Need some advice

[NeedSomeAdvice]

Where do I begin?

Best friend and I have done a lot of biking together. We are drifting apart as far as speed goes. I'm comfortable riding 17 - 21 mph on the flats effortlessly while she's more of the 15 - 17 mph. My goal is to start racing next summer, while she is content to watch the scenery go by. I don't think there's anything wrong with either one of our goals. The problem lies with the fact she gets upset if I want to ride with the fast group on club rides. I keep telling her she's capable but no go. I've been sneaking around riding with the boys getting my butt handed to me (and loving every minute of it) but I know it would kill her to know I've been riding without her. I also get funny looks when I tell her I ride by myself. She doesn't like riding by herself.

Just this weekend, we did a charity ride together with a group of friends. I rode her speed on Saturday and we all finished together. On Sunday, I woke up chomping at the bit wanting to stretch my legs. I wasn't sore and really wanted to see how fast I could go. I heard "are you going to try to ride with the guys today" and felt trapped. How do I answer? Yes - and piss her off from the start or No - and be frustrated wanting to go faster but holding back. I've offered to pull her on many occasions but she won't tell me when she falls off. Ended up riding by myself for awhile up front and jumped on the back of a train that was doing 25 - 28. We met back up at the lunch stop as I was leaving and she was coming in.

She let me have it and rightly so, I never told her I wasn't going to ride with her. But it's not like I left her all by herself. There were several other friends that rode with her. They chatted the whole time. I guess I need to have this conversation with her, rather than you all, but don't know where to begin. I have asked her a few times "when do I get to realize my potential?" Which usually get's a "fine" and roll eyes look, which in turn makes me feel like the bad guy.

She's my best friend and I don't know what to do. It's a tough spot to be in.

[Aint Doody]

I'd suggest having a standing "date" with her where you ride her speed. And then plan to ride the rest of the time as you want to. If she's a really good friend she should be OK with this.

[Bike Goddess]

Since this gal is your best friend, I'm surprised that you haven't already had some kind of conversation about your goals and intentions for next year. By all means find out what it is that is bothering her. Just listen- maybe something from the past about being left behind is what has her reacting this way.

I would also suggest that perhaps you set aside times you can both ride together and other times when you'll be riding either by yourself or with the guys. That way all of your actions are above board.

[Triskeliongirl]

My husband and I are 'best friends' but I can't imagine asking him to ride a pace that is unatural for him so we can ride together. We start and end a ride together, go to lunch together after, etc., but we each do the ride with our own peer group. Simple as that. And, when we do ride together, we do something else to equalize our speeds, he'll pull me all the way, and usually have some luggage or ride a slower bike.

[NeedSomeAdvice]

Since this gal is your best friend, I'm surprised that you haven't already had some kind of conversation about your goals and intentions for next year.

My intentions of racing have certainly come up. I have told her about the crit practices they have here weekly and how I want to join up with them. I don't want to make assumptions but I'm guessing she's jealous of my abilities. We both bought bikes at the same time and have pretty much the same amount of miles on them but I just ride faster. I can't help it. It comes natural. Weird, because I was HORRIBLE at track in high school.

I routinely ride at her pace. Probably 95% of our rides. It's the other 5% that gets me in trouble. I've always been an athlete and I've always been incredibly competitive. I'm not competive with her though, as I know it's not her intentions. That's why I ride with the boys.

[makbike]

Why not just sit down and talk. The suggestion that you set a day aside to ride together is great. You need to ride your ride and shot for your goals. If you don't you will eventually grow to resent your friend and your friendship will dissolve.

My BF and I have had a similar talk. I certainly can't keep up with him so we will, from time to time, ride to the ride together, start out together and then he drops me. However, he is always waiting for me when I pull in and we leave together. Yesterday, I was ride captain for a 35 mile ride. He could have taken off with the fast pack but decided to hang back with me and keep me company as I swept the course. He was typically always just ahead of me but it was nice knowing he was there. He would be miserable if he had to ride at my pace all the time and I would be equally as frustrated if I tried to keep up with him. The important thing is that both of enjoy our time on our bikes, celebrate each others accomplishments. Talk to your friend and be honest (hard I know). If she is your friend she will understand.

[Geonz]

Is she always that possessive? I dunno, sounds like might be a bigger issue if she can't let you do something without her. What's she afraid of? Time for a talk...

[Pedal Wench]

All of my friends are my cycling friends. We LOVE riding together. However, we always respect the training needs of each other. When I need a hill-training ride and they all want to do flats, I go do hills, and they understand. When we're on a group ride, and I fall off the back, I'm THRILLED that they are able to hang onto the main group. That's all kind of the definition of being a 'friend'. It's a two-way street, this friendship thing...

[pooks]

Is she this high-maintenance in other areas as well, or is this the only one?

[PAP103]

I'm on the opposite end of your situation. My training partner rides much faster than me and enjoys riding with the faster group. I encourage her to go and let me ride with the slower group, I'm happy with that but she insists I can do it. Many times I let myself get talked into it and then get dropped after a few miles and end up riding alone. I try to explain to her that I'm not interested in riding that fast and actually ENJOY my rides with the slower group but I think she feels guilty because we started out cycling together and she's progressed quickly and I haven't. But the thing is, we joined a club and we've met great people to ride with - both slow and fast.

Maybe if you find others to ride with, your friend can find some slower folks to ride with and then meet you and your group after the ride for socializing.

Good luck,
Patty

[Lenusik]

She's my best friend and I don't know what to do. It's a tough spot to be in.

A good conversation will definitely help you. It is unfair for you to push her if she does not want to ride faster. And it is unfair for her to hold you back. I ride wil husband a lot. And I can keep up with him on the flats at a very good speed, but this is not the case on the hills. Maybe I am weird, but I don't like him waiting for me especially if it is a known rout for me.
Just talk to her. She has no right to be offended if you have different cycling goals.

[Trek420]

Can you do your recovery rides with your friend and do the zippy speedy days with other ride folk?

I read somewhere that the best riders training schedule reads like a social calendar: recovery ride with ____, speed work with _____, hill repeats with ____, ride to coffee and lunch with ___

But yeah, does sound a little possesive

Is there a group that rides her pace? Perhaps you can start and end some rides together.

[newbiechick]

It's interesting that it is often hardest to have tough conversations with the people we're closest to, even they "should" be the easiest to talk to. There's such a desire not to hurt feelings, etc. I find that the most direct conversations are usually the best and most productive in the long run, even though they're not always easy. It's when things are NOT stated directly that there is a lot of room for misunderstanding and such.

Perhaps the place to start is by telling her how much you have enjoyed cycling with her and how much satisfaction you get from an activity that you began together. Then you can go on to talk about how your cycling goals have changed and evolved. I think that others' suggestions of setting aside one ride a week with her is a good idea. It will allow you to continue to share the cycling experience together. If she's as good a friend as you say, then getting everything out on the table will probably help clear the air.

I can empathize with both of you to a certain extent. I've only been riding a very short time; my husband has been riding for years and is a pretty strong rider. Fortunately, he likes to ride with me even tho' it is a VERY leisurely ride for him. As he says, "I don't have to ride fast to enjoy it; I just want to be on the bike." (I'm so lucky!!) The way we've made it work for both of us is that we drive to a nearby state forest to ride. We ride anywhere from 10 to 24 (my max so far) miles together; then I drive home and he does a hard, fast 10+ mile ride home.

On the other side, I'm also a runner. I've run a half-marathon with a friend two times. This year she couldn't run because of an injury; I had my best run so far. And now I've set a goal for myself for next year's event and I know the only way for me to have the best race possible is to do the whole thing on my own. I've learned I have to be very careful about my pacing; even starting with her is likely to throw me off for the duration. I'm faced the need to talk to her about our not running together. I know she'll be fine with it, but it's still a tough conversation to have.

I wish you all the best with this. If she's as good a friend as you say she is, I'm sure the two of you will be able to work this out without hurting your friendship.

newbiechick
aka Shelley