how do you forgive yourself for being a jerk to your SO...

[chicago]

or insensitive at times so much that he leaves you... which he did on Friday... he walked out and said he's been hurting too much.

I didn't know he was hurting. We had been having a blast doing so much together. He just painted my kitchen and gave me the sweetest Sweetest Day present which I loved. I loved him, but I was critical at times... not really critical, but just sometimes. He would guess at directions, and it would bother me... and I would ask him not to guess... and he said that I was too critical to him We have been together almost a year. In June...we got into a fight and he left then too... and we got back together a few weeks after that but I've always been cautious cause I learned that he does not share his feelings with me... and when has hurt enough, he walks away.

I was insensitive to him at times because I'm intense at times and I would correct his grammar at times and I was crabby because I have been working two jobs.

I knew I have been crabby and I told him on Friday afternoon that I was going to quit my 2nd job because it was too much and I was crabby. He came over that night and ended it... again.

but how do I forgive myself that it was all my fault?... that if I hadn't criticized him he would still be here I hate myself... he was the kindnest man in the world, and I didn't appreciate him because I was afraid of getting too close and him hurting me... it's so fvked up and I'm so sad

[alpinerabbit]

You'll always remember this if you have an elephant's memory, and unless you find another relationship to make you happy, and you think you lost something, there will always be memories that hurt. You can pray if you believe in something or other, you can write affirmations or your diary if you don't.

Do you think there's a third chance?
Go read the "relationships and marriage" thread for hints on working relationships.
Do you respect him as a person, or did you let your respect slip at times? This is the most important thing IMHO.

You will have to ask sincerely for forgiveness, and if you get it, you will have to ask yourself what you want from a relationship. If you cannot give yourself into it and all your honesty and respect, I don't think you'll get this back.

[bmccasland]

One word - counseling.

If you look back to other relationships, or the way your parents treat each other, you'll probably see a pattern. The only way to break the cycle is with help, and a professional counselor is probably the best route. One of the first questions the marriage counselor asked me and my XH was "are your parents divorced?" Indicating that we didn't necessarily learn healthy relationship skills.

I learned a lot in my sessions, and even though we still got divorced, I know the sessions helped me in my overall people skills.

Secondly, don't beat yourself up. It takes two to mess up a relationship. One person isn't 100% wrong, and the other 100% right. You do have to learn that the other person is entitled to their feelings. And you need to learn to fight fair - "I feel that, when you say XYZ, it puts me down." Which is different than "stop treating me like a child."

If he wants to come back then, both of you should go to a counselor, together. If not, then you really ought to go anyway. Most people see counselors for a few sessions, not the Woody Allen thing of a life time of seeing their therapist. Mine would give me homework assignments - things to read - and we'd discuss them either next week or in two weeks.

[Irulan]

but how do I forgive myself that it was all my fault?... that if I hadn't criticized him he would still be here I hate myself... he was the kindnest man in the world, and I didn't appreciate him because I was afraid of getting too close and him hurting me... it's so fvked up and I'm so sad

It may not be all your fault. He's got issues too, you know.
In a healthy relationship, we recognize our faults and our mate's faults and we live with them as best we can. People do make mistakes and one should be able to apologize, move forward, and learn how to not repeat destructive behaviors ( change yourself, not them). We also have to learn how to accept others and our own imperfections. God is the only perfect being.

If you are really concerned that somehow your behavior damaged the relationship, maybe it's time to work with a competent therapist. You might find out whether your expectations within a relationship are appropriate. what are your fears and why they might be getting in the way, etc. Chances are very good that if you don't address some of this stuff, you will be doomed to repeat it.

just my two cents, take it or leave it.

[teigyr]

He might not be the right person for you OR you might not be at the right time in your life to have a relationship. Counseling would definitely help you figure out what you want and how to have a healthy relationship when you've found the right person.

It's difficult to guess from afar but a lot of "wounded innocent" recipients of snarkiness (for lack of a better word) have their own stuff going on. I've seen really nice people who use "nice" as a form of control. A lot of times your subconscious can see this stuff but you can't, especially if you are trying to rebuild after a bad relationship.

If you'd like to try to start again with your SO, you will both have to be really honest with each other. He needs to be able to call you on your crankiness and also needs to understand when you're overtired. You need to be able to talk to him about your fears and insecurities and why you do what you do.

[Irulan]

Go read the "relationships and marriage" thread for hints on working relationships.

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=27659

[Mr. Bloom]

I hate myself...

Please do not hate yourself

Separate "you" from the relationship. I personally think it's OK to mourn the loss and hope that there's redemption...but separate yourself from the situation and don't hate "you". None of us is perfect, none of us controls another's feelings. There's no redemption possible if you beat yourself up. It's this point forward that you can control at this point.

I know this is a very difficult time and it sounds like one of regret. I hope you feel better soon.

[spindizzy]

ah yes..the evil word that causes challenges at our house. "Criticism."

I was raised by an army dad and a stay-at-home mom. (they split up when I was 13- mom came back when I was 15, and left again for good when I was 16...) Always had to do things the army "right" way or do it again. Though I do agree with that, it was the ongoing criticism that permeated everything that I did. My younger siblings had it worse, and still do. When you live with criticism, it is hard to shake those patterns of behaviour. So it has made me fearful of saying anything; I'm always analyzing.."Am I being too critical or is this valid?" (which isn't right either)

My DH was also raised by an army dad and a stay-at-home mom. He never argued with his father, because his dad was "always right." So he thought "Why bother."

So he sees any minor corrections I suggest as "major criticism" and then doesn't want to deal with it. (I guess he sees me as his dad) Oy ve!! (sp?)

So I guess what it boils down to is recognizing and changing the patterns of destructive communication - finding the neutral ground that you both can live with. That's how you forgive youself..and you've recognized your part in this. It is a lot of hard work - I hope that you both can do it.

[indigoiis]

I have to agree that sometimes relationships are just not meant to be. If you were correcting his grammar and critical of his direction following skills - it doesn't make you a b*t*h, it makes you on a different level than him. Sometimes those relationships work, sometimes they don't.

Maybe it would be best if you spent some time alone evaluating what you want, and then be open to the possibility of it coming to you. Don't ponder too much on old hurts - chalk them up as lessons learned. You might send him a card or a letter expressing how you feel - keeping the tone as positive as possible.

[Duck on Wheels]

You forgive yourself because even good people, smart people, well-intended people sometimes make mistakes. Nobody's above that. In a good relationship, we allow one another to make mistakes, and to point out our own. (((But of course it helps if they're also pointing out our good sides as well.)))

[Jewell]

Don't blame yourself. He wasn't putting in the effort to share his feelings. He shouldn't expect you to be able to read his mind. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

I'm in couples counseling right now with my lovely boyfriend and I've learned that there are various methods of attack that are used by lovers who have the best intentions. It sounds like your boyfriend was utilizing the passive aggressive method of attack. He was insensitive to you by not being honest with you.

I have been involved with guys who are the "nicest" individuals. When the relationship crashed I always blamed myself because they were "so nice". These men would rather stay quiet than speak their mind when you try to start a commentary. I than think these men were stoic, patient, forgiving, when what their really doing is being dishonest and passive aggressive. Using niceness as a weapon...

If he does end up coming back you must go to counseling. Other wise these things will never be reconciled.

[singletrackmind]

You can ask how you can forgive yourself for insensitivity but only half the time. The other half you have to ask how you can forgive him for not communicating, for being too sensitive, for letting you carry the entire weight of his happiness without your knowledge.


Putting blame squarely on your shoulders when two share the burden is hardly fair to either of you.


Whatever happens, learn from this. Think about if, how and what you need to do for a little bending but don't think you need to bend to the breaking point. That's unreasonable.


Hope things work out for you. Just remember, sometimes things are working out even when you think they aren't.

[VeloVT]

Thanks PscyclePath for a post that's deep, intellectual, considerate, and a great example of the unfailing compassion and empathy of men....

I think you misinterpreted this. I watched the video and thought it was funny. The take away from it is that men are big dumb lugs and they don't realize that they are behaving badly (yes, sitting in front of the TV with empty beer cans and pizza boxes is gross), but they still feel hurt when the woman they love gets mad at them. I thought the part about the wife coming to bed with cold cream on her face ("sometimes I'm feeling frisky, but these days it's just too risky") was actually really sad. Like, genuinely sad.

Psyclepath is good peeps.

[VeloVT]

Chicago, I don't really have anything new to add, but I think everyone has good advice.

--I agree that sometimes being the victim is a form of passive aggression, and he needs to take responsibility for telling you how he feels.

--It's helpful sometimes, when you can feel a fight coming on but you feel like it's really important to communicate what you are trying to communicate, to step back and say, "It seems like I'm hurting your feelings, and I really don't mean to do that. It seems like you are interpreting what I am saying as X, Is that right?" I know that's not that helpful without more specifics, but sometimes trying to really understand WHY the other person is reacting the way they are to what you are saying can turn it back into a constructive conversation.

[indysteel]

As others have suggested, you are only half of the problem here. Yes, you should probably evaluate whether you're overly critical as a general rule or were overly critical of him. But the fact that he didn't express his feelings and provide you with a meaningful opporunity to change and, instead, chose to just walk out the door suggests to me that he has a lot of work to do on himself, too.

I grew up in a family where the norm was to simply cut people out and walk away, so I understand his approach more than I care to admit. It's taken a lot of work, some therapy, and the love of some very trustworthy people to break that habit.

In any event, I'm very sorry you're hurting.

Hugs,

Kate