coping skills

[redrhodie]

My dad and stepmother are coming for about a month. They're not staying with me while they're in state, but I'll be seeing them a lot. They drive me nuts. I love them, but really, they're hard to be with for even short amounts of time.

How can I relax when they're driving me crazy? I need help. I want to be able to spend time with them, and not pull my hair out. Any ideas? I asked my stepsister, who they stay with when they come to visit, how she does it, and she said "I drink a lot while they're here." I can see where they would drive her to drink, but that's not an option for me.

Any ideas?

[jessmarimba]

Big question is, what do they do that drives you nuts? Perhaps we can figure out how to mitigate their nuttiness...

My first suggestion would be the more structured the activities, the better. Or do things that don't really allow for human interaction (ie, theater rather than art museum).

(My second suggestion would be to time your next bike wreck so they feel obligated to behave in your presence...worked for my mom's visit last summer! )

[Blueberry]

I agree that more detail might help us come up with creative solutions. The other thing I would say is carve out time for you - where you know you won't have to deal with them (date night, rides, etc). That way, you know you'll be getting a break. That always helps me.

[spokewench]

Not knowing how they drive you crazy makes it difficult to give you suggestions, but here goes:

Parents, even if they are step-parents, usually have history with us and because of this history they drive us crazy. What I try to do is think of how I would deal with these people if they were really strangers and act accordingly. I use this tactic with my husband sometimes too when he is driving me crazy! Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

The next scenario is that I try to remember that the time I am spending with them is short, that controversy will not help and that if they were not here to drive me crazy anymore, I would be unhappy. So, I try to make the best of it. Be non-judgmental and hope for the best.

That's about all I can offer now, but hang in there - it will be okay!

[redrhodie]

Well, my dad's a Rodney Dangerfield type. He can be funny, but a lot of people find him offensive. I can deal with that side of him. I actually can't help but laugh at some of his antics. But, bringing him to a museum, he'd make fun of everything, then maybe fall asleep. He's like a 5 year old.

The main thing about them is that they are both constantly talking at the same time. It gets louder and louder until they're both yelling, trying to be heard over the other. My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

[Veronica]

Well since you don't really care about their stories - just kind of tune them out. Or work on ways to turn the conversation to something more interesting. Or interject weird stories of your own into it. "You know your neighbor reminds me of..." "My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..."

Veronica

[redrhodie]

"My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..."

That's brilliant!

[redrhodie]

The frustrating part is, my dad has a lot of good stories, but those don't get told. I need to try to get some of those out. Now I'm getting an idea. Maybe I should try interviewing him, preparing some questions about my family history, his childhood, that kind of thing.

[tangentgirl]

Plan activities with a fixed start and end time. Go to restaurants - so you have to leave - rather than just hanging out at your place. Plan stuff before you have other appointments for the same reason. Whoops, got to go!

[malkin]

For me it helps to be clear about my schedule in advance--especially if it is the same every day--"I'll be riding my bike every afternoon for 3 hours." This works because they value my fitness (and can't come with me).

I also rehearse forbidden topics and how I will not respond. I usually end up falling into the trap anyway, but sometimes I can just sit with a blank look and pretend I'm a wooden carving. This works better and better as we all age. I have also tried responding with an unrelated answer--as if I didn't know where the conversation was heading. A couple of times this has worked brilliantly.

[Crankin]

Well, if you want to escape for a bit, you could drive up here and visit . You could say it's an emergency bike ride.

[redrhodie]

Thanks, Crankin! Thanks everyone else, too. You know, just writing about this has made me realize the biggest part of the problem is them together. I'm going to suggest to my stepmother that I take my dad for a day. I'm sure she'll be glad to get to do some stuff without him, too. I haven't spent any time alone with him in about 20 years. I'm thinking of taking him to a baseball game, or bowling, then ice cream. Maybe to our old pizza place. I'm feeling better about this now.

They always want to see everyone in a group, and I hate groups. I can make this into something good. I shouldn't just suffer in silence, when it could be fun to see him.

[Bethany1]

I hope your visist turns out okay.

My FIL and his wife are monsters in public. He's the guy that thinks he's funny when he really comes across as a jerk. He and his wife yell at people they think are stupid and bicker back and forth. After the last incident, I told him and his wife to leave and never come back.

When they come visit you, your house, your rules, even if they are family. If it gets loud you could say, "Dad, could you talk a little softer please, it's hard to understand you when you talk so loud and when you keep correcting each other"

Yeah..get the public places, hence my FIL and his wife not coming back. Hang back and pretend not to know who they are. Once when he went to a Taco Bell and exclaimed, "Look! They have real Mexicans working here!" I refused to eat the food claiming I didn't like tacos. And that's a mild public visit.

If they love to talk, get them talking about family stories with his parents/siblings and hers. It's a great way to get to know them better. It was hilarious talking to my mom the last visit and she admitted she saw the old Yogi Bear movie my kids were watching in the movie theater when she was a kid. It was "wow..my mom likes cartoons??"

[tulip]

Remember that you cannot change people--how they behave, what they do or say. The only thing you can control is how you react to them.

[jessmarimba]

Ooh I would definitely try to get him alone and maybe record a conversation, get his stories. That'd be pretty cool.

My dad stops listening when he's had too much to drink. At that point, I make sure he has someone else to talk to and I make my exit.