Family... feh

[roadie gal]

This is long, but I just need to vent. I'm really upset.

My next-younger sister has breast cancer. She's been battling it for 11 years. She did great the first 5, but has done a long, slow, painful slide since then. She's been on and off chemo, went out of the country 2 summers ago for some experimental treatments that nearly killed her, has maxed out radiation therapy, and is now on a new chemo regimen. But she's slowly getting worse. She's got diffuse mets. She has no energy and can't work. She's gotten impossibly skinny. She's still up and around and does some stuff, but it's a chore.

Last week I flew out to see her and spend a few days with her. I thought we had a really nice time. I drove her around. We went out to eat. We went shopping. I took her to her dentist appointment. Basically we got to spend 5 days together without the rest of our large, loud, in your face family. It's the first time in a while and I really enjoyed it.


We had what I thought were some very good talks, too. My family knows that I don't sugar coat things. If they ask me a question they're going to get a straight answer. I try to say things in a manner that isn't harsh, but they're going to get what I think. So, when my sister asked me about continuing chemo, which the docs don't think is working, I told her it was up to her, but it depends on how she feels. I also told her that I would have quit long ago. I DIDN'T say that she should quit.

I got home on Friday. Last night I get an email from her saying that I made her feel like her life wasn't worthwhile and that she was very depressed.

WTF??????

I have no idea where that came from or what I could have possibly said. I'm really upset. I thought we had the nicest time together. I can't even call her this morning. She got on a plane to go visit our other sister (who's basically her cheering section, but that's another story) and is unavailable until later today.

Should I have just said, "You'll be fine"?

I just want to cry...

[Grog]

I'm really sorry about what's happening to your sister, Roadie Gal. It's a tough, tough time.

But the short of it is:

Should I have just said, "You'll be fine"?

Sort of, yes.

Sometimes people ask for advice but they don't really want it. They're more like looking for a sounding board for their thoughts, and for someone to walk them through their own thought process. You and I can speak our souls to each other about this, but what your opinion is does not really matter when you're with her (again: despite the fact that she is asking you for it). She's the one who's facing the pain, the fear, and ultimately death right now. I don't think anyone can really put themselves in her shoes, even someone who's been there. It's pretty personal. You can hug her, you can comfort her, you can ask her questions about how she feels (EDITED TO ADD: without telling her how you think she feels) and everything... (ETA: I know you didn't tell her what she should do or not, but that's probably what she understood when you said what you would have done.)

She's also going to hear things that you don't say, because your voice is just one voice in her head right now. Of course I don't mean that she's hearing voices, but rather that it's very busy in there with her own thinking and also with all these other people she's talking to (doctors, other relatives, friends, other people she knew who had a similar condition and lived or died, etc.). Even if you're carefully wording things... she is pretty likely to perceive things differently than you intended them.

This is a really tough situation that I wouldn't want to be in. My brother and my father have had cancer but thankfully they're both over it. It's not a pretty place to be in for her, but it's very difficult for you too. But for the sake of her please be understanding and positive.

Good luck.

[indigoiis]

I'm really sorry about your sister.
I think she must be out of her head with emotions right now, and just took what you said the wrong way.
You are a good person and a good sister. I would call right away and as lovingly as possible clear the air and tell her she misunderstood you.

[Biciclista]

what Indigo said.
"You misunderstood me! I think you are brave and awesome. I don't know where you get the courage..." blablabla.

there's time to repair. It can't be easy to be young and dying.

[smilingcat]

Agree with Grog, Indogo and Mimi.

Sometimes, especially in times of no hope, what you want to hear is a voice from the cheering section. Nevermind about the cold hard fact. Mimi's comment is so spot on

I think you are brave and awesome. I don't know where you get the courage...

The question your sister asked was actually a cry for wanting support and not a question on whether to continue or not.

When you have a chance to talk to her and do it today is to tell her something like "I'm really sorry that you mis-understood me. Or maybe I didn't say the pretext of when I said no. I said in context of what if it was me. I'm just not as strong or as brave as you. So I am really sorry that it came out all wrong."

Just remeber, when you have a talk with her, she wasn't the one who mis-understood you. It was you who said it wrong. Take the fault yourself even if it wasn't the case. She's in lots of hurt and doesn't need any more guilt heaped on her. Sometimes, best support one can give is to take the blame, fault, or being the bad person. In the end, will it make you the bad person? no. Will you life change for the worse? no.

I'm dealing right now with my Alzeheimer father, with mother who just wants to complain and sister whos gone ... well... so it goes. And I'm the bad person, being the older sister and the responsible one. Yup I'm the meanie and the rotten heartless person. At least, my mother and sister can vent until they are satisfied and feel good.

I know you care very much and you are hurting too. That's why you are crying. We all do. I can truely sympethize with your hurt feeling and the anger. So dry the tears off, put yourself in your sister's shoes and think of what you are going to say. And think of what would make you feel better when you get a call from your sister.

Wish you lots of courage and patience,
Smilingcat

[shootingstar]

After knowing 2 of my different brothers-in-law who each lost their brothers (1 from drug overdose/similar at 26 & the other from cancer of the throat at 40), to say somehow to a very ill sibling: I'm your friend....for LIFE. I want you to know this.. And just stick around for her more frequently.

By now, you might have made the phone call, roadie gal.

[alpinerabbit]

I got home on Friday. Last night I get an email from her saying that I made her feel like her life wasn't worthwhile and that she was very depressed.

Should I have just said, "You'll be fine"?

I just want to cry...

She probably already is depressed and this just needed out. Deep down I agree with you, it was the right thing to say, as it was realistic. It's a long and arduous path towards acceptance. An acquaintance is in total denial right now and lucky I don't have the obligation I'd have if I was family. I couldn't lie or sugar coat my opinion either. I'm a bad liar.

I hope you can talk it over, and the best thing would be in person.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I got home on Friday. Last night I get an email from her saying that I made her feel like her life wasn't worthwhile and that she was very depressed.

WTF??????

Could be what she meant was that the things you said made her think about whether her life was still worth living, and of course that is incredibly depressing to think about. I wouldn't assume that you made her feel that.
People in her situation are a huge mess of mixed feelings. I'd be willing to bet she felt some relief in being able to confide in you about how truly hopeless she feels. She has been through hell and back. Tell her how you feel right now, and let her know that anything she wants to talk to you about is ok.

[MM_QFC!]

I agree with the sensitive caring suggestions that you've already received and I'd add a gentle suggestion to consider rewording the: "YOU misunderstood me" emphasis, as it may not ease the situation nor improve the communication.
If you, instead, voiced the responsibility or just acknowledged and apologized for some mixed up communication, such as "I really feel badly about this too, as I don't think that, nor did I mean to have you think that I think it, so I'm very sorry; then, move on to the caring, supportive, loving thoughts and messages that you DO want her to hear and hold onto...just my $.02, as I've been there.
IMHO, it's always better to stay off the "you" emphasis, even if you mean well, as it may well infer blame and prolong the negative; focus on your own contribution to whatever set up the less than desirable situation and move on to more positive, loving communications.

[roadie gal]

Thanks for the replies and the good wishes for my sister. I haven't been able to get through to her yet today.

I was totally floored by her email to me this morning. It came out of nowhere. But after thinking about it a while I came to the same conclusions that you all have said to me. She's hurting and already depressed and needed a cheerleader rather than a rational answer. Even though she knows how I am she asked me some questions that she really didn't want the answer to. I guess I should have known that, but I don't know that I would answer any differently in the future. When I do get to speak to her sometime today I'll put the blame on me and try to get her to talk more about it.

She and I are so different. I forget that, despite how much I love her, we are almost from 2 different planets, and the communication gets garbled as it travels back and forth.

[MM_QFC!]

Yes, I'm sure it was a shock and you've got your own emotions and reaction to manage. Please know, though, that I wasn't suggesting that you flog yourself with blame or dwell on the miscommunication/misunderstanding, etc; IMHO (again), it'll help to move beyond this to what your sister needs from you/what you can give her and enjoy all that you can with and for each other.

[short cut sally]

RG, sorry to hear about your sister. Her emotions must be awhirl and she may have misheard you or took what you said the wrong the wrong way. Please clarify it with her asap. Best wishes for your sister and your relationship with her..

[smilingcat]

Hi Mary,

Thank you. I was flailing on what I wanted to say and you said it exactly. You have a wonderful way of explaining a difficult situation.

smilingcat

[roadie gal]

I finally caught up with her late in the afternoon.

The first thing she did was apologize to me. It was nothing I said, or did. The problem was that, after I left, she started to compare our lives and it got her down. She wasn't angry at me, per se, but she was jealous of my job and my health. So she lashed out. By the time she got off the plane in Florida, she'd had time to think it through and realized that I hadn't done anything and her anger was misplaced.

I let her know I understood, which I really do. Sometimes it just isn't fair and you just get angry, even if the target isn't the cause of the anger. I also told her that I'd never say anything to hurt her. I reinforced how well she's doing - she's travelling, she's taking her art classes, she's still ALIVE.

I'm so happy we worked it out. Thank you all.

[Veronica]

I'm so glad it worked out.

Veronica