Dear So and So

[Catrin]

... The truth is, when you're not loved by your own mother, it colors everything you feel about yourself and your worth. That was the love I needed to fill on my own.

Yes, and yes again.

I haven't been despairing, I've been single a very long time and I've been happy for a good portion of that time - partially because I walled off certain painful things. I did quite intensive therapy, but for a long time it was easier to remain single. I think I've been taking a self-assessment and seeing certain things for what they are - consequences of certain choices (or lack of choice) made long ago. However....that was long ago.

We do not have to stick with choices made long ago, what may have seemed appropriate at 15, 25, or 35 doesn't have to stick at 51. My bike has reawakened me to the love of life and the world around me. I've come a long ways in the last couple of years, but you are right, when your own mother doesn't love you and there was no father around, you do have to find some way to fill that hole. I think that I've been working on that without realizing it consciously. How can we open ourselves to others if we haven't found a way to fill that hole first?

BTW, it might come as a surprise, or not, but I over-think stuff