How do you get your DH/SO interested in riding with you?

[sarahspins]

Just wondering.. I feel like all of my efforts are just met with failures. currently there are some significant logistics issues that make it difficult to get the whole family out for a bike ride, and since my husband doesn't think it's really safe to be riding on the roads where we are with the kids (I don't share his fear however, but I've actually been out riding ON the roads more than he has, and I really don't think it's dangerous where we are) our only option it seems is to go somewhere else where cars aren't an issue.

So, for him to go on a bike ride, we have to load up 2 cars (neither car has a bike rack yet, so bikes go in one car, while kids + trailer go in another) and drive 5 miles to a local park. It has a nice paved 2* mile trail.. it's a nice ride.

* I should point out that DH took his bike to the park a few years ago not long after he bought it and rode this trail by himself.. and told me it was 8 miles each way. Maybe it just felt like that to him? I found it odd, since the trail is marked... you don't have to guess how long it is.

So, after weeks of suggesting we should all go ride together (our 8yo is staying with DH's parents, so he wasn't included), yesterday I finally convinced him to go, and we did, and I felt like he did NOTHING but complain. First it was some losers who for reasons we don't understand decided to be jerks towards us in the parking area, swerving at us (moments after we parked) and nearly clipping my car, and honking at us repeatedly as they drove by (several times). I still don't know what was up with that - were weren't in the way, our kids were still IN the car, so not running around or anything. They hadn't been behind us or anything when we drove in, we didn't cut them off or do anything else.. they drove up after we parked.

So, that set DH up to be in somewhat of a bad mood. I understand, I was a little irritated by it too, but he just didn't seem to want to let it go. I offered to just go home if it was going to be that way, but he said no, he'd be fine. So we get our bikes out, set up, get the trailer hooked up and loaded, and set off on our way... almost right away he's complaining that I'm going "too fast" - which baffles me. We were only going about 7-8mph. I know he's pulling the trailer, but I've pulled it too, and it's really not as much like dragging dead weight as he made it out to be.

So for a while I sort of kept pace with him.. I slowed waaaaaay down. I think we may have been averaging a whopping 6mph. We got passed by a jogger (yes, a jogger!). I decided, at that point, that the ride wasn't doing me any good since I felt like I was just out in the sun getting hot - I wasn't even going fast enough to cool myself off from the breeze. So I rode to the end of the trail, and rode back to meet him, I said it was fine to turn around and ride back to the car if he wanted, and he didn't, he wanted to get to the end too, and then head back (why? he was clearly unhappy by this point.. maybe at me, maybe in general).

So we rode back to the end together, and when we hit the end, our 4yo decided she *really* had to go potty. There was a bathroom about 1/2 mile back on the trail, so we rode back there and stopped, I noticed DH had finished all of his drink already (mine was still nearly full), and I offered to swap it since I also had a 2nd bottle left and he snapped at me and said no, he was fine, he could get just water along the way if he changed his mind (okay, whatever). DD did her business and I got her back in the trailer.. DH then starts complaining about how hot it is and how it's "so much harder to keep going once you stop". Now, I'm not in the best shape myself, but all I could think to myself is "what, are you kidding, we've only been out about 15 MINUTES" and we had only been stopped for about 2.. I felt fine, and *I* am normally the first one to complain about being hot or tired. I offered to let him ride my bike and I could pull the trailer with his, and that resulted in a resounding NO WAY. I don't know if I really hurt his ego or what, but I was only trying to help out - if he's struggling, why not just let me pull the kids? His bad mood was just getting worse and I didn't really want to be around him at all by that point.

So I didn't really want to hear him continue to complain about how hot or tired he was, or how hard it was to pull the kids, and I just left for our cars.. I couldn't even see him on the trail when I got to the end, so I rode to the other end of the park and back, and when I got back to the cars I could finally see him coming, so I stopped.

When he got back to the cars, I was there waiting, and another cyclist passed him, and DH made some comment along the lines of "there's your boyfriend, why don't you go ride with him since he's going faster". That hurt my feelings a lot. The whole point of going to the park was so WE could go do something TOGETHER. He's the one complaining that we never go do anything... and then pretty much complains the whole time whenever we try (no matter what it is). He also made a comment that if he wasn't pulling the kids he probably could have gone faster too - and I tried to just let that go, since I knew he was just in a bad mood and things hadn't exactly gone well, and it was hot. I really thought by the time we got home, that he'd be over it too.

When we got home, I checked into getting an extra mount for the trailer for my bike so that either one of us could pull the trailer if we wanted, and DH pretty much reacted like I was stupid to even think about spending money on a second mount, when I could just take the one off his bike. Then of course he had to go into this whole thing about why I didn't even need one for my bike anyways if he could just pull the kids - I had to remind him that what if *I* wanted to take the kids to the park and ride on my own once I have a bike rack for my car?

Did I just seriously hurt his pride, or what? I'm not suggesting that he can't pull the kids, but if he was clearly unhappy about it and struggling, why would it not be okay to share that job? What is so bad about me wanting to go ride with the kids at the park on my own?

I know DH's bike is a piece of junk (it's better than some.. but it's still a department store schwinn), and that's certainly not helping him, but I've ridden it (probably more than he has!) and it's not exactly as slow and difficult as he made it out to be. I know I've been riding for a couple of months now on a better bike and I'm probably quite a bit faster and more comfortable on my bike than he is on his, but I didn't expect a relatively flat 4 miles to have been a huge struggle for him. I was willing to go slow, but it seemed like my "slow" was still about twice as fast as he wanted to go.

At this point I almost fear asking him to go out and try it again... to be 100% honest I don't think I even want to. I'd be happy to go if he asked, but I don't think he would.

So, aside from not leaving him behind, what can I do to make things go better if I CAN convince him to get out and try again?

I'm just so frustrated. He wasn't thrilled when I bought my trek, saying I spent too much money on it (money that I had saved up on my own, it's not like HE paid for it, and I bought a very entry-level bike because I was conscious of his opinion on how much I was spending)... and made it clear that he didn't see what was so wrong about just buying a bike "like his". So clearly I get that he's not "into" this at all, and probably won't be no matter what, but I'd still like to TRY to make cycling a fun activity for the whole family... because it should be fun, right?

3 years ago it was HIS idea to buy his bike and the trailer for the kids (at that point we only had 2).. I didn't even have a working bike at the time. But his bike and the trailer got used all of once or twice outside of yard.. and have pretty much sat since then. So I just don't get it?

[Cataboo]

It does sound like you've somehow wounded his male ego, and I don't really know what to tell you to do about it. I'm sure it's much easier to get your bike to go than it is to get his bike to go, which may not be something that he really realizes... Maybe you could switch out the tires on his bike for trail or road riding if they're not smooth.

[tulip]

Sounds like there's alot more going on than just a bike ride. Time for a sit-down, perhaps?

[sarahspins]

Yeah, the "go" thing is possible too.. I think he's also trying to push too high of a gear.... but he doesn't seem to like any advice from me on that, so I don't know what to do to help him.

[Cataboo]

Yeah, the "go" thing is possible too.. I think he's also trying to push too high of a gear.... but he doesn't seem to like any advice from me on that, so I don't know what to do to help him.

How much are you biking by yourself? any chance he's starting to resent how much time biking is taking up in your life? He may feel jealous or threatened?

Pushing too high of a gear would definitely make it a lot harder to get going while pulling a trailer - but some of that is just things he'd learn with experience if he biked more...

[Tri Girl]

I agree with Tulip. I think you need to sit down and talk about where his anger is coming from. I understand that the ride started off on an unpleasant note, but it seems like his anger was about more than the jerky people in the parking lot (especially the "there's your boyfriend" comment- that's his ego talking).
Maybe it's jealousy that you're doing something athletic and he can't keep up, maybe he's worried you'll love to ride so much you'll get a new set of friends and he'll feel left out.
Definitely talk to him about it.

When I started riding, I rode a lot. My DH eventually got tired of me doing things without him and he bought a bike, too, so we could do it together. Now he's so fast I can't keep up with him, and even though we rarely ever ride "together," we start out at the same time and he comes back to check on me. It's something we both love and he doesn't feel left out anymore.

[sarahspins]

Maybe it's jealousy that you're doing something athletic and he can't keep up, maybe he's worried you'll love to ride so much you'll get a new set of friends and he'll feel left out.

I do think a lot of this probably does come from insecurity. It's hard to get him to talk about it without it becoming a huge blown up fight. It is SO frustrating. I wanted to ride so I can feel better and be healthier.. I was quite frankly sick of being a lazy slob and doing nothing about it (my options are limited, with my knees - and cycling is one of very few things that doesn't kill me) and feeling like my kids were constantly wearing me out and I couldn't keep up with them at the park. I've noticed an immediate improvement in that area since I started riding, and it hasn't been very long... I can imagine that only gets better. I am by no means a speed demon though.. I have zero aspirations for racing or really getting faster, I just want to enjoy it and get/stay fit. I do want to be able to ride further, because that will expand where I'm able to go on my bike, but that's really my only goal, and I know it will come with time.

I do bike mostly by myself, sometimes with our 8yo... after DH gets home in the evenings, but I have by NO means excluded him - he just refuses to ride on the road with the kids, and doesn't think I should either. I don't think he likes riding on the road in general though - a few years ago he saw a cyclist that got hit, and didn't make it, and that image has stuck with him (even though the circumstances for that one were obviously unsafe - cyclist was out in the early morning, when it was still dark, no reflective clothing or lights, and not wearing a helmet, etc). I won't be able to keep riding in the evenings forever though, right now it's very dependent on the fact that it's still light out fairly late in the evenings.. I know that changes in the fall. I will be biking more with the kids when that happens (either at the park, or *gasp* actually on the road), and probably during the day while he's at work. Maybe that will make things better.. maybe it will make things worse, I don't know.

I found a bike club that rides "locally" for me (literally, many routes pass right by my house) and when I mentioned maybe joining some of those rides, he reacted VERY negatively to that. It's frustrating, and I don't understand it... I'd honestly love if he wanted to do something like that with me, but instead I'm left feeling like it's not even okay if I go on my own. The timing of most of the rides doesn't work well with me (early morning - I'm not a morning person, and the evening rides all start before he's usually home from work) so that's stopping me from going more than he is, but I still shouldn't feel like it's not okay.

I don't know.. I want to get a bike rack for my car and a better trailer to haul the kids in, which are things I plan on doing on my own regardless of what he does... maybe if I start taking the kids to the park to bike regularly and getting everything unloaded and set up becomes less of a chore it might make it easier to get everyone out.

[Kuota Rider]

I love to comment on this topic, but I have the opposite problem at my house. My husband is the riding nut and I am the hill slug. But interestingly enough, if I push myself out of bed, once on the road, I am happy I went.

Then while I'm further out on the road, I am wishing the ride was over. Then once I am home, I want to go again.

I think I have issues...

[Tri Girl]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite (him hating his job but not wanting to look for something else has a lot to do with it).

Anyway, I don't know what to say to help you out. I know you have to tread lightly and not make him upset. Maybe you could sit him down and tell him it's about YOU not him. YOU want to ride your bike more because of the great feeling you get. YOU want to go on longer rides and take the kids to get them out and about and keep them in good health. YOU would love to have his company because you love him and want to enjoy time together.
If you use lots of ME/I statements maybe he won't get defensive????

Let us know what happens.

[sarahspins]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite

That sounds so familiar

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

[tulip]

What a drag. You deserve better. If he won't talk reasonably about this--which is really relatively minor in itself but is HUGE if he doesn't support you doing anything for yourself--I'm afraid you have bigger problems on your hands.

Best of luck in figuring this out and/or taking action as a couple to better communication within the family. Don't be shy about asking for help if you need to.

[KathiCville]

+1 on the feeling that there's more going on here for him than the biking per se. He sounds unhappy, maybe even a little depressed? Whatever anger he's showing toward you, I bet he's aiming 5x or 10x that much at himself, inside, out o'sight. (Guys! Gotta love 'em....)

The fact that he finds something to complain about no matter what activity you choose is significant. And the crack about 'your boyfriend' is something that someone who is unhappy with himself would mutter....A problem on the job? Worrying about money? Feeling out of shape, unattractive? Frustrated with where he "is" in life compared to friends, colleagues?

If you want to continue trying to do the family ride thing, I'd say it's worth investing in a set-up that lets y'all gather and go quickly, without making a major production of it. Whatever it takes (within $ reason) to make it a snap to load the trailer and the bikes will pay for itself in lowering the hassle factor. You might be able to find what you need on craigslist? Or check with the local bike club to see if anyone has a bike rack they're not using this season?

Is there a road cycling safety class or family cycling safety class available locally? Maybe if you took it together it would help raise his comfort level with the riding-on-the-road issue. Seeing someone on a bicycle get hit was certainly not easy to witness! The memory of it is probably affecting him in ways that he's barely aware of.

As for your own riding, try not to let his current attitude put too much of a damper on your desire and determination to get out there yourself. As long as your biking doesn't put any unagreed-to childcare burden on him, he *should* be glad that you're taking care of yourself. Easier said than done, of course! You know how misery loves company! If he's unhappy with himself at the moment---whatever the root cause---it probably irks him on some level to see you enjoying yourself. And then, because he loves you, it probably irks him that he's irked!!

Finally, if he tends to complain about any and all activities that you try to set up, try inviting HIM to choose and organize an activity. Put it nicely, of course, without any reference to his neg attitude about previous outings. Just a "Hon, why don't you give some thought to what you'd like to do as a family this weekend?" Have on hand whatever local pubs would give him some ideas about what's coming up. If he follows up, great. But when and if he balks, then that might be the perfect lead-in to the "Say, what's been bugging you lately, sweetie?" conversation that others have suggested.......?

P.S. My BF tends to be a glass-half-empty type and it's definitely an "issue" for us!

[Kuota Rider]

I just finished fully reading your post, Sarah. I just skimmed it the first time and didn't realize the depth of the problem. I'm sorry for sounding like I was making light of it.

To me, it sounds to me like your DH is generally unhappy about life. He doesn't want to make decisions and he doesn't want you making decisions.
It also doesn't sound like the lines of communication between you two are very open either, (common with most men).
My DH is stressed about work right now and it has been a little difficult to get close, if you know what I mean. But we try to keep the communication lines open and let each other know how we're feeling and why. It doesn't always work out perfectly, but eventually we get there.

I think you need to try to find out what is at the root of his anger and depression. It sounds as though it goes fairly deep. When nothing is right in your life, that is usually just the surface of something going on much deeper inside. You are just seeing a smaller manifestation of a much bigger problem.

I don't know the entire situation, but I would suggest, if possible, take a weekend vacation together. Just the two of you. Somewhere where you can get away from everything and get the chance to talk.

I hope you find a solution for this soon. I know from personal experience that you are in a very difficult place right now.
Please let us know how things are going.
Private messages on the topic would be ok with me too.

[shootingstar]

That sounds so familiar

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you may need to back off trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself. He needs space for himself to figure out what he wants. It does not need to escalate into something huge if your approach is casual and low-key --I just need my exercise and when you'll be back at a time you originally indicated.

Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them, either right now or ever.

Try to see it the reverse situation...of enthusiastic men who are unable to get their wives on the bike. Everyone is free to find their own passion. Hope for this-- that he has a personal passion that he gets excited about, wants to explore/grow/become better, makes him feel better, is healthy even if outside of you and children.

I have a partner who loves cycling. We don't have a car and cycling is certainly part of our lifestyle since we've known each other many years ago. However if something should change later where one of us is unable/doesn't want to cycle, we then simply want the other person to look after their individual physical and mental health --take positive action long term, no matter what that person does, even if it's not cycling. So many positive options for him.

[TrekTheKaty]

Two general thoughts:

Men like it better when it's their idea (sorry boys, but several gf's concur).

You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, ie. you can't convince someone to lose weight/quit drinking/quit smoking/exercise until they are ready to do it for themselves. My sis keeps trying to push my cuz into exercise. I keep telling her to back off--let her know how much fun we have and we're here if she needs info or support. Otherwise, leave her alone. (We've changed our concept at family-get-togethers. Instead of begging others to join us, then canceling because we felt guilty--Now we go. You're welcome to join us, otherwise we'll be back in a couple hours. It's surprising how well this concept works.)

(Oh, and I think garage sale's are based on the concept that many fitness ideas don't stick!)

Don't let him ruin your fun