Question about condolences etiquette

[Mr. Bloom]

I agree that sending to the funeral is best. If you send something to the home, I encourage it to be a living plant, not cut flowers.

I would avoid anything presented in the work environment because he may still be a little shaky emotionally...and men don't like to cry at work - regardless of how justified it may be.

[Bikingmomof3]

If you end up sending flowers, send them to the funeral home.

[SouthernBelle]

Ditto on the funeral home. If the family has a preference for something different, it will be stated in the obit.

[gilly]

Hi Girls,
Allowing for the fact I'm from the UK and so things may be different between us
Here, we would send flowers to the co-worker - we'd be sending our condolences to him for the loss of his Mother, we don't know the rest of his family. Wouldn't even ask about the charity bit - all we're doing is saying 'Hey there friend, we're thinking of you as you go through this rough time'

Hope this doesn't add to your dilema

[SadieKate]

Gilly, do you never see obits there that state "in lieu of flowers, please send donations to XXXXXX"?

There are lots of reasons why the family or the person may not want flowers.

[gilly]

Gilly, do you never see obits there that state "in lieu of flowers, please send donations to XXXXXX"?

There are lots of reasons why the family or the person may not want flowers.

Absolutely, yes. But the obit isn't usually in the paper, say the day after a death (here anyway).
I wasn't viewing this as 'should you send flowers to a collegues parents funeral' I'm reading this; our colleague has just lost his parent, lets just let him know we're thinking of him. And here, no, a company wouldn't send flowers or donate to a charity for a person not actually employed by the company... if you see what I mean :-)
My Husband lost his Father in November, his colleagues from the same department sent him some flowers and a card - he much appreciated the thought. But it would have seemed 'odd' if his company/department had sent a donation to the chosen charity.
I did say we're maybe different over here

[SadieKate]

I think it's not just a difference in national cultures, but also in company cultures. I've known companies to send a donation because that is what the family (and therefore the co-worker) asked but would always send a card to the co-worker. It is not uncommon for the family to be traveling very soon and the flowers stay behind and die. I know that the majority of the flowers sent to my family immediately upon a member's death were taken to residents of the facility, so the flowers weren't around for the family anyway. Simply no room for them all, but plants are always good because they last and have less chance of causing an allergic reaction.

One way to find out without the obit is to simply ask the co-worker with the closest emotional ties to call and ask. It's certainly not rude. If all else fails, the boss can call (if they're a good boss).