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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    100

    Unhappy He didn't do a thing for my 30th birthday!

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    I'm sorry I just need an outlet to vent and maybe some different opinions to make sure I'm not crazy - My BF of almost 2 years (best friend prior to relationship) did nothing for my 30th b-day on the 8th, nothing.... he works a 24 hr shift (firefighter) came home that morning wished me a happy birthday then asked me what I wanted to do, my answer and most common "I don't know" and I told him I figured he would have had something, anything planned, since for his 30th 2 years ago, I took him out to a massage, lunch and dinner out, plus gifts, etc...I was still tired and getting back to a normal schedule from working all night the 6th, so I was content with a lazy day at home, which was fine, I took a 2 and a half hour nap, then asked him what he got me for my b-day? His answer was, uh, nothing... and he was serious - nothing - I got upset started crying and left to go pick up my kids from school, he then left and attempted to get a birthday cake which still sits untouched in the fridge.

    It's been some small talk conversation/silent since - I asked him what was up yesterday since he didn't even say good-bye to me on his way out the door to work.

    He says since I didn't tell him what I wanted for my birthday and he didn't have anyplace to put a gift, and that we are always together, what did I expect him to do? He came home this morinng I told him he really hurt me and I started to cry again, he wouldn't even look at me, I said it makes me feel like he doesn't care, and he went off rattling the same excuses, I said sitting there crying, "I'm sitting here crying, and you can't even tell me your sorry for hurting me." The whole time he wouldn't look me in the face, when I said it seems like he doesn't care he didn't even argue in the slightest... he says I need to see his point of view ??? What that he doesn't care and I'm hurt badly and he can't even say he's sorry

    Last week before my birthday he was even telling me how it's my 30th and should be special, etc etc.

    I left took the kids to the park, and just came home, not surprisingly he's not here - I think he went out on his road bike.... I just don't get it - I thought I was going to marry this man, he's always made comments about getting a bigger house in 4 years, when the boys get older...he always seemed so committed and now ??? I don't even know what to think, I'm deeply hurt and he can't seem to see that.

    Any words of wisdom, encouragement, etc. even some man bashing might help : ) Thanks ladies.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Southeast Idaho
    Posts
    1,145
    I don't have any words of wisdom or encouragement for you- I just wanted to say that I have had a bummer birthday in the past, too. It wasn't forgotten altogether, just last minute - WAY last minute. There really isn't an excuse that works in this situation - he was just plain wrong and he screwed up. He's know when your birthday is for a year - kind of strange how we know way ahead of time
    I just wanted to say sorry. You have every reason to be upset. Sorry he forgot. HUGS!!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    foothills of the Ozarks aka Tornado Alley
    Posts
    4,197
    Milkbone, I'm really sorry your birthday was a real let down.

    It sounds like your boyfriend is putting the commitment on hold for now. Maybe he's working through some personal issues of his own and as a result is not as emotionally available right now. Perhaps he feels his needs are not being met and he's confused or angry and is distancing himself from you.

    Do you have some girl friends to do stuff together? Have a girls night out? Shop and do lunch together? Watch each other's kids for a day so you can have a break? Meet with some of the TE'ers and go for a long bike ride?

    I wish you well and hope things get better for you both.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    the dry side
    Posts
    4,403
    Quote Originally Posted by milkbone View Post
    he works a 24 hr shift (firefighter) came home that morning wished me a happy birthday then asked me what I wanted to do, my answer and most common "I don't know" and I told him I figured he would have had something, anything planned, since for his 30th 2 years ago, I took him out to a massage, lunch and dinner out, plus gifts, etc...I was still tired and getting back to a normal schedule from working all night the 6th, so I was content with a lazy day at home, which was fine, I took a 2 and a half hour nap, then asked him what he got me for my b-day? His answer was, uh, nothing... and he was serious - nothing - I got upset started crying and left to go pick up my kids from school, he then left and attempted to get a birthday cake which still sits untouched in the fridge.

    It's been some small talk conversation/silent since - I asked him what was up yesterday since he didn't even say good-bye to me on his way out the door to work.

    He says since I didn't tell him what I wanted for my birthday and he didn't have anyplace to put a gift, and that we are always together, what did I expect him to do? He came home this morinng I told him he really hurt me and I started to cry again, he wouldn't even look at me, I said it makes me feel like he doesn't care, and he went off rattling the same excuses, I said sitting there crying, "I'm sitting here crying, and you can't even tell me your sorry for hurting me." The whole time he wouldn't look me in the face, when I said it seems like he doesn't care he didn't even argue in the slightest... he says I need to see his point of view ??? What that he doesn't care and I'm hurt badly and he can't even say he's sorry

    Last week before my birthday he was even telling me how it's my 30th and should be special, etc etc.

    I left took the kids to the park, and just came home, not surprisingly he's not here - I think he went out on his road bike.... I just don't get it - I thought I was going to marry this man, he's always made comments about getting a bigger house in 4 years, when the boys get older...he always seemed so committed and now ??? I don't even know what to think, I'm deeply hurt and he can't seem to see that.

    Any words of wisdom, encouragement, etc. even some man bashing might help : ) Thanks ladies.
    I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but to me it sounds like you've got a nice guy who's working very hard and you a) expect him to be mind reader and know that you think he ought duplicate what you did for HIS birthday two years ago, and b) you tell him "I don't know" and then complain when he doesn't have anything.

    No wonder men think women are crazy.

    My hubby used to pull 24+ hour shifts in the oil field. I learned to cut him a lot of slack. Frankly after that many hours on the job, most guys want to just eat and sleep, much less think up specialness for their ladyfriends.

    You might consider giving him an apology for expecting him to know what you aren't telling him, and for not considering that he was fried from his shift.

    I.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    SEOhio
    Posts
    12
    milkbone, cry all you need to. Sometimes a good cry is good for my soul. I'm sorry you feel hurt. Nobody wants that for their birthday.

    My husband is not a very romantic guy. If I want something special done for what I view as a special occasion, I have to plan it-- my birthday, our wedding anniversary, whatever. I used to have high expectations and, like a kid at Christmas I'd wonder about what great gift he'd buy, then be let down when some nice gift and dinner didn't appear.

    After awhile, I learned that this wonderful fellow just had little knack for creating special occasions. When we celebrate our 28th anniversary in a couple of weeks, it will be because I planned all (or most) of what we do.

    Good luck, milkbone. I hope next year's birthday is happier.
    Robin

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Mrs. KnottedYet
    Posts
    8,976
    I'm sorry to hear this. I've had some bummer birthdays in the past, not forgotten just kind of last minute. But the _5 & _0 ones are kind of special so I can understand this hurt and you're entitled to feel royally ticked off.

    You've been together for a while, how has he treated your special day in the past?

    Quote Originally Posted by milkbone View Post
    He says since I didn't tell him what I wanted for my birthday and he didn't have anyplace to put a gift
    I was asked by a training buddy about to get married "what do I get my wife for holidays etc? what do women want?" I told him I'd always kept a list, don't count on us to say "I want ___" unless that's your arrangement and some of us do that with our SO's "here, get this".

    I told him to watch, listen to her. The catalog with the post-it, the jersey she stares at and holidays, special days, just because and the all important "ooops, I f#cked up, sorry" you have ideas, you're out somewhere and "ooh, there's ____ she wants one" and so on.

    He's still happily married, maybe it helped.

    But it's not just men who forget these things. Small personal rant about the ex DPITA here and since she rides I've never mentioned this so .... ____ if you're lurking welcome to TE But I'd do that and she'd wonder "how did you know I wanted _____?" "well, you told me, not in so may words but we were ___, you stared at ____ here it is ".

    I'd tell her what I wanted and get the same thing almost every time. So it's not just a guy thing.

    Thoughtful gestures, fun time out together, not just spending all your time together but make it special, do something fun, try a new sport, go for a ride TOGETHER .... I have that now

    Hope you two will work things out and that things go for the best.

    I get the impression from these posts that men have a different take on the whole shopping/gift/occasion experience. Personally I would not mind hearing from our TE guys about their thoughts on the matter.

    Milkbone; my philosophy is it's never to late to have a happy birthday (anniversary, ground hogs day etc). Celebrate!! You're 30, whooppeeeeeeeee, live it up.
    Last edited by Trek420; 05-10-2008 at 10:28 AM.
    Custom Road bike ~ Mondonico Futura Legero
    Found on the road ~ Motobecane Mixte
    N+1 new bike ~ Salsa Vaya
    Commuter ~ Soma Buena Vista Mixte

    http://madeinusareviews.blogspot.com/

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Folsom CA
    Posts
    5,672
    I forgot my husband's birthday once.

    I knew it was coming, and thought about what to do for it, but that week at work was a big prep for a partner meeting and I was stressed and cross-eyed tired all week.

    Then one evening that week I came home late from work and I saw that Lee got a couple of birthday cards in the mail, one from his parents and one from his sister, and I thought "oh how nice Lee got some ... Birthday Cards !!!!" Seriously, it completely slipped my mind until that very moment.

    So it can happen.

    Lee thought it was a hoot the way I reacted - I completely freaked and practically burst into tears over forgetting - so in the end it was different than your situation. But I'm just saying, under duress anyone can let a birthday slip from their minds.

    Just my 2 cents - I think you assumed a lot. Maybe some guys would have made a big production number over it, but maybe your guy isn't that type. I don't see that as a sure sign that he doesn't love you and is not committed to the relationship. OTOH, the way you reacted probably speaks volumes to him, and possibly not in a good way.

    Sorry, in my experience the male species is not particularly good at mind reading. It's like that Gary Larson cartoon What humans say / What dogs hear ("blah blah Ginger").

    He hears: "blah blah blah blah I don't care blah blah blah "
    You think: "Oh surely he will have had something wonderful planned since I did something wonderful for him 2 years ago."
    He thinks: "Oh OK if it doesn't matter so much to her maybe we can do something this weekend when I'm not so busy" - he might not have even articulated this thought, just a subconcious "we can do it later".

    2009 Lynskey R230 Houseblend - Brooks Team Pro
    2007 Rivendell Bleriot - Rivet Pearl

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    100
    Thanks ladies, he does work a 24 but they can go to sleep at 8 and only need to get up if they have any calls - and lately and that night were quiet. So the tired issue would be greatly into consideration if that had been the case, working nights as a medic I know how that is.

    A good cry has helped, he still hasn't said I'm sorry and feels he did no wrong, I'm upset and as all things - This too shall pass.

    Thanks ladies. : )

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Mrs. KnottedYet
    Posts
    8,976
    Meanwhile, you're 30! Whoopeeeeeee! Live it up. It's not one day, it's a whole birthday season, there's no limit to how long you can celebrate. Heck I'm still celebrating 30 just with 22 years of experience .

    So we're celebrating your birthday virtually. Off to measure the kitchen counter area, figure out how many feet of tile I need (+10-15% for extra, errors, drops) for the backsplash and then let's ... go .... shopping.

    C'ept you probably won't want tile for your birthday, you'll want to shop for sumthin' else.

    C'mon we'll stop for virtual coffee and chocolate.
    Custom Road bike ~ Mondonico Futura Legero
    Found on the road ~ Motobecane Mixte
    N+1 new bike ~ Salsa Vaya
    Commuter ~ Soma Buena Vista Mixte

    http://madeinusareviews.blogspot.com/

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    the foggy wetlands,los osos,ca
    Posts
    2,863
    I lovvvvvveee my dh but he is not romantic at all. And I have been let down in the past as well. Which really is my own fault. Once on my birthday he left and was gone all day. I had huge expectations! He was gone all day cause he was buying himself a truck! I was so hurt. But he is such a good guy in so many other ways.
    Now like some of the above said I plan it myself. Or my friends do. And my friends know what I am lacking in my relationship and they try and make up for it. My girlfriends are so wonderful. and I treat myself as well.
    My 40th is this year, I have already started planning for it. I want to rent a bowling ally out and have a 50's party at it. Sounds like fun to me. he would never think of that!
    I think you should tell him what you want right up front. Even now. Just say "You know I thought about it and I know what i want now" And see if that works. It is never to late to celebrate.
    Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
    > Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    San Antonio, TX
    Posts
    2,024
    First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! My DH also doesn't make much out of birthdays, etc. He did for my 50th, but that was the first time *ever*. What I have learned over the years is that he doesn't want/expect anything special for his birthday either, hes just one of those people for whom stuff like this doesn't mean a lot. SO, if everything else is good in your relationship, I think you just need to accept that he's not that kind of guy/person.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Kelowna, BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,737
    I always plan my own birthdays and we talk about what I want to do, especially for a special birthday. We always talk about what we want for our birthday/Christmas to so there's no guessing game to play. Neither of us wants to guess what to buy, or have to pretend we like was was bought. This year we bought each other Rudy Project sunglasses (our birthdays are a month apart). Last year, we bought matching Garmins.

    I'm sorry you feel so crappy but at the same time, I can understand his position. I think you need to be up front about your expectations and at least give some hints about what you want.
    It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~ George Elliot


    My podcast about being a rookie triathlete:Kelownagurl Tris Podcast

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
    Posts
    194
    I think it's a guy thing. My last boyfriend was similiar. My neighbor's husband recently just refused to do anything for her birthday even after she went all out for his. It was weird. He is usually so thoughtful but when it came time for her birthday he just became a complete ***. They didn't talk to each other for a few days and seem fine now. I think overall she is choosing to accept him for the good and bad all wrapped up into one.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Newport, RI
    Posts
    3,834
    Today I said to dbf, "You know, my birthday is monday. Go get me something." Off he went. He asked me to come with him, and pick something out, and I said no. I told him I want an actual present (not a gift certificate, etc), and I want it on monday, and I don't want to know how much it cost. As much as he should be able to, he can't read my mind, so I also told him which store I like, and that I really could use a messenger bag. Now he thinks the messenger bag was his idea (if he caught my subtle hint). Probably it will be a messenger bag, but that may have gone right over his head, and it really could be a surprise. Those are good, too.

    We've been together for 17 years. He's never forgotten or not done anything for my birthday. Try this technique next year. It works well. Not sure there's much you can do about this year now. Forgiveness is probably your best option.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Folsom CA
    Posts
    5,672
    LOL redrhodie, well done! Here's hoping you get something goooood.

    And milkbone, let me chime in happy birthday wishes as well. Really sorry it didn't go according to plan, but maybe he'll get the hint better next time - altho it may involve having to be subtle as a sledgehammer.

    2009 Lynskey R230 Houseblend - Brooks Team Pro
    2007 Rivendell Bleriot - Rivet Pearl

 

 

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