Dear So and So

[indysteel]

Indy, that's a really beautiful, hopeful, inspiring post.

Thanks, Red! I was reading Yoga Journal Magazine one day when something jumped off the page at me: "the only person who can provide an unwavering sense of love is you."

Now, I read that after having already done a lot of work on myself in therapy. I'd also gotten really into yoga and cycling and had made some wonderful friends in the process, I truly felt like I'd primed myself for that moment. What would it feel like to love myself enough? What would that look like? How would it feel? I distinctly remember sitting with that thought for days and weeks, until I realized that I was practicing it. Like I said, it took a lot of work. A lot. But the longstanding despair I'd felt lifted. What relief.

I love my husband and being married, but if I'm being honest, I've never felt as exhilarated as I did when I first took the leap of being happy but alone. Because, really, the despair I felt wasn't really about romantic love. The truth is, when you're not loved by your own mother, it colors everything you feel about yourself and your worth. That was the love I needed to fill on my own.