Gifted Children & School: parenting advice

[Miranda]

Hello Ladies. I don't usually post topics like this, but know there are a lot of moms on this board that can maybe share their insight.

I have a child that has been tested, and selected at the elementary school level as being "gifted". This is above the schools normal high ability students. The gifted class consists of one per grade level for all the school system. Stats wise that works out to be the top 2%.

Both of my children have done well in school, but for this child, my youngest, the circumstances of the test results still blow me away. Very long winter for the household with medical issues. My child that has been selected was seriously ill and as a result missed an entire grading period, many days after that, and still tested in the 99th percentile on this gifted test. Statistically, that's hard to ignore.

I am torn in other ways with the pros and cons of the program if my child is ready for it. The big mom question: "Will my baby be ok?" Maybe I'm more protective now after the health issue (it was serious, heart related).

The program involves communting and changing home schools. Earlier and later bus schedule, seperation from the sibling, leaving all friends and things familiar, etc. The classroom is "open concept" (no walls, petitions). Which the teacher said is a negative for distraction, vs our current school. Both of my children are so sensitive, and emotional. You would think homework would be a breeze, but it usually brings tears. The act of leaving the house to run an errand, or sometimes even have a playmate over is too much for my son. He will say, "Mommy, I'm just so tired when I get home from school, I want to be home". He is spent. This was also pre-illness, btw.

Frankly, I understand exactly what he is saying. I feel the same. My meter can only take so much, then I need my pedaling to clear my head. Ironically, one of the very first things DS does after exiting the bus is get his bike helmet and ask, "mommy, can I ride my bike now?". Yep... you betcha. DH and I both were high ability, maybe the emotinal state comes with it?

I just worry it will be too much for him. Everyone in the family is against it due to the school change. I'm in the decision alone if I sent him. There are parent's that would give their eye teeth to get into this program. With my son's test results showing that the normal schooling can not meet his identified needs (this is how the school words it), it seems foolish not to proceed. Just part of mommy heart is fighting with my logically brain at what to do.

Thanks for any thoughts.

Miranda

[bouncybouncy]

My cousin's child was in the same position. He is highly intelligent but somewhat slow on the emotional side, he is diabetic and gluten intolerant which made for added issues.

The child was reading a grade ahead of his classmates and seemed to grasp science easily! He understands and usually can explain his diabetes better than his teachers. But socially he struggled, not too much but enough for my cousin to just leave him where he is. She does continue to challenge him at home. In the future when he has a better grasp on his emotions he can help with any decisions in this matter.

Have you asked your son what he wants?

***sorry for any grammar issues...I was not one of the gifted

[singletrackmind]

You're going to have to go with your instincts on this one, nobody knows your child better than you do 'cept maybe your child. What does he say?

My niece loves loves loves the gifted program at her school, but she is only away from regular school part-time so didn't have to give friends up.

From my regular public schooling point of view, it's hard work to be bored beyond belief yet still be made to sit still and pay attention 8 hours a day.

[indigoiis]

He can always go into an advanced program later.
Let him be a kid for now. Sounds like he appreciates the comforts of home and his familliar school and friends, and time with you.
And there is a lot you can do over and above what the schools are doing to homeschool while he is at home... activities geared toward helping him succeed at whatever it is he is good at.

[OakLeaf]

I can't speak to the mom end of it, but having skipped a grade and been in accelerated classes in elementary school, I'm very strongly opposed to it.

A child can get academic education anywhere, and a motivated child will do so. But children don't have a choice about where they get their social and emotional development, and they don't know any better than to follow adults' lead as to whether those things are even important.

Keep him with kids his own age. That's even more critically important because his medical issues have apparently isolated him somewhat. Keep him exposed to a diverse group of kids - not just kids scoring high on so-called "intelligence" tests, who are also likely to belong to a certain demographic (not because that demographic is any "better" than any others, but because that's what the tests screen for).

Let him know that his academic (and/or artistic) performance is no more important to you than the quality and continuity of his friendships, his comfort and security with his school, his physical health and fitness, his general delight in life.

If he's bored in school, you can supplement his school work with related education. Whatever he's interested in, pick a topic to investigate in more depth. He can share his projects with his classmates and teachers if time and interest permit, or just keep it in the family. But if you keep it related to what he's doing in school, then he'll have something to focus his attention if classwork seems to be going too slowly for him.

Just my $.02

[spotlightmama]

Do they have gifted classes at his current school? Even if they aren't quite as robust as the ones at this new school, it would be a compromise.

IMO, "education" is defined in many ways. I think people tend to focus too much on book learning - the best parts of my education came from real life (and I'm an Ivy League graduate, lol). If it were my child, I would probably wait until he was a little older. OakLeaf makes an excellent point that a motivated child will find places to learn. I grew up on Florida's education system! He will find learning in family, nature, and life in general. Let him be a kid for a little longer and make this choice when it's better for him. That's my $0.02, at least.

[HoosierGiant]

Both my girls were repeatedly tested and determined to be reading at a 12th-grade level while in 1st grade. Obviously, that translated into high performance across the curriculum. But, our school corporation does not offer accelerated/gifted & talented programs until 3rd grade. Was that a problem for us? No. We have always been educationally minded and did all we could to supplement their education outside the classroom.

I tell you that, not because I want to brag about my girls (I detest that whole look-what-my-kid-can-do trap that so many parents fall into), but only to help emphasize my point. I have always told my girls that everyone's a genius about something, and everyone's a complete idiot about something -- wisdom comes in being able to ascertain where your strengths and weaknesses lie and work with them accordingly. That being said, there's a wealth of learning that takes place in a classroom comprised of students at a variety of academic levels.

Both my girls are quiet and reserved; we chose not to advance them to higher grades because we weren't certain we wanted to have to deal with some of the social issues that would rear their heads once they were approaching high school. The option we chose was to take each of them out of public school after 1st grade. We just completed our sixth year of homeschooling, and have loved every minute of it.

There's so much more to education than test performance and grades, and only you know your child well enough to make these types of decisions. But, having agonized over these same issues in the past, I empathize. Wishing you the best!!

[alpinerabbit]

I was an overachiever in elementary school. Gifted did not exist yet, and I wasn't very social. I hated my classmates because they hated me for being (one of) the best.
I don’t know if it would have helped me – the infrastructure just wasn’t there.

Thanks to my brains I had no struggle all through H.S. and I am happy for that. Sometimes I think it is best to let your kid perform to the level they can achieve with ease instead of pushing them. This is just a comment on "other parents", as your kid seems to have an easy time.

If your kid is happy with his classmates, that is very important as well.
He can always skip a grade later and get the chance now to develop his social skills. I would have given my talent for having more friends for sure.

The tiredness could mean he is stressed, and the change would stress him more. Yes to giving him stuff to do. Art class, learn an instrument (although maybe not -that is extra stress), some other group (maybe not - he says he feels tired). I had loads of extra activities that I enjoyed: violin, pottery, girl scouts. NO SPORTS.

[mimitabby]

what wonderful advice here!

let him be a kid! he's at the 98th percentile because of what he's doing at home. so keep doing that and let him enjoy school. Not going into a gifted program now isn't going to keep him out of Harvard!

If he was excited about it, i'd have a different opinion.

[Eden]

As other's say it totally depends on the child and everyone has differing experiences. For me it was a very good experience. I was one of those kids who probably would have been too bored to pay enough attention otherwise (oh heck - I know I wouldn't have paid attention... I had notebooks full of drawings rather than notes from some of my mainstream classes...). I've also always been quick and regular classrooms/teachers aren't always equipped to handle a kid that finishes their work too fast.... (I did a lot of reading on my own, not terrible as I liked to read, but still I might have been better served by other school work?) I get the feeling I would have started hating school pretty early had I not been in the accelerated classes - ours were one day a week at a different school through middle school, some separate classes in middle school and all separate classes in high school.
As far as social issues go, I agree with Alpinerabbit.... leaving a smart kid in regular classes usually doesn't make them particularly popular or give them a rewarding social life. Being in accelerated classes certainly won't guarantee a kid friends and it can be competitive, but at least the kids don't get picked on for being the smart one or learn to not act as smart as they are do they don't get picked on.

[Irulan]

You don't say how old your kid is, and I think that is a crucial element.

I too have gifted kids. The boredom set in early (first grade) and who the teacher was made all the difference. Some teachers couldn't cope ( ie, tell them to go read a book or go help another kid when they finished their work first) and some were great, constantly coming up with alternative activities and challenges.

Our district starts testing in first grade, offers a one day program for grades 2-4, and then has a magnet school option for grades 5-8. This is a good set up for developmental issues I think.

If he's not bored yet, you might wait.

My opinion is that if you have the option of taxpayer funded education to grab it and don't' look back. Here's why:
-The teacher are specialists in dealing with GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) kids and their issues, whether it perfectionism, excessive curiosity, sensitivity to overstimulation and so on. They understand how to augment and expand the curriculum to challenge and inspire kids.
-they will be with kids like themselves: intelligent, curious, sensitive, a multitude of talents, and they won't be picked on or tortured by the other kids for it.
If you think this kind of behavior isn't in the schools, you are fooling yourself.
-they will develop confidence and self esteem in their unique talents, instead of trying to hide them or fly under the radar because they are different.

Sending my boys to a magnet GATE program provided by our district for grades 5-8 was the best thing we ever did for them. Those years are the worst, middle school, and they had a chance to really become sure of who they were without all the social drama that in endemic in most middle schools.

As for the argument of pulling them out of the home school takes them away from their friends and social life.... I think it's ridiculous. They make new friends at school, from a broader swath of the community, with kids more like themselves. Our GATE school pulled from the whole district, so the boys got to be friends with kids from all over the city – much more diverse socially, culturally and economically than our neighborhood school. I thought it was great to see my kids appreciate others talents and gifts; it made them very comfortable in their own skins.

I'm concerned by the comments that you son is "tired" and home work is a problem. Why? "Tired" can be depressed from a bad day at school. Homework can be a struggle if it is boring, stupid or pointless. Now this is pure speculation, and I did have one who was very easily over stimulated. No matter where he was he always needed some down time to recuperate.

I really support gifted education: we have family members who were talented and bored out of their skulls, which translated into acting out, drug use and eventually dropping out. I support giving a gifted kid all they can handle, within reason, and making sure they have balance in their lives. By balance, I mean making sure the bookworm has a sport or outside activity that they like to do and don’t spend all their time on the sofa reading. I am also very lucky in that we have an excellent program in our district, and understand that not everyone has access to that.

And while not sending your kid to a gifted program won’t eliminate his chances of success, my personal feeling is that supporting their talents as much as possible gives them the tools they need to really understand and use their giftedness. My youngest, who graduates on Sunday, has earned himself almost $50K in merit scholarships this year – he loves to study hard, and sees the benefit of application. I believe some of this is from teachers supporting his intense curiosity in science and math, and helping him to go as far as he possibly can with it.

Sorry for the novel.

[Veronica]

I enjoyed the novel.

V.

[F8th637]

I tested three times in elementary school for the gifted program and always felt a little short. It wasn't until I was retested again in high school that I was finally accepted in. My best friend and a lot of my close friends were in the gifted program and the only difference that I noticed was that a couple days a week they would go to the gifted school. The projects they worked on always sounded really cool too. It sounds like this program that you are considering for your child is a lot different than that one.

What I really wanted to comment on was that it sounds like both you and your son are introverts. People are surprised when I tell them that I am because they automatically think introverts are quiet and shy. Introverts actually need a lot of quiet, recovery time after social interaction. I think that is why by the end of the work week I am exhausted and in a foul mood. After social events like weddings I need like 2 days to recover. That is probably why your son likes his bike rides. Quiet time to him self doing what he loves. Ultimately, I think you should see what he wants to do. I would do some research on being an introvert. I will try to find the name of this book I read on the subject but here is a good link too: http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...troverted.html. I think if you are able to work with a teacher at the school that can understand how to deal with an introverted, highly gifted child that would be the best scenario. I am really going to find info on that book. I think it will help you and your family out.

ETA: Here is the website of the author of the book I was talking about The Introvert Advantage: http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/. I borrowed that book from the library and realizing I'm an introvert has been a God-send for me.

[Chile Pepper]

As others have mentioned, the age of the kid will make all the difference. My younger son was born with a severe heart defect. His first three years were hellish, and then he had his last open heart surgery during the summer before kindergarten. He went through months of severe anxiety, and he still (a year and a half later) is less confident than his older brother. He is also very sociable, but not as rough-and-tumble as most of the boys in his class. He gets along with most kids, but he's a follower, not a leader. I can't imagine him being in a class of older kids--socially, he would not fit in despite being very sociable and generally getting along great with his older brother. But then, he isn't in the gifted range, and I suspect he might be borderline ADD (which is fairly common following open heart surgery). Depending on what your son has been through heart-wise, this may just not be a good time for major changes.

[Irulan]

I enjoyed the novel.

V.

V- I was so happy to hand my kids off to their teachers! After all these folks are specialists in dealing with gifted kids, and they knew what to do with them.

Unless you've ever locked yourself into a bathroom to get away from a small child with insatiable curiosity you may not know what I am talking about.