Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[bmccasland]

For some reason, known only to Mummy Dearest, has decided to rehash issues from my childhood.... Mom was clinically depressed most of my life, and as most of us know, pharmaceuticals 40 years ago aren't what they are now.

Last fall she sent something, and I responded, in writing. She sent another letter, which I didn't answer after talking things over with my litter sister. Shredded the letter. Mom has never asked me anything directly.

So earlier this week, I get a note in my mailbox about a certified letter from my mother. I have to go to the Post Office to retrieve it, I can't sign the note and have my mailman deliver it the next day. Kind of tough when one works full time. So today I was talking to my Mom, and she said she's sent me a couple of letters that I haven't answered, and she wants answers. Since I've only received one, I asked if that's what's the certified letter is about - that she went to a lot of trouble and expense to send a letter that is difficult for me to retrieve. She gets coy, and says I'll just have to get it to find out.

What if I don't want to play her game? I'm considering three options....
1. Do nothing, wait out the 15 days, and the certified letter will be sent back.
2. Call her and tell her that I don't want to play the silly mail game, and if she has a direct question, why can't she just ask it? (she doesn't do well with direct confrontation at all)
3. Collect the letter, and send it to her therapist - but I'll need my sister to supply the name.

So great wisdom of TE what do you think???

How does one deal with someone who was unhappy most of your life? I'd love to tell her "not now I don't have time, and get out of my hair" but I highly doubt she'll get the reference.

[KnottedYet]

Been somewhere similar, faced something similar, wish I could have gotten a t-shirt out of the deal...

It boiled down to "play her game or live my life" for me.

If she needs to be coy and send certified letters to someone she speaks to on the phone to fully engage in her world, and if you want to engage with her within her world, then take time off work and go get the letter.

If you'd rather live in your world and make her engage with you in it, then don't. You already talk on the phone, so it's not like you are cutting off communication.

Whose mental health do you want to nourish? If hers is a special project for you, devote yourself to it. If your health is your project, don't work within a convoluted mindset with someone whose goals may be very different than your own.

(And don't forget the legal aspect. If there is some legal issue waiting in that letter, it could get ugly.)

Good luck. Remember what they say in the airplane safety demo: put your own oxygen mask on first, then assist those around you. You are useless at helping anyone if you yourself are already suffocating.

It's harsh, but sometimes we are forced to make these choices.

[Cataboo]

I'm sorry about your mother

How do I deal with someone who has been unhappy for most of my life? There are people that I've cut out of my life that are that way - I feel vaguely guilty about it, but I really don't have the emotional energy to deal with people that cause their own drama and/or misery when I have other family members that do have serious life-threatening medical problems that I have to help with. But, it is your mother and if you're not comfortable with just cutting her out of your life... I'd just say do your best not to get dragged into her drama or games (I realize that depression is a serious medical problem, so I really don't mean to minimize it by calling it drama)


If you really can't get off work easily to go get the letter, just tell your mother that, and tell her to mail you the letter non-certified when she gets it back after the 15 day period and you'll call her to talk it over with her. And you can send a copy to her therapist if you think it's warranted when you read it. That way you're not giving into her game, but are still at least being open to whatever dialog she's looking for.

[shootingstar]

See if you can get letter. If can't she can resend it.

Meanwhile your phone line should be open, unless she starts phoning at inconvenient hrs.

This sounds like a situation that might take several months, if not several years to change communication patterns. Hold your line firmly but find ways to express your love (because she's your mother. That's just reality.) that she can recognize immediately and is acceptable to both of you, without burning yourself out.

[lph]

hm. It sort of depends what she's asking. If she has a complicated, maybe upsetting to her, situation to explain, and then a question to ask that requires some thought to answer, I can understand her wanting to do it by letter. Not to be coy or manipulative, but just because some things are easier to do in writing. I find it especially hard to discuss complex emotions on the phone, because I feel that I'm only catching a fraction of what the person is trying to express when I can't see them.

On the other hand, she has to accept that by sending stuff certified (what's up with that, anyway?) in the mail she has to wait until you have the time and inclination to do something about it. She can't expect you to hop to it just because this is important to her right now.

I have a family full of people like this...

[redrhodie]

(((B))) I don't have anything to add, but I know it's hard dealing with a depressed person. Take care of yourself, and do what's best for you.

[MartianDestiny]

Knotted and Catriona said it well.

Put your well-being first then decide how much you want to deal with/help her with hers and on what terms. Much of how you respond to this depends on your own personal circumstances and relationship.

If it were *me* and my mother sent me certified mail, I'd talk to a lawyer about the implications of accepting it vs. leaving it there. I'd WANT to ignore it, potential legal issues aside. Doesn't sound like your relationship is as bad off as my is however.

Shootingstar, sorry to bust your bubble, but love is not "just reality". My mother and I have not spoken in something like 7 years, she's been 90% or more out of my life since I was 12. I'm almost certain there is some undiagnosed mental issues playing into this on her part, but she's never sought help, so I can't work within those parameters. I don't love her; I don't even know her. My only emotional attachments to her are the scars and issues she left me with. My dog, my father, my stepmother sure, I love them, but not someone that I haven't seen or heard from in 7+ years and who did a darn good job of screwing up my life and emotional well being before then.

It's not a given, and a lot of what will determine bmc's decision is how far down that road of un-attachment she is and whether or not she wants to be there.

I tried for quite a few years before realizing that I could continue trying to love my mother despite everything or be a stable, sane person and that those two objectives were unfortunately mutually exclusive. Most of those years of trying were more out of feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I didn't love my mother than out of love in the end; though I didn't see that at the time.

[OakLeaf]

((((((Beth)))))) This all hits a little too close to home for me to have anything useful to offer you.

But let me offer this: People whose issues with their parents are minimal, won't have anything useful from their own experience to offer you. People whose issues with their parents are significant, will have too much of an overlay from their own experience to have anything useful to offer you.

My sympathy and support go out to you. But on a practical level, unfortunately, I think you need to either find the answer in your own heart or talk to a professional.

[shootingstar]

Shootingstar, sorry to bust your bubble, but love is not "just reality". My mother and I have not spoken in something like 7 years, she's been 90% or more out of my life since I was 12. I'm almost certain there is some undiagnosed mental issues playing into this on her part, but she's never sought help, so I can't work within those parameters. I don't love her; I don't even know her. My only emotional attachments to her are the scars and issues she left me with. My dog, my father, my stepmother sure, I love them, but not someone that I haven't seen or heard from in 7+ years and who did a darn good job of screwing up my life and emotional well being before then.

It's not a given, and a lot of what will determine bmc's decision is how far down that road of un-attachment she is and whether or not she wants to be there.

I tried for quite a few years before realizing that I could continue trying to love my mother despite everything or be a stable, sane person and that those two objectives were unfortunately mutually exclusive. Most of those years of trying were more out of feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I didn't love my mother than out of love in the end; though I didn't see that at the time.

Sorry to hear this Martiandestiny.

We literally have a minimal language base with our mother..meaning we have lost so much Chinese fluency that it can be difficult to communicate complicated issues and feelings ...by phone or in person. However it has taken several years to figure out what expressions of love works between her and each of us.

She phoned me a few weeks ago to wish me happy birthday. She said this in English to me..because we never learned what the Chinese version. I thanked her but said in such a way..was to thank her..for bringing me into this world. I really meant what I felt and said. And I really think she did phone me to wish me well.

So very simple words can have big, deep meanings in some family conversations.

[Selkie]

B - It sounds like your mom has had a long term, serious mental health issue (my mom suffered w/one her entire adulthood so I understand the road you've been down and what you're facing now...). This isn't a communication issue and you have absolutely no obligation to accept the letter, let alone read it. I agree with Knott and Cat---you have to do what's right for you first and foremost. Your well being is the most important thing. Trust your instincts about this.

[Flybye]

Here might be a possibility.

1. Tell her that you aren't going to play the games. You will let the letter be returned to her. If she would like to mail it back to you regular mail, then you will open it. You will open it only under the following condition: that she ASK you directly the question that is in the letter before you open it. Then you will be allowed a full week to consider your answer. If the question in the letter is different than the question she gives you over the phone, then you will have the option of doing ______ . (Whatever you feel necessary). (Might be sending the letter to her therapist).
2. You will not accept letters from her in the future. They will be unopened whether sent registered mail or regular mail.

As for sending the letters to her therapist, there is the possibility that she worked with her therapist to write the letters.

Sorry

[TrekTheKaty]

I also have a difficult family dynamic. My stepmother (who raised me) is "nuts." Both myself, my half-sister and her three other children have "divorced" her. We don't answer phone calls or letters. It's for my own mental health. She is mentally abusive. She has spent her whole life making everyone around her miserable, so I no longer care about her feelings. It's the best thing. It took my half-sister almost 50 years to cut her out. I did it at 25 and never looked back. It's not the only family member I have turned my back on, but I believe in honesty and don't have time for the drama and games. There is guilt. Only you can decide when enough is enough.

And I only send certified letters when I want legal proof someone received my correspondence, so I have to ask "What the f@#$?" (sorry).

[Biciclista]

yeah, don't stress about that letter. If she wants you to read it; let her send it to you regular mail. Life is much too short. What Cat and Knot said.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother as well. Now her husband is dying and it's like dancing on a melting dance floor while holding little glasses of champagne in one hand. It's really really tough. But you do have to take care of YOU first.
To thine own self be true. What's the point of missing work to get a letter that's just going to make you feel worse?

[Tuckervill]

I have boundary issues with my mother. As in, I have to set them or she manipulates me and punishes me for having a normal loving relationship with my father (they've been divorced for 27 years!).

When we have a conflict, I have to constantly implore her to stay on topic, instead of talking about how we're talking about the topic. Over the years I've learned to boil it down to the "issue" at hand, and cut off the conversation when the boundary is crossed. She doesn't learn very fast. I have to reset the boundary over and over. I try to do it politely, but sometimes I have to hang up on her or leave her house. I try not to leave in a huff, and tell her I love her before I go.

If my mother sent me letters explaining one of "our issues" to me, along with all the meta-discussion and accusations, I would try really hard to see through it to what the issue is. I'd do this because I love my mother, even though our relationship is difficult, and I want to go to my grave with a clear conscience. I would accept a certified letter, because if there was something she really wanted to tell me and she couldn't do it in person for whatever reason, I'd want to know what it is. If it was just a general rant about the same old stuff, I wouldn't get the next one. To be fair, I'd tell her face-to-face that I wouldn't be getting the next one.

Looks like you're on letter #3 that you have chosen not to engage her with, so it would be nice of you to tell her that you're not going to get the letter, and tell her what she could do to get her message across. I don't think it's fair that you didn't acknowledge the second letter and just shredded it. Even if the response is "Mom, I have no response to that."

It's stories like this that I hope are keeping me from being a crazy mom, too. Even though I too have had serious depression, I hope my kids never feel the need to cut me off.

Karen

[salsabike]

But let me offer this: People whose issues with their parents are minimal, won't have anything useful from their own experience to offer you. People whose issues with their parents are significant, will have too much of an overlay from their own experience to have anything useful to offer you.

My sympathy and support go out to you. But on a practical level, unfortunately, I think you need to either find the answer in your own heart or talk to a professional.

I think these are words of wisdom.