Insulting compliments

[lauraelmore1033]

Ever get those?
Did the Apple Century over the weekend, and was so proud of the fact that DH and I were cookin' right along, passing people right and left (well, really only on the left, but you know what I mean...) and made quite an improvement on our previous performance. We kept leap-frogging back and forth with a certain pace line for most of the ride--mainly because they kept having flats and/or other mechanical issues. After the ride, as I was lying in a heap digesting a surprisingly delicious burger, the lone woman from the group came up to gush on about how impressed she was with me. I was totally eating it up until she asked if this was my first century! Why would you assume that? This happens to be my third season of doing not only centuries, but double centuries! I guess I'm just too sensitive, because it totally killed my buzz.

[Biciclista]

maybe she never saw you before? and maybe it was HER first century and wanted to commiserate with someone. I did that ride on a tandem too. It was SO FUN!!!

PS i don't see the insult.

[Crankin]

I would take that as an insult, too. It's a veiled way of saying, "Oh, you did well for a first timer," when she had no idea of how many times you had done the ride.
This is why I don't ride with any groups except the one I ride with, because they are older, have all "been there, done that," and accept everyone at whatever level they are at.

[tulip]

I wouldn't let one person's comment dampen your whole effort and day. Goodness, it was only one person. I don't see the insult in the comment, but that doesn't matter because you do. But regardless, why let one perceived slight ruin all that you accomplished?

Congratulations. It sounds like a great day.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I don't see that as an insult either, just friendly chat...but oh well.

Be glad she didn't ask you if it was your last century!

[Owlie]

That sounds like something I would have said as a means of trying to make conversation. I can see how it could be an insult, if it was meant that way. Of course, it depends on how it was said.

[Trek420]

We kept leap-frogging back and forth with a certain pace line for most of the ride--mainly because they kept having flats and/or other mechanical issues.

Sometimes stuff just happens, flats mechanicals etc But first or four hundred and first you maintained your speed and your bike. I think it was the great Eddy M. who said "you're faster going than not going" and you went fast and with nothing that landed you by the side of the road.

It sounds like something you say when you don't know what else to say and a whole group has been chasing a rabbit .... that rabbit being you ... for a 100 miles.

I'd take it as a compliment.

[lauraelmore1033]

Sometimes stuff just happens, flats mechanicals etc But first or four hundred and first you maintained your speed and your bike. I think it was the great Eddy M. who said "you're faster going than not going" and you went fast and with nothing that landed you by the side of the road.

It sounds like something you say when you don't know what else to say and a whole group has been chasing a rabbit .... that rabbit being you ... for a 100 miles.

I'd take it as a compliment.

Garsh what a wonderful sentiment!
That puts it into a different perspective, doesn't it. (although, I will concede that I was probably being a little too sensitive...)

Thanks for all the input!

[malaholic]

Yeah, I tend to agree with the other ladies - since everything else she was saying seemed to be complimentary, the "first century" question probably was not meant in a condescending way.

I appreciate hearing your perspective on this though....because a question like that is exactly the sort of question I might ask someone on a ride, and it's good for me to realize that it might not always be taken that way! I am forever sticking my foot in my mouth saying things that are easily taken in a way I didn't mean them, and I'm really trying to work on that.

Maybe a better question to start a chat would be something more along the lines of "have you done this ride before?" instead of "is this your first century?"

[lph]

You know, I would have been miffed too, at being taken for a beginner when I felt that I'd really achieved something and made a noticeable improvement. That said, it was obviously not meant as an insult, and probably just fell out of her mouth as casual conversation. And definitely, if ishe is a beginner herself it's a natural thing to say because it's what she's all aglow about herself.

I'll add one: my favourite "insulting compliment" came from an middle-aged gentleman a few years ago who asked me and a (girl)friend of mine, as we arrived at a parking lot on skis out of the mountains with sleds and camping gear, if we'd "really been out there all alone"

i.e. without any men

[NW_Meg]

Years ago I was riding RAMROD - by far my biggest feat at that time! I trained alone & rode alone - and even though I'm a slow, solid, back-of-the-packer, I was so proud to be cruising along ("cruising" may be a generous term for me on those steep climbs). But the point is I felt invincible & full of joy... until.... two men rode past at a nice clip and one leaned in and said "Good job, lady."

In hindsight I am sure he meant to be supportive & encouraging - nothing else. But that day I heard "I can't believe you're still upright given how slow you're pedaling, you foolish old broad. Boy will I be shocked to see you at the finish line." I was hurt, insulted, embarrassed.

Even now my blood starts to curdle when I think of it. I get over it by enumerating in my mind the endless number of dumbass things I've surely muttered over the years when I meant to be kind, supportive & encouraging.

Frankly, I think you're a ROCK STAR for riding the Apple Century. I did it once and the headwinds nearly killed me!!!!!

[Crankin]

I guess I am very sensitive. No, let's say I know I am sensitive. Even though I say I am not competitive, I hate it when it's "in my face" that someone is a better rider, even though I don't necessarily have the desire to put in the time or training to get faster. It just kind of reminds me of my limitations, which I don't like. I try and put it in perspective and think about my friends who are not active at all; they think I'm an Ironwoman.
I find that women often give more of these veiled compliments than men, although, I have had a couple of comments like NW_Meg received, on hard rides.
I even feel this way when I ride with DH and he might charge up a small hill ahead of me. I am a pretty good climber for an old lady, but I know I will never be able to do what he does. It's not that I sit around all day thinking about this, but secretly, I think I would like to be like all these strong, fast people, but I just started too late in life.

[colby]

I have to be careful with this one, because I've done this myself (meant well as I compliment another rider in passing). I've started to think about these same "words of encouragement" being taken as condescending to the person hearing them. Often they come at a time of struggle - riding a hill, later miles of a long ride, during/after a hard ride/race - which means the person hearing them might not be hearing them as words of encouragement either, considering you are PASSING them at such a time.

I try to assume when someone says something to me that they mean well, but it is still hard not to hear "great job, but I'm still better than you" when someone passes and says "great job". I also tend to think about whether I'm the person that looks like I need help and encouragement in order to make it. I just have to remind myself to stay positive... and when I pass them back I will say "great job" right back. I also try to keep my compliments to myself more now, because I am afraid of how they will be construed, unless I can have a whole conversation with someone - something like "I've been chasing you all day, you're a really strong climber, it's only downhill and on the flats that I can catch up, must be all that momentum I get from my fat ***"

[GLC1968]

I am sooo sensitive to this, myself. I try not to take things personally, and on the outside, that's how I behave...but inside I might be seething!

A big part of it comes from never truly LOOKING the part. Even when I was at my fitest, I was still bigger than most other athletes and people who didn't know me tended to treat me as a newbie. I always HATED joining a new gym (still do) and listening to all the drivel about needing 3 sessions with a personal trainer to set up a beginner program....for pete's sake - I've been lifting for the past decade (even if I don't look like it)...I don't need an introduction to the machines! And no, it's not just that they say this to everyone because my husband was right next to me and they had the balls to say to him "you look like you know your way around a gym, we can skip the sessions if you'd like". Seriously? I have more weight lifting knowledge than he does! (It happens with us all the time because he looks fit and I don't...even if I am)

Ok, sorry about the tangent. Clearly this hits a nerve with me.

What I came in here to say was that I tend to make comments to other runners or bikers that I pass that are more centered on shared misery or shared joy. Like - "wow, great view from up here, huh?" Or "ugh, is this hill over yet?". Even if I'm passing them (exceedingly rare on a run!), I'm probably struggling too! I just don't feel right saying "good job" when I've been in their shoes and that 'good job' made me feel the need to say back 'no really, I know I'm slow...it's not a good job...it's only a mediocre job at best!'.

[lauraelmore1033]

So many of you hit it right on the head with your comments and expressed exactly what I was feeling! Now I do feel better. I will always hear, "nice job, fat lady, but I'm still faster than you", and I should really just learn to take these comments as they were intended. and too, I should remember that when I offer words of encouragement to someone else, it is often something I need to hear myself.
Dh, who is a much faster climber than I am, also found himself exasperated by well meaning words of encouragement on the same ride. He would get way ahead on the climb, and as he was waiting paitiently for me, people descending would say, "you're almost there, don't give up yet!". He told me that he was going to throw a rock at the next person who told him not to give up!

Oh, that health club thing drives me crazy, GLC!