...right out of your hair!

[Lise]

As in ride that man right out of your hair!

So today at work, I was internally grousing about how it's gorgeous today in Chicago, a perfect spring evening the likes of which we almost never see in April...and I have these cute spring-date-night clothes that almost never get worn...and that stupid-guy-who-stopped-returning-my-phone-calls should be taking me out on a fabulous date!!! Ahem. Noooo, we don't date stupid guys anymore, Lise....

Ah! The BIKE! The beeuouteous bike! Hopped on and rode and rode. 18 mi roundtrip. Rode down to one of the most lovely spots in Chicago. If you come visit us, take a stroll down the roadway between the Shedd Aquarium and the Adler Planetarium. Half-way along, stop, turn, and look out over the lake to the city. Your heart will soar. Mine did.

Alas, the route continues to confound me. Urban adventure, avoiding suddenly flung open taxi doors, pedestrians gone mad, rollerbladers talking on the phone (?!?). I will find a way to get down to the Museum campus and parts south without traversing the lakefront north branch. So when I wasn't dodging taxis, I was cogitating on route variations.

It being early in the season, I forgot that one bottle of water + no snacks = really hungry and thirsty. Yeeessss....it's all coming back to me!

The bike is so wonderful. I mean, I was at 17 mph between stop signs! Oh, how I dream of a long stretch where I can ride full-out without worrying about running into anybody. I will find it!

Glad I'm not out on a date with a stupid guy right now. Smiling, fed, hydrated, and my muscles buzzing with endorphins.

[janetsplanet]

I find men replaceable and changeable but a good bike is hard to find...
You will find a better one..I can feel it.

[DrBee]

The right man is out there somewhere. He'll show up where and when you least expect him. At least you have that beautiful bike to keep you going! That will never change! Consistency is a good thing

[KnottedYet]

Biking helps in so many ways! When my s.o. and I are too grumpy to speak, we go for a bike ride. Or multiple multiple RIDES. When I moved out for a while we still met for rides. When you do something you love together, it's easier to remember that you really do love that person. (even if they aren't perfect. 'Course, we are perfect, it's just them that aren't perfect...)

I agree with the others, you'll find someone when you least expect it.

(seems like the ones I find when I'm LOOKING are the worst)

[Trek420]

where's that thread, ah, here:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showt...ghlight=praise

there can be advantages to cycling single, and the bike can cure so many ills. I agree with Knottedyet, always seem to meet the best people when we stop looking.

And then you'll have the most amazing legs

When you do find a single, sane, non-stupid, non-sedentary guy, ask him if he has a sister in the Bay Area you can introduce me to will ya?

[bikerz]

Hey Lise - sounds like a great ride! And the perfect attitude!

I'm suddenly single after my 14-year relationship ended - and totally dreading sidling into the dating scene as a 40-something (good grief - I was still in my 20's last time I was single!)

But a friend of mine told me way back then that I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful way to think - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!

Meanwhile ride, ride, ride and give that really great guy time to get ready for you!

[Lise]

where's that thread, ah, here:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showt...ghlight=praise

When you do find a single, sane, non-stupid, non-sedentary guy, ask him if he has a sister in the Bay Area you can introduce me to will ya?

Thanks, Trek, that was a fun read! I'll definitely keep my ears out for that fabulous sister in the Bay Area. Only my aversion to long-distance relationships will keep me from flying out to check her out myself! L.

[Trek420]

bikerz sez "a friend of mine told me...I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful... - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!"

I dunno about that, I've given the next ms Trek over 50 years now to get ready to go. Cheezits, how long's it take the gal? I didn't think I'm that complex or demanding.

But on the other hand good theory, whatever takes the pressure off is ok by me.

OT I think Queen and her DP are on the road as we speak headed for the sunshine and Southwest. Maybe they will bring the sun this way.

[Lise]

Hey Lise - sounds like a great ride! And the perfect attitude!

I'm suddenly single after my 14-year relationship ended - and totally dreading sidling into the dating scene as a 40-something (good grief - I was still in my 20's last time I was single!)

But a friend of mine told me way back then that I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful way to think - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!

Meanwhile ride, ride, ride and give that really great guy time to get ready for you!

Sorry to hear about the end of what you'd put so much time and love into. I hope that next one is getting ready and looking for me...I learned, and will keep learning, a lot about myself in the past month. Hope it makes me more ready to be discerning and open to the next "right" one. Same for you, for us all. L.

[betagirl]

I too wonder how you talk on the phone and rollerblade at the same time....

Guy demons be gone!

[Trek420]

betagirl "Guy demons be gone!"

wouldn't that make a great name for a Shampoo as in "It'll wash that man right outa your..."

[Grog]

Hey Lise,

I found this out of the cellar archives. Enjoy the passages about "fit".

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=3194

Ride on girl!!

[Lise]

Thanks for the link, Grog. Good reading. I've been reflecting, this week, on my desire for the prestige of having a partner. The old idea that "I'll show the world I'm OK because so-and-so wants to be with me." What an abuse of another human being that really is. This guy who disappeared did not fit well with me, obviously. He had external aspects that met my desire for prestige and security. He reminded me of my dad, in good ways. He looks good on paper. We had physical "chemistry". He is an ex-pro baseball player, and listens to/watches sports a lot. But he showed no interest in my athletic endeavors. There would be no rides or runs with this guy. I was already wondering how I was going to date him and train for triathlons and my first century ride this summer.

He just did me a favor by taking himself out of the picture sooner rather than later. I would've appreciated the dignity of "good-bye", but there's another piece of evidence that we were not a good fit.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 5 years longer than I should have. The first episode of physical violence should have been the last. Of course, I had just sold all my furniture and moved in and told everybody that at last I'd found my soul mate, blah, blah, blah. Prestige. Couldn't admit I was wrong. What a powerful skill that is. To be able to say, "I was wrong".

By the time I was out of that, I was 30# overweight, I'd cut my hair to within an inch of my scalp, etc, every outward manifestation of misery possible. I found some new friends who are active, healthy, and working the 12 step program I've been part of for 21 years now, but had let that practice slide. So, now, six years later, here I am. An athlete. I'm active in my own spiritual and physical well-being. My hair's below my shoulders, and I can walk away from an unhappy end to a dating relationship with dignity and some sense of humor. Here sure beats there!

Here's to all of us who know the value of a good hard ride on a beloved bike. L.

[Grog]

What you say Lise about prestige is right, even if I probably would have used the word "security" instead. Emotional security, I mean.

I will not deny that one of the great advantages of sharing a life with someone is (or should be) occasional reassurance on self-worth. Having someone to hug you, to tell you 'I love you' and 'It's all going to be fine' is great on a tough day when feelings of uncertainy about competence or capacities abound. Friends can play that role, but they're not necessarily around. When single, tough days can seem more frequent, and building this reassurance can be hard.

I am happy to have been through periods of celibacy in my life. Those were good times (mostly), when I learned a lot about myself. Yet, I'm also happy that I met someone else (after starting that thread you just read). And I'm still learning a lot.

You're totally right that the first episode of abuse is one too many. It is strange how human beings - mostly women it seems - can live with the contradiction of finding emotional security in someone abusing them. But I understand how it can happen, and I am very admiring of you for emerging out of that relation a few years ago (and become an amazing chick in the meantime!!!).

So I agree that we shouldn't stay in relationships for the sake of prestige or security, although I recognize how hard it is to walk out of that. When I look back on that relationship that ended in June for me, I realize how unfulfilling it was on the emotional side, even if there were other aspects of the relationship that were interesting. Still, I had decided to put up with that, and it ended up being him that left me. Good for me! I have been lucky enough to meet someone who's totally caring and considerate, who not only loves to cycle but also encourages and inspires me in going further, in athletics and other areas. Of course not everything is perfect - I don't believe in the perfect fit, even if I find the metaphor useful - but I am slowly learning to discern what I find really, really important in a relationship, and what doesn't matter that much.

There are good guys out there. And you're a great girl. I am confident that you'll meet a good match sometime, but in the meantime I also know that you're so strong that you'll have no problem being on your own. Plus, you need time to train, right?

[Lise]

Thanks, Grog. I am delighted to hear that you connected with a wonderful man, and not too long after. I *do* need the time to train! L.