Any others in the forum with social anxiety?

[bacarver]

Anxiety disorders are common, but I feel like an alien at times. I've recently had a very difficult set back after years of doing really well. It has felt chemically based to me even though I adhere to the cognitive aspect for cause and solution. I'm starting to get back to my previous self after about 6 weeks of being very uncomfortable. This hit me from nowhere and it seems to be disappearing in similar fashion.
I want nothing to do with medications. I am highly susceptible to side effects.
Interestingly, I am a psych nurse but a human first.
I would like to attend an anxiety support group, but I live in a rural area and this is not available to me.
Connecting with others helps me feel better.
If anyone is willing to share even if through private messages, I can provide more information.
If not, thanks for listening, TE.

Barb

[TJ_Relic]

Hi Barb. I can't say I have a social anxiety disorder, exactly, because I've never seen a therapist or anything. I know I have alot of fear that has kept me from a full social life.

It always feels like everything about me is being criticized by every passing person. I know this is egotistical, but I was picked on alot as a kid, which is a big part of this.

I have a hard time trusting that someone actually wants to spend time with me, even if I am invited, and it is horrifying and impossible for me to ask to join a group for lunch or invite myself to a party.

I've known my friend Amanda since middle school (kinda kindergarten, actually) and it took about 5 years for me to trust that my very presence wasn't an imposition, that she wasn't pretending to be my friend, out of pity.

So, its sort of social anxiety, magnified by low self-worth. I was a shy child, but my family's constant moving kinda messed me up for a long time. I've dealt with it bit by bit, forcing myself into situations that make me uncomfortable, and realizing that my few friends are genuine has been a great help.

Now I'm using bicycling as a self-therapy, too. I put on shorts, ride an orange bike, riding a bike at all draws people's attention and possibly judgment, I'm dressing differently at school, etc...

[SlowButSteady]

Yes, totally have it.

and TJ Relic, this is so true: >>It always feels like everything about me is being criticized by every passing person. <<

I'm OK and functional in the insulated worlds of my home and office. Also pretty okay from jungles to high deserts with total strangers.

Where I have difficulty functioning is in the community in which I live. I often procrastinate on simple things like going to the grocery store or the dry cleaners because of it, and going to church or the local discount store is difficult. There are one or two local restaurants where I am okay, but I often get something in a drive-through and sit in my truck alone to eat lunch.

The common thread, as far as I can tell, is that I tend to avoid going places where I may run into and be forced to speak to someone I may know, however remotely. Send me to the mall in the next town among strangers and I'm okay. I'm okay crossing the country by plane or at the beach or doing anything "active."

I'm also okay at my job. People come into my office to see me -- on purpose! (I'm a vet). I figure it's because they want to and I am totally professional and 100% confident in my business.

It's when I try to function in this small town community that I get freaked out. I even have difficulty wanting to ride with LBC. I'm always the slowest one...imagine they laugh at me behind my back, etc. So I usually ride my bike alone.

I am confident enough to go shopping in nearby larger cities, to go to a movie by myself or eat by myself--I can even go to a WALMART by myself and not feel weird in a town in which I am a stranger. My assessment is that people who are total strangers have no preconceived notion of who I am or what I am like.

I can and do make friends--but it takes forever and they are few.

Meds have not helped. So many have been tried. I get side effects from some; others don't work. Ativan helps but it clashes with some other things I'm taking and I get groggy.

I do think exercise and eating well help. I try to go heavy on omega 3's, citrus and sunlight and since I have, I seem to do better. I also credit some of that for not having had the flu or even a cold in quite a while

[Skierchickie]

Wow - me too! I can relate to most of TJ_Relic & SlowButSteady's examples. I'm really self-conscious. I've gotten better about it the last few years, but wow - the whole "people just invite me to join them because they are trying to be nice" feeling was (is) just awful. And I had a terrible time when I had to start going to Al-Anon meetings (I used to always show up early for everything, probably thinking I'd be noticed less than if I walked in later). If one or two people walked in, I was relatively okay, but my discomfort would grow with every person that walked into a room, until I'd feel like I was going to have apanic attack.. And I've always hated parties - I tend to lurk in a quiet spot waiting for others to talk to me, instead of taking a risk. And I just can't make small talk. If I get comfortable, I run on a lot, though (just look at me now!). In grade school through high school I always carried a novel to read, and I'd stick my nose in my book as soon as I got to class, until the class started, so I wouldn't have to interact. I also assume everybody is critical of me, and nobody likes me.

As I said, I'm better than I was (dating back to when a huge crisis in my marriage got me into counseling). I have actual friends now - I'm still an isolating homebody, though. I'll never be a social being, or comfortable in public (the shopping by myself thing sounds familiar, and restaurants without a crutch!!).

Anyway, I can relate.

[mimitabby]

lots of us have some degree of social anxiety. I played Bass for 6 years in a band. It was great. I didn't have to talk (couldn't talk and play at the same time anyway) and I could have fun and be with friendly people. Another benefit was i could be on stage and be behind everyone else, i never ever took "center stage" I liked that!
I noticed that a lot of my musician friends did better with the instruments than they did with conversation!

[bacarver]

Thanks for sharing, guys. I feel the caring and the connection.
One thing about these fears is that they don't make total sense. Everyone has a unique way of being fearful.
My anxiety manifests itself through neck muscle tension and jerking. Eye contact is my problem trigger area. I fight to hide this from others at the expense of my well-being. This leaves me exhausted and frustrated.
I didn't ask for this problem. It found me through genetic predisposition and difficult life experiences.
I find it hard to accept this part of myself. I equate it to failure and being weak.
My internal dialogue is an ongoing work of art! I must work at being kind to myself in the thoughts inside my head.
Our bikes remind of us of how strong and capable we are.
Thanks again for contributing to the thread.
I will re-read the messages and find strength in them.
Barb

[Flur]

I used to be what I can only describe as excruciatingly shy. I'm still not overly outgoing, but I've made a lot of progress. One day I decided that I didn't like being afraid of things, so I decided to put myself out there no matter what. I used to not look people in the eye - so I made a point of it, and I made a point of smiling every time I felt nervous because it was more inviting to others. I was amazed at how different my interactions were - I can't even describe it properly - it was like they respected me more and saw me more, and it did wonders for my confidence. About 4 years ago, with my husband's encouragement, I started a year long yoga teacher training program. Teaching - standing in front of a group of people who are looking at me, potentially with a critical eye - was close to my biggest fear. But now not only can I teach in front of a group, I can speak in front of a group, even on the fly, and if I walk into a room and everyone turns to look, I can smile back with complete confidence. I can make small talk with strangers where I used to freeze up, and things that would make me break out in a cold sweat before barely phase me now. I'm not saying that looking the fear in the face will work for everyone, but it really has done wonders for me.

BTW - All that said, posting on forums terrifies me. Still.

[mimitabby]

wow, Flur, you have really come far! You can teach yoga !!!
I cannot emphasize how impressed I am with your achievement! It's fantastic. I'm still an idiot in public. Talking on a forum like this, I make a fool of myself several times a day... water off a duck's back

[Skierchickie]

Oh, wow - posting on this forum is really easy - I can think and think about what I want to say, read it over and over and re-word things. Abandon the whole process if I get scared. Basically try to make sure I don't offend anyone or look like an idiot. Notice I used the word "try". Then I can keep checking back to see if anybody responded to what I said, or if I'm just a big loser, and now everybody knows it. This is so much easier than face to face verbal contact! I sometimes feel like I can't put two words together. Work isn't bad, as long as I can avoid talking to customers (usually an Army Major or somebody like that - turns out they aren't that scary once you get to know them). I've been there long enough to be comfortable with most of my coworkers, although I can tell which ones are like I am - the ones that don't make eye contact in the hall (I am slowly overcoming the certainty that those people just hate me). I still have enough insecurity that if I meet someone in the hall, I look furtively to see if they are going to make eye contact or speak, and then I can speak to them - otherwise, I freak out and pull into my shell.

I did try posting on other forums a couple of times before finding TE. Not good! Somebody asked a question about the same car I had just bought, so I spoke up - got lambasted. Same thing happened again. Sure, they did it to everybody, but I took it pretty personally. I don't go there anymore. Another forum I have read before (tri related) - I've seem people get flamed over nothing. Some guy posted a question, and referred to riding fast on the flats at a particular speed (meaning fast for him, clearly) - they roasted the poor guy for the rest of the thread for his definition of "fast", then roasted each other for being mean to him, etc. - all one big laugh, apparently.

Flur, you are amazing!

Bacarver - I'm afraid I'm doing more of an "Ooh! Ooh! Me too!" than anything actually helpful. Just know you are not alone. You are right about the different ways anxiety can manifest itself. Mine is a panicky feeling. As an adult I realized I had had anxiety attacks beginning probably in kindergarten up through high school. I always tried to hide it - I never told my parents, because I thought there was something wrong with me. More performance anxiety than social anxiety with that, though.

Hang in there. Realizing what is really going on helps a lot. I think hearing other people's stories helps a lot too - just knowing you are not alone.

[Tuckervill]

the whole "people just invite me to join them because they are trying to be nice"

I sometimes think this, too, but over the years I've come to realize that-----NO, people just aren't THAT nice.

If I was so socially awkward and shy that someone felt sorry enough for me to invite me anyway, even though they didn't like me, then they'd be too afraid that I'd say YES to the invitation, so they wouldn't ask.

That's the tactic I use with obnoxious people. I don't invite them because I'm afraid they'll come!

99% of the shy people I've known (nothing wrong with being shy), were absolutely lovely people on their surface. And--if they had allowed me to get to know them better--probably sterling at their core.

It's just too bad they don't believe it.

Karen

[Savra]

Is it social anxiety disorder if you have had it all your life? and it's just kind of who you are? I used to get very anxious being around people and wouldn't even go into a store as a kid on my own. Normal everyday interactions with people gave me horrible butterflys. It got better as I got older. However, people still think I'm rather off. I think as I got older I just stopped being anxious and scared people would think I was strange and accepted that they will any way.
Yes, this is a great forum. I lurk and enjoy reading everyones posts. I still worry when I post that I "did it wrong" and "will offend" and will "seem off" but at least it's only a tiny little voice and not that cold sweat I used to get some 10 years ago.
May I say, how very courageous to even ask the question.

[uforgot]

Is it social anxiety disorder if you have had it all your life? and it's just kind of who you are? I used to get very anxious being around people and wouldn't even go into a store as a kid on my own. Normal everyday interactions with people gave me horrible butterflys. It got better as I got older. However, people still think I'm rather off. I think as I got older I just stopped being anxious and scared people would think I was strange and accepted that they will any way.
Yes, this is a great forum. I lurk and enjoy reading everyones posts. I still worry when I post that I "did it wrong" and "will offend" and will "seem off" but at least it's only a tiny little voice and not that cold sweat I used to get some 10 years ago.
May I say, how very courageous to even ask the question.

Have you ever read Party of One the Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus? Until I read it I thought I was always a little "off" too. Always had to have lots and lots of alone time, and I'm not big on gatherings too often. Even as a kid I hated slumber parties because I knew I had to spend the night with a crowd. This book made me feel much better about it, as my friends think it's a little strange, too, but they accept it. They know when I say no to some event: shopping, party, etc, that I'm not going to give a reason, and it has nothing to do with them. I think you are correct when you say it's just who you are.

[spotlightmama]

Have you ever read Party of One the Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus? Until I read it I thought I was always a little "off" too. Always had to have lots and lots of alone time, and I'm not big on gatherings too often. Even as a kid I hated slumber parties because I knew I had to spend the night with a crowd. This book made me feel much better about it, as my friends think it's a little strange, too, but they accept it. They know when I say no to some event: shopping, party, etc, that I'm not going to give a reason, and it has nothing to do with them. I think you are correct when you say it's just who you are.

Thanks for posting this - it looks like a really cool book!!

[Savra]

Have you ever read Party of One the Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus? Until I read it I thought I was always a little "off" too.

I haven't read it but I will certainly check it out. Thanks. I do think we should all embrace our "offness" (yeah, I think I just made up that word). We can have fun being strange, or off, or wanting to be alone or whatever our quirk is.

[solobiker]

I am pretty uncomfortable in these situations as well. More so with people my age group then with people older then me. What I mean by older is that I am very comfortable talking and spending time with people in there late 70s on up. I feel very uncomfortable with my peers, I have nothing to really talk about that I think they would want to hear. I have gained some confidence over the years but I am still not there yet. I was telling DH that I feel far more comfortable visiting with our neighboor who is in her 80s then our other neighboor who is our age.