feeling defeated ughh...

[smilingcat]

See dear cat thread:

why are they having a turf war with the dogs??

I hate myself sometimes because I've learned to do lots of things fairly well. I wish I didn't know how to cook or bake then some one else can do it for me.

I hate fixing computers. It is so frustrating and time consuming. Why can't they just stay running? And all those "evil-doers" who have to try their mettle with computer virus. I hate you for making more work for me!!

I'm getting really frustrated with building my new ride. A human powered vehicle. A trike with full body... I've made a quarter scale static model sans canopy. Making the canopy has been very frustrating. I've tried to form it out of plexiglass and its not forming right.

Made a large display format cycling computer with minimal function so its easy to work. Making the case has been exercise in futility.

I wish I didn't know how to weld using oxy-acetylene. I wish I didn't know how to use a metal lathe, a mill, or any of the power tools. Even wood working tools. I wish I didn't know how to throw pottery on the wheel or how to fire them... I wish I had zero understanding in chemistry, aerodynamics, mechanics, physics, electronics, computers... My sister can't do tenth of what I know how to do and she is blissfully ignorant and happy!! And here I am suffering in my own angst, my ennui sigh... My advanced degree, a flypaper on the wall isn't helping any. I've thrown away the rest of the flypaper. They just dirty my wall.

All are conspiring and laughing at me. I feel defeated. So I eat and I've never weigh as much as I do today. WHY ME!!

Henri on youtube... You have company and even your nemesis the white idiot cat, I have an equivalent. And yes she too is blissful in her ignorance.

tomorrow will be another day of frustration. If it was groundhog day it wouldn't be so bad.

[lph]

Yeah, I'm laughing at you :-D I wish I could do half of these things!

Hope your day looks better soon :-) If not, go watch Sherlock, the BBC version. Now he has a lot of excess information to handle...

[Crankin]

I am not sure if your post is in earnest/serious, or said in a slightly humorous way, because you are frustrated. If it's the latter, just wait for tomorrow. If this is more indicative of how you really feel, well, maybe you should think about what *really* is important and makes you happy.
I hate to tell you, but your advanced degree means sh*t most of the time. What you said about your sister leaves me feeling slightly uncomfortable. I have no knowledge of any of those subjects, and I am not "blissfully ignorant." In fact, I have 2 advanced degrees. Which, most of the time, mean nothing to the majority of the people in the world.

[lph]

This is neither here nor there, but smilingcat, your post reminded me a little of the time I was with a (female) co-worker up doing fieldwork on a glacier. Very basic stuff, just measuring the depth of the snowpack. It was minus 15 C, we were hours away from anyone else, and we couldn't get the ancient snowmobiles started. So there we stood, knee-deep in snow, with each our advanced degree in glaciology and geomorphology and cryo-this, that and the other, and were completely useless. I did the one thing I know how to do with an engine, which is change the spark plugs, and they still wouldn't start.

So of course we pulled out our cellphones and started calling ... all the guys we know

Moral being: you can have degrees coming out the back of your head, but they don't help much with real, everyday problems.

[ny biker]

I think you should go for a bike ride. If the weather is not right for a ride where you live, then go for a long walk.

[smilingcat]

I wish I didn't get these angst. It's very counterproductive. Maybe what I lack is chutzpah. Thinking of the farm and how to run it, setting up is such a daunting task, I've never felt more overwhelmed than now. In Japanese, this feeling is called kokoro bosoi (thin in spirit is literal translation).

Things are moving along but my confidence level is low. Marketing worries me to no end. What if no one wants it?
Then the logistics of setting things up that most never consider.
hand washing station with hot water and soap
washing station to clean the vegetables
sorting station
packing station
walk in cooler
ice machine
packing boxes, where to get them? and how expensive are they? an on and on...

Then there are the growing issues. Have coyotes, have gophers, field mice, and voles. We even had an elk trample about an acre of field just the other night. IT WAS AN ELK not deer.

I'm still getting acquainted with the tractor with all the hydraulic controls. And all the maintenance I have to do with grease gun (a thing to squirt grease into bearings so things run smooth). A fuel additive to the diesel so there is no bacterial or algae bloom.

setting up a drip irrigation system on 10 acres, setting up the green houses with all its vents, fans, control, tables...

I'm scared!! I can't remember last time I felt scared like this or kokoro bosoi (not hopeless). Times like this I wish I were the arch nemesis of Henri, the empty headed white cat.

Sometimes, I wish I could be like a guy without any training and who goes out drinking the night before an event and thinks he can ride the 100mile the next day. well maybe not delusional.

my rambling for the day

I wish I had to confidence to know that I can pull this thing off!

[lph]

I hear you, Smilingcat. I've often wished I was one of those people who go out and do things mindlessly myself.
I'm certain you will figure it all out and be successful. But maybe not all at once. Maybe not right away. But this must be something that every new farmowner goes through, nobody is born just knowing all of this stuff! Is there any kind of forum or community for new farmers that could help?

[OakLeaf]

Hang in there. I can't imagine how hard it must be. But there's a success story near me - two young women started a small vegetable farm and eight years later the farm is still going and expanding. One thing I think has really helped them is using WOOFer interns. You'd have to house and feed them obviously, but on this farm they're housed in very primitive conditions. Plenty of young people are okay with that, I did a similar kind of internship myself my first summer out of college.

Then building loyalty among their consumer customers by starting a CSA (which obviously helps with cash flow too) and offering a discount for customers who take a volunteer shift - and having a dinner at the farm a couple of times a year featuring their produce and other local producers', with farm tours. I have no idea how the wholesale end of the business works though ...

Right from the start, their produce stood out at the farmers' market, it's so very clear they grow with love and care. I have no doubt yours will be the same and you will enjoy well deserved success.

[Catrin]

Just keep putting one foot ahead of the other, we are all in your cheering section!

[BlessedB]

Wow SmilingCat,
Your post sounds similar to when I'm up to my neck in a depression. Sometimes a med adjustment helps, sometimes I have to just wait it out. I will not be presumptuous enough to attempt a diagnosis, only note the similarities. The worst part for me is, when I'm there I can see no good, no light, in myself. You are shining light with all the wonderful things you're doing, from welding to farming to designing. Can you see it? We are here with you.

[Crankin]

BlessedB, you are correct. I don't really want to diagnose on line (though more than one TE members have privately asked about stuff like this), but I hope Smiling Cat is doing better. I can't imagine the stress of starting a farm. I think my response was rather flip, now that I read it, but I generally am in my "regular" self and not my therapist self. I should have said something.

[smilingcat]

Hi Catrin and BlessedB,

Thank you for your concern. I tend to be broody, deep in thought. Part of the problem is I'm just too critical of my own actions.

Yes I'm highly frustrated because things are taking much longer than I wish. All of it should have been done long time ago without any cluster &$#@ but then it would not be reality. The male engineers I worked with loved the term cluster $#@ to describe one failure on top of another...

I dwell on the negative so that it gets corrected. I think is the best way to describe my propensity to be broody especially when I'm in midst of my projects. Some times I feel overwhelmed by them.

So I'm not so sure if I want to call it depression. Once the problem is solved or projects completed, I'm happy for about a second. Job well done, pat myself on the back. Okay. next problem...

back to the drawing board with a sharp pencil.

Still puzzled over why my Eee netbook is not loading up the latest PuppyLinux, an upgrade. Until then I can't communicate with the $30 laser. no go with the printer driver and PrecisePuppy distro. Another source of my frustration. Eee pc from 2008 is what I'm using right now. It's only six years old!! DAG NABITT!!

[Crankin]

Negative thinking and feeling overwhelmed is a hallmark of depression (and anxiety). Glad you can make it motivating, but it's not fun or good for your mental and physical health. It leads to cognitive distortions if you continually engage in it.
OK, therapist hat is off and I am back to my regular self.