Mega sticky friend dilemma

[Reesha]

I am suddenly embroiled in this horrible, awful, sticky, terrible situation. I'm going to try to explain enough of it without any revealing specifics for the sake of privacy, but I really need some advice on this one. I really really really don't know what to do.

My coworker and I are good friends. Her DH opened a restaurant last year with some of his friends/fans as investors about the same time they got married. My DBF was offered a job managing the office/accounting side of things. She and I share an office and a curriculum.

Recently her DH left the restaurant. My DBF told me the night of, but I figured friend would tell me when I came back to work on Monday. We usually talk about this stuff. Five days go by... giant elephant in the room! I tell her that I know he left, that I'm not asking questions, and she says she's not talking about it. I think to myself this is unusual for her, but I figure her DH is moving onto other projects and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Yesterday (nearly two weeks after her DH initially left the restaurant) I went by the day the place was closed to pick up my DBF. Owner/bar manager and new executive chef and DBF sit me down. They drop the biggest bomb I have ever heard on me. Basically her DH has been stealing from the restaurant. Restaurant is owned by a partnership of four people and he was siphoning off money here and there (in addition to his salary) and gambling it all away. (I knew he liked to gamble, as does she-- but not the extent). What is worse is that he was taking a salary for 6 months and my friend didn't know about it. She thought he was not taking a salary to help ensure the success of the restaurant. Really he was spending it all at the casino.

The other owners and my DBF continued to find ways to cut him off... including cutting off his salary as a punishment so that he'd stop stealing money. I guess things came to a head recently and he was fired, made to leave and they are working on how to extricate him from the partnership. He may be sued for the stolen money that is more than what his stake in the company is worth. My friend is in the dark about all of this, but she may have no other option but to be drawn into the legal situation.

Anyway, I think they told me because they aren't allowed to talk to her but are hoping that I will warn her somehow. We have a professional relationship of 4 years to maintain-- we are absolute partners in our job. I also have a friendship to maintain. Honestly though she's a very rational person and won't believe anything without evidence and the owners are not able to tell her what she needs to know. I figure the best thing to do might be to suggest that she needs to grill her DH. I really don't know what to do. It's the end of the schoolyear... it's crazy... if she finds out now there will be no time to process and she won't be able to take time away. On the other hand it would keep her busy during a trying time. Part of me thinks it might be best to wait until things have calmed down at work. On the other hand, she deserves to know immediately. I really believe telling her is going to stress/temporarily ruin our friendship. What to do?

Urgh. I need help. Yes I do. Sticky, sticky, sticky.

[Penny4]

That is sticky and I'm sorry you are in that position.
I'm still thinking about what I would do. My initial reaction was Stay out of it! But then I thought, wouldn't I want my friend to tell me?
I really can't say either way because you also have a professional relationship with her which is something to consider.

However, one key line that stands out is:
Anyway, I think they told me because they aren't allowed to talk to her but are hoping that I will warn her somehow.

If you aren't sure they want you to tell her, this coudl make things even worse if you are not supposed to....

[Reesha]

Oh I should clarify. No they definitely want me to warn her. That much is clear. They also told her cousin who works in the industry locally and is close with her. I think the better word is that it's their hope/expectation that we will do our best to protect her.

[pll]

I suspect she may know at least part of the story -- the 'she's not talking about it' response suggests that to me. Else she might have shared some story in which her H is the victim. I think I would stay out. Gambling is addictive and addictions supersede rational behavior; it makes couple relationships crumble.

[shootingstar]

I think she must know something if she is unwilling to even mention why her hubby has left the restaurant.

My immediate reaction as a good friend within a professional work relationship, at some point later is to express you're around to do the best job with her, that you appreciate her as a professional colleague.

When she does tell you, I would tend to signal that your committment to her to do the best job on the job with her and that what her husband might have done is not related to what both you do on the job at school.

If she is very trustworthy as a work colleague, then most likely her relationship with her hubby is under great stress right now. It's probably a super tough time for her if she knows something but cannot reveal. Or it's about fly into the storm.

But if you wanted, to signal that you are there to listen to her. Maybe away from work environment and mention this.

[lph]

Wow. My gut reaction is if this is a close friend, loyalty to her comes first. It doesn't really matter how you found out about the stealing, but now you do know, and at some point she will know that you know. You don't have to tell her everything, but you can say that you've heard some of what's happened (but you haven't heard the dh's side of it), it sounds pretty serious, that she really needs to talk with her dh if she hasn't, and that you're there for her if she needs support. Then she can ask you for more details if she wants.

I can imagine that she suspects but doesn't want to admit it, is unhappy and maybe too ashamed to talk about it. I would be, if it were me. Knowing that you know some of it and are ok with it may be a big help. This sounds like gambling addiction, and she may need to know that not everyone thinks that her dh is evil and that she is dumb and naive.

But it depends on your relationship with her. You have to judge if her keeping her pride is more important, since you have a professional relationship with her too. Either way it will be uncomfortable. My sympathies!

[Reesha]

My impression and her cousins is that her DH has been busily maligning everyone who works at the restaurant. We suspect that he's told her there's been some disagreement resulting in a buyout.

It's just awful. She loves her DH so very much-- I was there from the beginning of their relationship, went to her wedding... her cousin and I are just shocked and stunned. DBF feels terrible (has for a year) and confessed that he feels like he knows her DH better than she does. It's just tragic. She is probably being asked to trust him 100% and she probably is doing just that. I just wish she'd ask me questions. That would certainly make it easier. But she seems to be operating under instructions not to talk at all.

DBF had an idea (brainstorm style) last night that maybe I should let her DH know that I know somehow to make him nervous enough to tell her. I backed away from that one immediately-- I just don't want to go there. But I think if I make more of a concerted effort to hang with her outside of work, he might get nervous to do the same. I don't think he's going to be able to lie forever.

[Reesha]

Also, I think she knows I am there to listen. Always have been in the last four years. What would amaze me would be if he said everyone at the restaurant has been lying (3 other owners, my DBF, former chef de cuisine, manager) and it's him vs. them and she doesn't question that at all. That should raise some alarm bells for her.

Perhaps I should stick to my gut reaction and keep an eye on her and let her know I'm there if she needs me. If she gets the impression that I'm worried about her she may start to suspect enough to ask tougher questions.

[OakLeaf]

Addiction is complicated and nasty. If she's a gambler too, even if she's not addicted the way he is, then she's got to have some really strong mechanisms in place keeping her from seeing his issues all along. It's quite possible that she IS addicted, but that she's just at a different place from him on the path towards the bottom. This sounds a lot like a younger me with alcohol and my alcoholic ex-husband (who hit bottom a few years after we split up).

I think that sadly, the friendship is at risk no matter what you do, because her mechanisms of denial may cause her to cut you off if you say anything to her OR if she feels you've been holding back. You've got to do the thing that you'll blame yourself for the least if everything goes to h*ll - the thing that you can best live with in your heart. It sounds like that's telling her.

[Reesha]

She is not a gambler thankfully. Because she keeps normal work hours and he didnt, he'd just go out all night. This has always been his habit and she never worried about it much. I think she's gone with him once or twice, but honestly she likes shopping too much to make a habit of it. She won't give him money either, but she is providing him with all the necessities of life. I know she's been struggling with him about the salary thing. She really thought he wasn't bringing home any money to help out with living expenses for a full year (six months of those he was getting paid). That he was getting a salary just kills me. We just thought he was being generous toward the restaurant. Oh the lies.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice our professional relationship over this. We both value it and if work is miserable for us, what is there? We are a team. We have kids to teach. Thus I am starting to think the best choice is to take a more passive role... let her know I'm there and that I'm concerned about her and leave it up to her to ask the tough questions when she's ready.

[pll]

I woke up this morning thinking about this and I still think the best course is to stay out of it. Either she knows or she's been told a story where DH was pushed out by the evil partners (most likely with the help of DBF...). In the latter story, if you step in, you become one more in the team of evil DH wrong doers. I think it's better to preserve your work relation and be there if she needs you down the line.

[Catrin]

Oh my, this couldn't be stickier, and regardless it is hard seeing a friend and business partner you care for going through this. Given that she has been so quiet on this does indicate that she knows/suspects something.

Given my recent "putting both feet in mouth" incident I've no business giving advice - but I like your idea about putting yourself in a supportive role. Letting her know that you are there/concerned for her does indirectly indicate that you know at least something of what is going on and may make it easier for her to broach the topic and is quite different from simply remaining silent. The professional relationship does make things more complex, but in the end you have to do what you can live with - regardless of how all of this comes out.

[NbyNW]

Been thinking about this since you posted ... it's one thing to let your friend know that you are there for her but if she is in the dark about the truth there is potential for big miscommunication and hurt feelings down the road. She is going to be hurt no matter what, whether it's by DH or whether it's because she feels a need to shoot the messenger.

Can you work with her cousin to talk with her together, get the facts out in the air? If it's two of you ripping off a band-aid rather than just one, you may be able to present a united front in delivering painful information but still letting her know that you are on her side.

[margo49]

I was in a work situation with someone at the centre of a nasty relationship - new relationships on both sides - divorce proceedings - community gossip situation.

I decided to never open the subject on the theory that she would then have 8 protected hours a day when she didn't have to worry about it or worry about what I as thinking about it/her/ everyone and everything.

She very much appreciated it. To have space and time to be herself - a very good and experienced child care worker - and not the person temporarily at the centre of attention for all this "spicy" gossip and being all confused and mixed up with the turmoil of ending and beginning a relationship at the same time

[Savra]

I always hesitate giving advice since I'm bound to "put my foot in my mouth" as well. With that said - I want to offer one take that has not been said yet. It looks like this issue is already a legal issue. Your friend and her husband may already have hired a lawyer or are figuring they are in legal trouble - hence her stance on not wanting to talk about it. Anything she says to you may have to come up in court - if it comes to that. Just as anything you say to her can be used in court - if it comes to that. Even if you don't want to testify in a court hearing saying things against her or her husband - you can still be subpoenaed. So, you may be able to offer simple moral support but with the legal issues hanging out there - I wouldn't expect her to want to confide in you.
I could be wrong - I often am. I just figured I would point this out.