He died, the family is fighting, need advice

[Dogmama]

I need some advice from people who don't know the characters in this sad play.

An older gentleman (80) recently passed. He and his wife were good friends for the last 20 years - although they had distanced during the last 3 years. He had Alzheimers and she became very difficult to be with (she has always been difficult with a sharp tongue and general "me me me" attitude.) He had several hospital episodes & it wasn't unusual for the paramedics to come get him and for him to take a cab home. Stuff like that. She's pretty self absorbed.

He has five kids all scattered around the U.S. They hate his wife, but pretended to tolerate her so that they can see him. Now, he's dead. Gloves have come off. Funeral was lots of back stabbing, angry phone calls to my DH & myself, etc.

Last week, she put him in his niche. Family found out & went nuts because they hadn't been invited & didn't know it was happening. I don't know why she didn't do it during the funeral - but she didn't. Only four other people were there, including me.

I took pictures of the niche & surrounding area. It's really very nice & I thought it might help put the kids in a better space. DH thinks I should not email the pictures - that I should stay out of it. If I asked the wife if I should send them, she would say absolutely not - f*k them because of the way they are treating her (it goes both ways, believe me.) My feeling is - this was their dad & they deserve to know. Plus, as I said, it's a nice place with big trees, green grass, etc.

Opinions? Email the pictures or stay out of it? I really don't want to get embroiled in this soap opera - but I feel badly for the "kids" (ages 38 to 51 years old.) I know if I do, she'll be royally p.o.'d at me. I really don't care - but I don't want to stir the pot either.

Help!

[indysteel]

Stay out of it. You could well be wrong that getting the photos will put the kids in the better place. Remember you--a person outside the family--were one of only four people invited; that might sting to them.

[shootingstar]

Best to stay out for a long time.

If you personally meet one of the children face to face several years from now, you can offer discreetly a pic or 2. His wife doesn't need to know. These are adult children.

Have to let the anger die down for now.

[OakLeaf]

+1 on staying out ... with one exception: if the rest of the family doesn't know where the niche is, then I would tell them. I think they have the right to know that. And you're not so much connected to that bit of information, as you would be to actual pictures.

If they want pictures, they can take their own; if they want to visit his niche and remember their father individually or together, they can do that, too.

[uforgot]

Stay out of it.

[Catrin]

Run, run some more, and then run like hell..

[Crankin]

Niche?

[Zen]

Let some time pass, maybe then.
I know you won't forget about this.
How sad.

[channlluv]

I think Oakleaf has it right. Just let them know - discreetly - where the niche is and they can go take their own pictures or hold a private service for themselves, without the wife.

I'm just curious, but what is your relationship to this couple? And is she the natural mother or a stepmother to the kids? Is she also in her 80s?

Roxy

[Chicken Little]

Stay out of it, move if you have to.

[Zen]

is she the natural mother or a stepmother to the kids? Is she also in her 80s?

Roxy

good questions

[OakLeaf]

Niche?

In a communal wall or chamber of cremated remains.

[Dogmama]

I think Oakleaf has it right. Just let them know - discreetly - where the niche is and they can go take their own pictures or hold a private service for themselves, without the wife.

I'm just curious, but what is your relationship to this couple? And is she the natural mother or a stepmother to the kids? Is she also in her 80s?

Roxy

She is the stepmother to the five kids and is 78 years old. She was also (we learned recently) the "other woman" who dated Dan whilst he was married with five kids, youngest 7 years old. Nasty divorce and the kids have always blamed her, but their father made it clear that if they (the kids) wished to be part of his life, they must accept the stepmother. We never knew that until recently.

DH became good friends with Dan through a mutual friend. I liked Dan and tolerated Cindy. We've known them for 20 years and as they've grown older, we've helped them with things around their house, rides to the doctors, etc. But, the past several years they've become quite reclusive and unwilling to share what was going on.

I "got" that I need to leave this alone and I will. They all know the cemetery where the niche is. If they wanted to, they could certainly come out & view it/have a ceremony/whatever.

I really appreciate everybody's responses!!!

[Cataboo]

Hrm. If it were my father, I'd appreciate pictures of him being put in the niche. Even if I was pissed that it was done without me. They already know that it was done without them and they're already pissed about it.

If you have their addresses, you could just mail them hard copies of the pictures without a return address or name with a short 'Just thought you might want to have these'

[Dogmama]

They know who attended - only five of us - and they know I'm the only one who would do that. So, it wouldn't be anonymous.

I guess there are problems about the death certificate - they want to see it & she won't give them a copy. It isn't public info in AZ. I suspect they want to know if the cause of death showed any kind of neglect on her part. When he got to the hospital, his fingernails were about an inch long, toenails about two inches (couldn't possibly wear shoes), was unbathed & generally in really bad shape. She had isolated him for the past several years, driving away his friends with her mouth. The whole thing is really sad and his children are not happy at all with her actions.

But, I'm really staying completely out of it. DH and I were probably their closest friends, and we had no idea. Apparently, he had several trips to the hospital that she never told us about, etc.