Egos and Lack of Preparation

[Deborajen]

DH headed out on a bike ride to a lake 25 miles away today. It's already in the mid 90's outside - forecast to get up to around 100 degrees. He's 51 years old, a little bit overweight, and he hasn't ridden much this year (longest ride was maybe 35 miles a month ago; otherwise a couple of 25 milers and a few rides to and from work at 6 miles each way). Otherwise, he plays some golf but not much else in the way of exercise. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea going that far and in that kind of heat when he isn't used to the distance or the temperature but of course he said, "I'll be fine. I'm taking plenty of ice water, and I've done 50 miles before" (a year ago). His dad died of a heart attack at age 55 and his younger brother had a heart attack when he was 40 (he did survive). His brother, who's a doctor, has been trying to get him to have some tests done, exercise regularly but in moderation, eat right, etc., but DH instantly goes deaf at those discussions and argues that it's all "paranoia."

OK, I know men don't get along well with the subject of immortality, but most of us realize there's a huge space between "paranoia" and "common sense." I always thought that building up physical activity gradually was common sense for everyone, but DH has a long history of taking on big things without preparing. He's gone on a 2-week campout with our son's Boy Scout troop to the Philmont Ranch in New Mexico (lots of mountain hikes with big backpacks) and he did very little to prepare - the other troop that was with them got really angry with him for not being able to keep up. He always just says he's "athletic" and he'll "be fine" and leaves it at that. And when he doesn't keep up, well, it's "the equipment" or "the weather got to him" - whatever.

Frankly, I'm getting scared. We've been married 23 years, and I've known of other women whose husbands do the macho thing of trying to do a sport or something they haven't done in years, but they usually end up regretting it and take the hint to grow up a little. My husband, though, always seems to go from couch to a long bike ride, etc., without so much as a sore muscle the next day. To make things worse, he's a smoker.

He just called - he's at the lake, so 25 miles back home now. At least he called --

I'm not a nag, I'm not "paranoid," but this is hard to watch. I'm glad he's active, but how about building up to it and not taking on too much? Any words of wisdom?

If not, thanks for letting me vent.

Deb

[LBTC]

DJ - sending butterflies to him right now so he has a safe return, and to you to feel calm and trusting of the universe. It's so difficult to be worried about someone you love and have them not listen.

Do you ride? Do you two ride together? Can you fit it into your schedules so you can ride with him on shorter rides more often - maybe do the gradual build up together as an activity, and not even mention what your goal is? Have you talked to him about your concern? It's possible that a loving DH may ignore all the advice in the world from his family, but when his beautiful wife tells him she doesn't want to be a widow, it may melt his defences and you might talk him into having some tests just to reassure you.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[mimitabby]

wow. Is he riding with other people? maybe you guys should join a riding club/group. People learn from each other; maybe it will help?

[Mr. Bloom]

Deb,

The problem with men is that we remember our abilities at the "high water mark" of our twenties.

It's not that we can't face our mortality...it's our decay that we can't face. The more people confront us with issues of decay and mortality, the more we tune them out.

Work in unison with his brother to encourage him to get tested.

For me, the first wake-up call came when I didn't qualify for the "preferred rate" on life insurance. No one said "you shouldn't do this", they simply said "you don't qualify for that rate anymore"...me? Not qualify? Well, I'll show you!!!

[Dogmama]

and his younger brother had a heart attack when he was 40 (he did survive). His brother, who's a doctor, has been trying to get him to have some tests done, exercise regularly but in moderation, eat right, etc., but DH instantly goes deaf at those discussions and argues that it's all "paranoia."

Deb

Deb, our husbands were separated at birth.

Here is the conversation I had with my husband:

"Honey, I know you think you're fine & doctors are a waste of time. You need to consider that you are not just messing around with your life - you're messing around with my life too. You are being selfish & here's why - I want to grow old together. I don't want to care for an invalid because he was too stubborn to take care of himself. Please get tested."

Lotsa luck. My DH is a colon cancer survivor and has a blockage in an artery. He keeps his oncologist appointments but blows off the cardiologist. And his father died early of heart problems.

Where's my bike...???

[Tuckervill]

I had basically the same conversation with my husband not too long ago, over a different kind of health issue. He has responded admirably, losing 40 lbs., working out religiously, and he even went on a club ride without me today!

It was heart-felt, not nagging, with tears and it was a very long conversation. Sometimes they need a picture painted before their eyes.

Karen

[LBTC]

DJ - is he home ? was his ride okay? is his recovery from the ride okay? That is, of course, the immediate concern....

When you're ready, let us know what your strategy is. Not only do we hope the best for you and your DH, I'm sure several of us would like to know how you make out with him and the conversation....

Hugs and healing, communicative butterflies,
~T~

[Deborajen]

Well, DH got back from his ride safe and sound. He's a little sunburned, but not the least bit sore -- go figure. I'm active but I'm always sore after doing something new. It keeps me from waaay overdoing it.

I tried going on shorter rides with him early in the spring and just told him I wasn't ready for a longer ride (which was true - although it had the added benefit of keeping him from taking off and going all out right from the start) but between weather, work and other stuff, we haven't gotten to ride together very often. He usually rides by himself - he doesn't like riding with me because I'm slower than he is. We have a good cycling club here but most of the group rides are really fast but, yes, I think a lot could be learned from a group.

He did go through treadmill testing in his late twenties after he developed an irregular heartbeat. His heartbeat evened out with exertion so the doctor told him it was probably due to too much caffeine and too little exercise. He's never come out and said it, but I've often gotten the impression that, between his dad's early death and just having the irregular heartbeat, he didn't expect to live a long life. (When we'd talk about funerals, life insurance, etc., he'd always talk as though it were a given that he'll go first.) So maybe he is more worried about "decaying" from what he used to be than of mortality.--

[Aggie_Ama]

Deborah- My husband is the same unnerving way. Not about ability, he is annoyingly a natural athlete and endurance isn't an issue. BUT he is only a medicine that weakens his immune system and was cautioned to clean any cuts well, avoid illness. So he works outside (plant nursery), comes home cut with dried blood. He says "I cleaned it but the bandage kept coming off". He also will not go to the doctor when he comes down with something. He also had his appendix rupture because he didn't want to go the emergency room and convinced me it was gas pain. Love him to death but some days I just shake my head to keep from smacking him upside his.

Glad you DH is okay. Sometimes what feels perfectly sensible in our minds isn't to others and vice versa.

[shootingstar]

Have to say that not all men are egotistical and lacking in planning.
Would submit the thought that most of us, women and men did do some stupid stuff initially, but learned the lesson later.

Depends if the person experienced near death or serious injury in their life PRIOR to cycling/a sport that they currently engage in. Once, one experiences that shock, it changes maybe..abit...one's own future attitude.

I don't worry about honey taking cycling risks. He is a careful cyclist.. probably because he nearly died when he was a child, then later he nearly escaped a serious disabling injury when pinned under his own farming equipment.

What I do worry at times, is his furious confrontations with dangerous drivers..etc. I see this often enough..it is the only time cycling ego gets out of place. some drivers just aren't worth the effort to speak with at great length.

[alpinerabbit]

DH headed out on a bike ride to a lake 25 miles away today. It's already in the mid 90's outside - forecast to get up to around 100 degrees. He's 51 years old, a little bit overweight, and he hasn't ridden much this year (longest ride was maybe 35 miles a month ago; otherwise a couple of 25 milers

Basically, the step up from 35 to 50 miles is not a problem. You'll have to do it sometime.
The heat might be, but if the hydration is right, no prob. Looks like he survived. Am I correct in assuming that where you live is kind of flattish?

I see where going-on-elderly men (like my dad at 66) are afraid of going to the doc. OTOH I see lots of sligtly-overweight-grandpas who will kill me on any mountain...

[Crankin]

Well, I would try to paint a picture of what life would be like for you if he died early....
My husband has always been active but has a genetic curse from both sides of his family (high bp, cardiac, strokes). He gained a bunch of weight about 12 years ago, and started cycling. All was well until he started having the classic shoulder and chest pain on rides. He found out he had high bp and cholesterol. He hadn't been for a physical in a long time. He went on meds, but the symptoms continued even though nothing was showing up on tests, including the nuclear stress test. Finally, when it got so bad that he couldn't climb as fast as me and he was in real pain, he had angioplasty, resulting in the discovery of 2 80% blockages. Luckily, he was fine after 2 stents, but if he had gone for physicals in his 20s and 30s and started medication and other lifestyle changes, it could have been avoided. Get him to a doctor!

[PscyclePath]

We guys get along very well with the subject of immortality, thank you, because we all share that gene; it's this mortality business that we have trouble coming to grips with.

One thing I did notice, though, was the idea of training. You do have to work up to being able to ride (or hike) a given distance with a given load, and fitness lapses the longer you're inactive or cut back your training regimen. Just because I rode a century this time last year doesn't mean I can do it again if I haven't touched my bike since Easter.

Joe Friel, the fellow who wrote The Cyclists Training Bible, has a similar book for those of us who have eased up to AARP age, Cycling Past 50. This might be a good deal for your DH, provided you can get him to read it and abide by it.

Friel teaches what he calls the 3 Cardinal Rules of Training:

1) Ride Regularly: Ride your bike often; at least three times a week, four times a week gives the greatest improvement in fitness. (You can ride five to seven times a week and will still improve, but not at as great a rate, and you run a risk of burn-out if you're not careful.) At least one of these rides needs to be a "long" ride of at least 90 minutes, extending time and/or distance as you gain fitness and work toward your goal, whether that be a century or a brevet...

2) Ride Moderately: Moderate riding is that level of training to which your body is already adapted, plus about 10 percent. For example, if the longest ride you've done this year is 25 miles, jumping immediately to a 50-mile ride isn't moderate. Another moderate change is steadily progressing from riding flat terrain to rolling hills, to riding longer hills, to riding steep and long hills. Going from riding on the flats to steep, long hills is not moderate. And likewise, you need to get acclimated to dealing with the summer heat; springing off the spin bike in the gym and toeing the line for the Hotter 'n Hell 100 isn't exactly moderate, either.

3) Rest Regularly: Consistent riding also requires frequent resting. This doesn't mean spending all your time off the bike on the couch or in bed, but it does mean planning rest at the right times, such as after challenging rides or hard weeks. Rest taken in adequate doses and at appropriate times produces consistent training and increased fitness. It's while you're resting that your body rebuilds and gets stronger.

The book sets up a good system for becoming and staying a good, steady rider even as we age, and maybe seeing it in that format migh make an impression on the fellow...

[Deborajen]

That book sounds good. I'll have to check into it - Thanks for the recommendation. My husband's birthday is coming up in a few weeks - Hmm - He wants to do a century sometime. He'll need some training references. I might try that.

I appreciate all the feedback everyone's been giving. One of the real pluses of the cycling community is it's not nothing but hardcore, high-performance athletes. It's active people of all kinds and at least if he's involved in something like this, all the better chance of coming across someone he can relate to - and listen to.

Deb

[Mr. Bloom]

Tom, that's an awesome post!