Resurrecting a friendship, or letting it lie?

[emily_in_nc]

I would love to hear what others would do in this situation; I am really at a loss.

A former girlfriend of mine is in a career networking group with a couple of my former co-workers (male) who were laid off and are looking for work. I assume she is trying to re-enter the workforce as she quit to have kids many years ago and has been a SAH mom ever since.

This is a friend I met at work when she was single and I was a newlywed, back in the 1980s. We became close, I was in her wedding, but it was always just us doing "girl" things together once we no longer worked together: meeting for lunch, shopping, taking a ceramics class together, and very occasionally visiting at each other's homes. Both my DH and I really disliked her husband; he was overly controlling, OCD, borderline emotionally abusive to her and even to their two children, IMO. So we never did anything with them as a couple. My DH said that if I wanted to be friends with her, that was fine, but he had no intention of making nice with her DH, which I respected.

Fast forward a few years, to the early 90's, and we moved nearly an hour apart, she was now a SAH mom of two young children, became very active in La Leche league and her church. I, a non-churchgoer and in a childless marriage, struggled with infertility treatments (never did have children), and continued to work. I got into many different interests like cycling, hiking, travel, etc. My friend and I just, in my mind, grew apart; our lives and interests were totally different.

We still made some efforts to get together for lunch now and then, but they were frustrating because she usually had to bring at least one child along, and was perpetually late, while I was on a schedule since I had to get back to work. We couldn't have a decent phone conversation because she allowed her children to interrupt her numerous times while we were talking - this really bothered me. And she shared an email address with her DH at the time, so I wouldn't even email her b/c I didn't want him reading my notes.

So, I made a conscious decision to drop out of the friendship. I stopped returning her calls and emails (they weren't frequent anyway). I stopped sending Christmas cards. She kept trying, for years, literally. Just in the last couple of years she has finally stopped sending Christmas cards. Every time I would get one, I'd feel so guilty, wishing she'd just give up on me.

Back to the present. Somehow, she ended up in this networking group with my much more recent co-workers, and since she used to work at the same company we all work(ed) at, I guess she asked them about me, and told them we used to be really close, etc. She passed along her email address for one of them to give me (at least it's her OWN email address now). I have no idea if she's left her husband or if she just wants to get back to work now that her kids are older.

In any event, I am at a loss on what to do. I don't know if I want to contact her or not. Over the past several years, I have dreamed about her quite a few times, so I know there's obviously some guilt or unfinished business there on my end. We still don't live close together, and my life is very full. Although she's a sweet person that I used to care very much for, I am just not sure I want to open that door again. I know if I email her, she is very likely going to want to get together. She is a "friends for life" type of person.

If we lived across the country, I'd probably email her, knowing that it could just be a distant kind of relationship. I don't really have the time or energy for another "in person" friendship, but I feel like a mean and selfish person if I choose to "just say no", so that's my dilemma.

What would you do?

[badger]

hmm. What I'm hearing is that the only reason why you would be friends with her now is because of guilt. Probably not the best reason to rekindle a friendship.

I came across a similar situation a few years ago. I was very good and close friends with a girl that I worked with. We both left the company. She eventually married and went into a different career and had children. We have really different lives, and while I enjoyed her company at that time in my life, we have nothing in common years later. When she called me out of the blue years later, she told me to keep in touch, but I never did.

This is primarily why I refuse to ever have a facebook account. Why in the world would I want to know people I lost touch with? we obviously didn't keep in touch for a reason.

Let me put it this way, if she was not making the effort, would you bother? I think the answer is no...

[lph]

I know how you feel, and I'm sure many others here know the feeling too. Unfortunately there is just no good way to say "I'm sorry, I know we had a good friendship at one point but it's not there now and I don't want to keep in touch with you" without sounding like a cold-hearted b****. I'm guessing the guilt is from ignoring her, not from actually letting the friendship go. I've done the same, and hoped things would just fizzle out. It's a bit hard when people view a friendship differently.

[Irulan]

What I get out of this is that the friendship never had that much meaning for you to begin with, and it's nothing to feel guilty about. People grow and change, and if there'd been a deep connection to begin with, you'd be excited to have rediscovered each other, not dreading it.

[Irulan]

hmm. What I'm hearing is that the only reason why you would be friends with her now is because of guilt. Probably not the best reason to rekindle a friendship.

I came across a similar situation a few years ago. I was very good and close friends with a girl that I worked with. We both left the company. She eventually married and went into a different career and had children. We have really different lives, and while I enjoyed her company at that time in my life, we have nothing in common years later. When she called me out of the blue years later, she told me to keep in touch, but I never did.

This is primarily why I refuse to ever have a facebook account. Why in the world would I want to know people I lost touch with? we obviously didn't keep in touch for a reason.

Let me put it this way, if she was not making the effort, would you bother? I think the answer is no...

LOL, you don't have to friend everyone that finds you, duh. One does have control over that.

[Crankin]

I would let it lie. I have dropped friends when the differences in our lifestyles became too much. Feeling guilty may be somewhat normal, but we have the right to choose who we want to spend our time with.

[Biciclista]

If you're curious, write to her. Otherwise, just ignore it. Tell your coworker to say hello for you if she runs into her again, you bear her no malice, you just don't have time for that kind of relationship right now.

[Cataboo]

If she's actively giving people her contact info for you - just write her a short email. You don't want her giving more people her email address for you or asking more of your mutual acquaintances about you.

It's easy enough to say you're too busy with Belize or whatever to meet her to catch up or to devote much energy to friendships lately.

You guys were at different points in your life previously, maybe her kids are grown and she's ready to have adult relationships again. Maybe she's hoping you have some contacts that could help her get working again.

No, you shouldn't base a relationship on pity or guilt - but at the same point because of your past history, you should at least acknowledge her and just not pursue the friendship.

[ny biker]

If she's actively giving people her contact info for you - just write her a short email. You don't want her giving more people her email address for you or asking more of your mutual acquaintances about you.

It's easy enough to say you're too busy with Belize or whatever to meet her to catch up or to devote much energy to friendships lately.

You guys were at different points in your life previously, maybe her kids are grown and she's ready to have adult relationships again. Maybe she's hoping you have some contacts that could help her get working again.

No, you shouldn't base a relationship on pity or guilt - but at the same point because of your past history, you should at least acknowledge her and just not pursue the friendship.

I agree.

[Cataboo]

If you're curious, write to her. Otherwise, just ignore it. Tell your coworker to say hello for you if she runs into her again, you bear her no malice, you just don't have time for that kind of relationship right now.

That sort of puts the onus on her coworkers to say she doesn't want her as a friend. Not really a nice spot to put the coworkers in.

[ACG]

Obviously you care enough to think about it, this shows you are a kind person, a little guilty, don't be. Your lives took different paths. That is what wwe call life.

Here is another side of the coin:

I was married to a controlling abusive person. I had to take my kids with me because he wouldn't watch them and I felt guilty always asking relatives to watch them. It was easier not to go out many times. I did work outside of the home, my one saving grace. My ex checked all my e-mails, so I never asked people to e-mail me. My ex would forbide me from associating people who weren't like 'us', no kids, not married, etc.

Fast forward quite a few years, when my ex became my ex. Some people who distanced themselves from me simply got a e-mail or note saying I had moved, here is my new contact information, oh by the way I changed my name (subtle way of telling them I'm divorced) contact me if you wish.

That was it.

I didn't chase people down to be my friends. With the aid or therapy I dont' unload my life issues on people, it isn't fair to them.

I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty, just saying, she may just want to be polite on her side too.

She may just want work contacts, hard to say.

It is your choice, good luck with it.

[emily_in_nc]

Thanks for all the thoughtful and kind replies, everyone. I really, really appreciate your taking the time. I would not normally solicit opinions on something like this since I almost always just follow my gut and do exactly what I want to do. The reason I asked here this time is because I truly do not know what I want to do.

I don't want to email her out of guilt, and at this point, I am afraid that is what it would be, as some said. Even though she's sweet and fun to be with, I don't really have the time/space/energy for anyone else in my life right now. Especially one who doesn't live close, doesn't cycle, and whom it would be a bit of a hassle to try to get together with. Since moving to Chapel Hill in June, we've made new friends in our apartment complex, even a nice couple who cycles too, and it's just a lot easier to spend time with them since they're right here.

I wouldn't ask my former co-workers to deliver a message to her; I surely don't want to put them in the middle of this. I know she's not actively pursuing me or stalking me in any way; she just happened to get put into a breakout group with these two guys I worked with really recently, so naturally my name came up since I was a mutual acquaintance, and we all used to work at the same company -- she left 20 years ago, though.

I do care about her, but probably not enough to contact her, as I am afraid that she'd try to re-kindle things, and whether she's with or without her awful DH, I don't really want that, for all the reasons I've already stated. If I were lonely, retired, or single with a lot more time on my hands, I'd probably get back in touch, but I'm none of those, and I also value my alone time, being an introvert by nature, so I really do try not to spread myself too thin or over-schedule.

So, I guess after thinking this over, reading all your responses, and writing out my thoughts, I'm more inclined to just let this one lie. I honestly don't think she'll make contact again if I don't email her now. (Side note: I am also not on Facebook, feeling pretty much like badger about it; otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me long ago because I checked, and she is.)

I just hope I can deal with the guilt. I have a very over-developed sense of guilt!

Thanks all...you're the best.

[Irulan]

guilt is what to feel when you have done something wrong. Which imsho, you haven't. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself.

[Brandi]

Best to let it alone and cherish the memory of the friendship you had. I became friends with a friend from years ago and it ended on a very strange note. Now I wish i had never rekindled it.

[tulip]

I removed myself from Facebook after an old friend found me. Well, that and all the security breaches and the fact that I wasn't getting anything positive from spending hours being a voyeuse.

This friend and I had had a falling out decades ago in college. Her life is completely different than mine, and I'm fairly certain we would have nothing in common to talk about these days. I just didn't see the point of rekindling that. Like Brandi said, I cherish the memories of when we were friends. That was then. This is now. I choose to look forward.