Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Crankin]

Sorry, Tuckerville for assigning the pregnancy label on you! Xeney, I agree, having your husband sit and mope with you won't help you. I had to be at home, resting for the last 6 weeks of one of my pregnancies. Let's just say that I was not a nice person. It was like one day I was at aerobics and lifting weights and working, the next day, locked in my house. So I can sympathize. This was before vcrs, so i spent my days reading and watching old movies on public TV. My friends had a rotating schedule of visiting me and then my mom came and stayed with me for a month, because I couldn't really run after my other son who was 2. I threw a plate at my husband because I was so pissed!!! Then, when I realized my 2 year old started crying because he had witnessed violence perpetuated by me, I snapped out of it and just counted the days until delivery.

[pooks]

Wait.

I'm not supposed to throw plates at him?

Who made this rule?

[Crankin]

Very funny. I have not told that story to hardly anyone. I don't think most people who know me would believe it. Hormones can make you do anything!

[mimitabby]

Robyn, you said it. Including getting pregnant!

[margo49]

Yeah there is no bottom to what you would do hormonally.
OTOH, I guess there is no top either
(think: mothers lifting cars off run-over kids)

Long live hormones!

[Mr. Bloom]

I'm still confused by his reaction, because it's out of character for him.

Hurley, I applaud your flexibility and understanding. I'd suggest that perhaps he never made the connection that it was a two person ride and person #2 was a guy...Personally, I would have been caught off guard by that and probably would have reacted the same way...

[Melalvai]

This was such a popular thread I thought I'd fill you in on how it turned out.
I spent waaay too much time this summer riding with riding buddy and less & less time doing anything with family and as anyone could predict the relationship seemed to be heading in the direction my husband feared so I ended it.

Very sad to lose a good friend but it was clear to me at this point that was the happiest alternative.

Of course it would all be for naught if I didn't do something to shore up my home life. My husband is a lot more supportive of my bicycling and much more enthusiastic about joining me for rides. We're spending a lot of time together right now, like we're newlyweds or something.

I hate to say it, but Mr. Silver & others in his camp were right. :P

[redrhodie]

I love a happy ending

[Trekhawk]

Batbike, your entire post was well-written.

Everyone has a different opinion based on their perspective. I guess I am amazed at the number of marriages that might teeter if a spouse is put in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, therefore the opinion is that one's spouse should never be put in such a situation.

It is like a step back in time, taking away all of the advances women have made over the past 100 years. Seriously, is a female detective not supposed to work with a male dectective? Is a female executive not supposed to hire a male assistant because they will be alone together, day-after-day? Is a female Navy officer not supposed to go in a submarine because she is the only female? Is a female astronaut not supposed to go up in the space shuttle because she will be isolated with only male companions?

I've only thought of a few examples of every day life where men and women work together, closely and intimately, because it is their profession and their job. For this situation, it is like Batbike said, "It is bike riding." It would be ridiculous for a spouse to declare that the married partner should give up a profession because of working with the opposite sex, and the same is true of cycling.

What is next? The female racers should give up their training coaches because they are male?

Darcy

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.

[teigyr]

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.

And Trekhawk, I agree with you.

I think affairs happen not because of close proximity but due to problems in someones life or problems in the relationship. It is a sign that something is wrong. There are also people, of course, who just do that sort of thing with thought whatsoever but I'd like to think that's the minority.

I can see both sides. I also believe that affairs aren't just physical so if you were spending more time with your riding buddy (and this translates maybe into emotional intimacy) and not sharing things with your husband, that is a problem.

I met my husband through a male friend (who liked/s me) who still proclaims his affection but realizes I am married. I never even went out with this guy though we did do things as friends. I was never even tempted and I wasn't seeing anyone at the time! My husbands female friends came to our wedding as did my male friends. I was a bartender (ages ago) and when my customers would lament and say things like "I wish my wife were as cool as you" I'd remind them that she probably is, he is just seeing me as an escape and he had better figure out what's going on.

Ok, rant over. I'm glad that the two of you came to terms and that your husband realizes how important cycling is. I think that was a problem in the beginning. So maybe this could have been averted if he had supported you a bit more maybe. And for all my male friends/riding partners/coaches/whatever's wives, there is no need to worry

[Mr. Bloom]

Even the best relationships are not immune to this issue.

In a perfect world, with perfect people, this would not be a problem.

BUT, the world is NOT perfect and people are fallible too.

To take a "get over it" perspective with a spouse is naive and disrepectful.

In a relationship - whether married or not - when one suffers, both suffer. When that suffering (or pain, or confusion, or whatever) comes from one inside the relationship, then everyone is hurt.

When one spouse has an issue with third party relationships, it's my belief that it's not out of distrust of their spouse nearly as much as it is distrust of the third party.

No one wakes up one day saying "I'm going to compromise my relationship today". The compromises occur in little baby steps until suddenly "the leap" is not too far at all. I've seen it time and time again in my friends, and it pains me everytime.

I'm glad that there is a happy ending and that you shared your story with us.

[salsabike]

And Trekhawk, I agree with you.

I think affairs happen not because of close proximity but due to problems in someones life or problems in the relationship. It is a sign that something is wrong. There are also people, of course, who just do that sort of thing with thought whatsoever but I'd like to think that's the minority.

I can see both sides. I also believe that affairs aren't just physical so if you were spending more time with your riding buddy (and this translates maybe into emotional intimacy) and not sharing things with your husband, that is a problem.

I met my husband through a male friend (who liked/s me) who still proclaims his affection but realizes I am married. I never even went out with this guy though we did do things as friends. I was never even tempted and I wasn't seeing anyone at the time! My husbands female friends came to our wedding as did my male friends. I was a bartender (ages ago) and when my customers would lament and say things like "I wish my wife were as cool as you" I'd remind them that she probably is, he is just seeing me as an escape and he had better figure out what's going on.

Ok, rant over. I'm glad that the two of you came to terms and that your husband realizes how important cycling is. I think that was a problem in the beginning. So maybe this could have been averted if he had supported you a bit more maybe. And for all my male friends/riding partners/coaches/whatever's wives, there is no need to worry

Adding one more "I agree" to Trekhawk and Teigyr.

[luv'nAustin]

Enjoyed reading this thread. Mr. Silver, I especially enjoyed reading your take on the situation. You have wonderful insight. Thanks for sharing.

[Starfish]

Enjoyed reading this thread. Mr. Silver, I especially enjoyed reading your take on the situation. You have wonderful insight. Thanks for sharing.

I also appreciated Mr.'s last post on this thread...really true, IMO.

Melalvai, thank you for the update, and so happy for you that things are working out.

[margo49]

Thanks for the update.
I'm sorry it turned out like this.
The older I get the more I think that one should be able to be "just friends" but the more I see that it doesn't happen very often at all.