I miss her

[SheFly]

Well true, busyiness are great distractions. But the right activity if done in judicious measure and if you love doing it, shouldn't stop you. Cycling should not be dismissed, but keeps you afloat health-wise. I know it does for me. Today I rode a slow 6 kms. to the grocery store so that I could avoid the ice.

Oh - trust me - riding my bike has been my savior more than once. The week after my brother's funeral, I rode more miles than I had all year, and even doubled up long rides and hard efforts. My point on the busy-ness was more that it was my way of avoiding having to deal with the emotions - it all just caught up with me this year, and has been quite difficult.

She is the little girl, smaller than me in this black 'n white photo. Cuter than fat-headed me. She is looking directly at the photographer with a wistful expression on her child-face:

I don't know about cuter . I have included two pictures of my brother and I - the first is from 1974, and the second from 1995.

I seem to only sleep fully, half the nights so far in past 2 months. Since I am the eldest, whatever clothing I wore, she would be next in line to get the hand-me down. That is I guess, the closeness due to birth order, etc.

I lead a very simple life these days. Many trivialities fall by the wayside when something like this happens. I don't have a tv, I don't twitter/facebook..I don't have /want these distractions. I like to make each day count, each word I write, worthwhile.
I won't be blogging on stories related to my sister nor some sort memorial post. It's hard to contain the lifelong knowledge of a person into 1 pithy post/story. Instead maybe weave more personal /family details in general in some of the writings. I've already begun this in some of my recent posts across the 2 blogs.

The sleep will come, eventually. I don't envy you being alone in a city that is not home. I know that even surrounded by friends, I have felt completely alone many times in the past 1.5 years. My best advice is to get yourself to a support group if you can find one in the area - talking to others who understand the pain of suicide will certainly help.

As for me, my writing has suffered. I have only written that one blog post about my brother since his death, and there will be no others. In fact, my blog has been stagnant most of the year - I simply haven't felt like writing anything, which for me, is not a good sign. You are right that taking the life of someone and attempting to put it into one blog post is impossible.

That's great you did the walk, SheFly. I haven't thought that far. My sister's ashes were buried just last weekend.

Thanks. But know that the walk was over a year AFTER I lost my brother. In time, you will be ready to deal with this in your own way.

I'm sorry that we have this in common, Shootingstar. But, I am here for you as you go through the healing process.

SheFly