Question about condolences etiquette

[SadieKate]

Gilly, do you never see obits there that state "in lieu of flowers, please send donations to XXXXXX"?

There are lots of reasons why the family or the person may not want flowers.

[gilly]

Gilly, do you never see obits there that state "in lieu of flowers, please send donations to XXXXXX"?

There are lots of reasons why the family or the person may not want flowers.

Absolutely, yes. But the obit isn't usually in the paper, say the day after a death (here anyway).
I wasn't viewing this as 'should you send flowers to a collegues parents funeral' I'm reading this; our colleague has just lost his parent, lets just let him know we're thinking of him. And here, no, a company wouldn't send flowers or donate to a charity for a person not actually employed by the company... if you see what I mean :-)
My Husband lost his Father in November, his colleagues from the same department sent him some flowers and a card - he much appreciated the thought. But it would have seemed 'odd' if his company/department had sent a donation to the chosen charity.
I did say we're maybe different over here

[SadieKate]

I think it's not just a difference in national cultures, but also in company cultures. I've known companies to send a donation because that is what the family (and therefore the co-worker) asked but would always send a card to the co-worker. It is not uncommon for the family to be traveling very soon and the flowers stay behind and die. I know that the majority of the flowers sent to my family immediately upon a member's death were taken to residents of the facility, so the flowers weren't around for the family anyway. Simply no room for them all, but plants are always good because they last and have less chance of causing an allergic reaction.

One way to find out without the obit is to simply ask the co-worker with the closest emotional ties to call and ask. It's certainly not rude. If all else fails, the boss can call (if they're a good boss).

[Grog]

If there is any mention of "in lieu of flower, please give to..." I would NOT send flowers, even as a thought to the co-worker. Many people dislike the idea of using all those flowers (environmental concerns) and would much more appreciate the donation as a thought. A friend's brother died recently and although none of us knew his brother many made donations to the charities they identified (mainly environmental funds). Our friend was tremendously grateful. Flowers would have shown a nice "thought" but would have been completely against their values.

This being said, a card sent to the co-worker's home, signed by everyone in his close work environment if possible, would look like a good idea to me (but not another card upon the person's return).

So basically: I think you can have the card circulating in the office and send it, and wait for the obit for further instructions, like whether or not to send flowers, which should go directly to the funeral home (IMO).

Good luck...

[SadieKate]

Well said, Grog.

[Deanna]

This may seem a little impersonal, but some companies have guidelines in their personnel manual for sending condolences. Check with your HR department for guidance. My company chose to send a donation to the hospice when my mother in law passed away, which was much more appreciated than flowers.

[LBTC]

Thank you all for your ideas and input!

I have now spoken to my co-worker - he called in to ask about who in town can increase the size of a photograph. I told him to let us know if there is anything we can help with in any way, and I asked him if they will be asking for donations to a charity instead of flowers. He's got a good sense of humour. He asked me if I could write the eulogy! But, yes, I could hear that he was getting choked up so kept the conversation short. He said that they will be choosing a charity and he'll let me know.

I will go out and find a nice card and have the group sign it. Actually, I think I should do that right now.

If you have any more suggestions, please do let me know.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~