. She was sucking the life blood out of me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally admitted that it couldn't, at least not under terms that I could live with. I sought therapy when I made that decision--the other best decision of my life. I miss the idea of a loving, functioning sister but I don't miss her. Being freed from that relationship has allowed me to move forward in my own life.

I hope you also find peace in your decision.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Lisa, as I indicated in a prior post from last week, I don't have a relationship with my toxic sister. It'll be five years in August since I chose to walk away. It was both the hardest and best decision of my life. She was sucking the life blood out of me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally admitted that it couldn't, at least not under terms that I could live with. I sought therapy when I made that decision--the other best decision of my life. I miss the idea of a loving, functioning sister but I don't miss her. Being freed from that relationship has allowed me to move forward in my own life.

I hope you also find peace in your decision.

Indysteel,
Thank you for the encouraging words. I have found peace with it. I have thought about doing this a few times already over the years, but never acted on it. And eventually the long cycle would repeat itself.
This time, I waited 3 days after his angry phone outburst- talked things over with my wise and loving DH and waited 3 days to think carefully, cry, and think again before I responded to bully brother. Then I composed a calm email simply and clearly explaining why he would no longer be in my life, and that I wished not to be contacted by him at all anymore. The message was strong and clear. It was definitely time. I sent it off yesterday morning.

Immediately after hitting the "send" button, I felt strangely calm and peaceful. It felt right. I fully expect he will blame me (since he is never to blame) and thus I really don't expect to hear from him at all anymore. He knows that any attempted contact from him will be refused in any case.

I feel good that I made this decision and acted on it. It's really the healthiest thing both for me AND for him. Perhaps it will in a small way encourage him to finally seek help sooner rather than later.
I think you and I both realize that yes we do so fervently cling to the idea of having a loving sibling...it is such an irresistible idea...but these people simply would never be able to be that, no matter what we do or don't do to try to make that happen. Though a certain amount of change is possible when someone wants to change, we must give up the unrealistic and perhaps selfish fantasy of them becoming what we want them to be. If they are causing us nothing but unhappiness year after year, it eventually becomes time to put the relationship out of its misery.

...And who is to stop either you or I from someday symbolically "adopting" a new brother or sister from amongst our most cherished friends? I've never had a sister and the idea of this is very appealing in a lovely childlike sort of way.
I will keep my antennae out as I continue my journey through life.

[Velobambina]

Dear Guardian Angel--Thank you for whispering in my boss's ear and in her heart, convincing her to support my decision to return to my home office. Please let upper mgt in my home office be as kind and supportive, giving me an interesting, challenging assignment & not being vindictive about my recent career decisions.

Thank you, too, for a wonderful, caring mentor who listens without judging and is willing to help me reach my goals/keep my self-esteem intact.

Dear Earth--Please make it turn spring-like soon. I'm still hoping that an early Lent means an early spring this year. No more accumulating snow or ice, please.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Dear Guardian Angel--Thank you for whispering in my boss's ear and in her heart, convincing her to support my decision to return to my home office. Please let upper mgt in my home office be as kind and supportive, giving me an interesting, challenging assignment & not being vindictive about my recent career decisions.

Thank you, too, for a wonderful, caring mentor who listens without judging and is willing to help me reach my goals/keep my self-esteem intact.

Velo- I'm glad you stood up for yourself, made things happen, and steered your work situation in a healthier direction. That is sometimes so hard to do.
I hope it really works out well for you. And it sounds like you have a couple of positive and supportive people on your team, that certainly helps.

[sundial]

Indy and Lisa, you both are very courageous and I am sending you a big cyber hug.

[sundial]

Dear Greedy American Overseas Manufacturers,

Made in China doesn't cut it.

Just because you can save $ by manufacturing overseas doesn't mean the quality it there.

Why not manufacture stuff in Japan? Their stuff works. It isn't tainted. It's nearly perfected. And they have a lot more creativity.

Remember that Japan is our ally? Remember the time Prime Minister Koizumi sang karaoke at the Elivis Presely mansion? You know, Elvis--the Undisputed King Of Rock N Roll. When was the last time you shared quality time with Pres. Jintao of China?

I am considering making out my Last Will and Testament due to the probability of exposure to toxins hidden deep within my lead laden art supplies manufactured in--you guessed it--China. I will probably die a slow, long, torturous death. In the event you do not hear from me in a week or so, please contact the American Embassy in China and report my disappearance.

Sincerely,

Fan of Japan

[indysteel]

Indy and Lisa, you both are very courageous and I am sending you a big cyber hug.

Thanks Sundial! That's so sweet of you.