Saying nothing, not doing much is abit difficult

[shootingstar]

She knows I enjoy my gourmet desserts, malkin. She does tell me, she doesn't eat much desserts. I'm not surprised..she and I share similar childhood background Chinese diets in Canada with immigrant parents...means growing up with less desserts. Chinese cuisine has very limited traditional desserts. Nowadays they imitate the fluffy creamy European little cake slices, etc. She's also like me, gets drunk fast after a glass of wine. Yes, we do joke about the Asian tendencies...again you have to be Asian to make such inside jokes.

It's a close friendship malkin. She knows the loss of my sister, my dying father. It is a real friendship with giving. This is why I'm perturbed why people here are judging me so hard.

Against the backdrop of all this, is the stress of her job...which is a supportive, paid job on cycling infrastructure and alternative multi-modal transportation for our city. Our city is incredibly conservative and still very car-oriented but we are Canada's fastest growing city. As you know, I am cycling advocate, and have ostensibly volunteered in this capacity in other cities. I know how difficult it can be (and I hear it from my partner's efforts). I am probably the friend that understands her job the best....because I am long-time cyclist for transportation, advocate and we both work for the same employer.

Please don't tear me down.

So whatever people in the cycling community: always, always thank your paid city staff who work on cycling infrastructure, transit, etc. I know some cyclists don't like separated bikes, MUPs, etc..... thank these people anyway. It's hard job, sometimes greatly misunderstood.

[OakLeaf]

I'm perturbed why people here are judging me so hard ...

Please don't tear me down.

Did you even read what Pam or Blueberry said? We're perturbed that you are judging her so hard. When you choose this forum to tear your friend down, it hurts people. Even if your friend doesn't read what you write here, it hurts the people who do.

[shootingstar]

I give up Oak because this thread has spun out of control. I don't say anything to her anyway about eating better. Maybe it was a mistake to even discuss here. Right? But I'm sure other people have been in the same situation as a friend.

I share lots of stuff with her that's not food oriented/health stuff...which I gave in my latest responses. But I guess everyone here now thinks I'm an orge or whatever.

Alot of us are probably guilty (if that's the right word), of "judging" friends for lifestyle, etc. I'm just um...dumb enough to reveal it.

So: What would you do if a friend was talking about a detox diet?

[Crankin]

Salsa, I do enjoy meeting people with different interests, but, when it comes down to who i am actually spending my time with, it's the people I ride with or do other outdoor stuff with. Since this is the thing that it is the center of my life, whatever else happens has to happen outside this parameter. I hope I am explaining this so it makes sense. And quite frankly, there's tons of research that shows we are usually friends with with people that we share similarities with, in some way. On the one hand, I *know* a huge amount of people, many of whom are quite different than me. I am friendly, cordial, interested, but it's not going to go beyond that. I'd be lying if I said I wanted to spend my time with someone who was going to McDonalds and shopping in the mall every weekend. And Blueberry, not everyone who I ride with is skinny. There's a variety in body types, just as in any group. It's the lifestyle that's the same. My friends who no longer have much in common with me anymore have a totally different lifestyle, and one of them (the one who is not really overweight, just acts like an old lady) is constantly saying, "Well, I can't be like you." The thing is, I never say she should be, and I never, ever brag about what I do. It seems like, to her, just the fact that I ride, x country ski is enough to make her feel badly, without me saying anything. I know that it is her problem, but... it's getting pretty hard to find a common ground, when she would rather talk about her other friends's operations, health issues, and "retirement."
Sometimes I feel like I am getting younger, and everyone else around me is getting older. It's not that the people in my riding groups haven't had health issues; it's the fact they deal with them and keep going, with being active being the main priority. It's the main reason why I am no longer active at my synagogue. All I see are bent over, unhealthy looking people among those who are my age.

[Irulan]

I always go back to the Serenity Prayer... so applicable in all facets of life.

Accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference. <<<<< figure this part out and then let it go. How much emotional energy to do you spend on the things out of your control? It sure seems like a lot from what I read here.

[salsabike]

Lovely, Muirenn. Thanks.

[shootingstar]

How much emotional energy to do you spend on the things out of your control? It sure seems like a lot from what I read here.

Yea, you're right, lruan. On this thread, it's not worth my time any more.

[lph]

Not to flog a dead horse, but there is a general point I'd like to make. The one thing that would have changed the whole situation was if the woman in question had expressed a desire herself to lose weight or eat more healthily. But assuming that someone wants to be more like you in some way when they haven't actually said so does easily come over as patronizing.

On the other hand, I think many of us are guilty of this. We're only human, and the more convinced we are that a certain behavior or a certain habit is not just a good thing, but practically life-changing, the more likely we are to prescribe it whether someone asks or not. And the more likely we are of being thought of as annoying zealots. Biking, healthy eating, crossfit, religion, political views - we all have these people in our Facebook feeds. We just don't notice them as much when they're talking about things we agree on.

[Crankin]

You know, I was being pretty honest in my replies; maybe they were a bit off topic, but my general feeling is that if any human being thinks s/he is not judgmental, s/he is fooling herself. The main thing for me is to acknowledge it, and move on. I never become zealous about cycling (or anything else), unless I am talking to others who share my passion, like everyone here! I've been told point blank to my face that my level of activity makes people feel bad about themselves, by former colleagues. It was said in a joking way, but I know they meant it. Again, it's not like I was pushing my lifestyle, more like it was discussed when asked what i did over the weekend. And believe me, there were many moments when I *wanted* to say something about others constant patter about their children or other things that really got on my nerves. Instead, I smiled and tried to be a good listener. I am sure others here have experienced this. I don't prescribe anything to my friends, unless they ask. Again, it's just that I feel like as I age, it's harder and harder to find people with like minds.

[emily_in_nc]

YI've been told point blank to my face that my level of activity makes people feel bad about themselves, by former colleagues.
...
Again, it's just that I feel like as I age, it's harder and harder to find people with like minds.

Yes and Yes! I couldn't agree more...

[Crankin]

Emily, I've always said we were separated at birth.

[ny biker]

I read the original post as concern for a friend's health. Because being 50 lbs overweight does lead to all sorts of health problems. I also didn't see condescension in it, at least no more than anyone else has about other peoples' dietary habits, which can rank with religion and politics in terms of divisive subjects.

I don't get involved with friends' diets unless they specifically mention that they're trying to make a change, and even then I usually just try to be supportive in a general way, regardless of what I really think about it. If a friend or relative started talking about something specific like a detox diet I might ask what they hoped to gain from it, and then might indicate if I thought a different approach would be better. If it was someone I didn't know that well, I'd stick with a vague supportive comment.

[emily_in_nc]

Emily, I've always said we were separated at birth.

Good chance of it!

[malkin]

I don't even think the thread got out of control.
I've seen piano tuners argue more viciously than this!

[salsabike]

Yep, I agree, Malkin. Nothing out of control on this thread--just people stating their views honestly.

Piano tuners?? I don't want to get off topic, but would love to hear THAT story someday.