One of my best friends might be very sick. Help.

[indysteel]

I just got off the phone with a very good friend of mine and I suddenly find myself in somewhat unchartered territory. She found out that she was pregnant about six week's ago. It was her second and she and her husband were very happy. During her first pelvic exam, the doctor detected two cysts, one the size of a baseball and the other a walnut, on both of her ovaries. Sadly, she then miscarried a couple of days later.

She had an ultrasound yesterday and the results were troubling enough that the doctor is referring her to an oncologist and has ordered a CA 125 test (an ovarian cancer marker blood test). Right now, that's about all she knows. Her sister had noncancerous cysts removed a few years ago and there's otherwise no history of ovarian cancer in her family. My friend is in her early 30s and has been in good health, although her periods have been less than normal since she had her first baby in July of 2005.

I feel just sick about this. Even if it turns out to be nothing serious, the amount of dread associated with the word "oncologist" is crazy scary. I know how I felt when my OB/GYN referred me to a breast surgeon for a lump he detected. I was 34 and my mom lost both breasts removed from cancer at that same age (nice family history, huh?). It turned out to be nothing (knock on wood), but I was terrified.

I've of course reassured her that I'm here for her. My approach in difficult times like this is to be pretty honest that I don't know exactly what to say. I told her that I was hopeful that her doctor was primarily being cautious but that, in saying that, I didn't want to sound dismissive of her very real fears and worry. She's a dear person and sadly, I don't think her husband is the most sensitive person in the world, her family lives elsewhere, and she doesn't have a tremendous number of close girlfriends.

To top it all off, another friend of mine is essentially dealing with the same thing. She has a bad family history of ovarian cancer and her CA 125 tests have been elevated for about six months but an ultrasound didn't reveal any abnormalities. She's planning on having an elective hysterectomy in the fall, but now is concerned that she's already sick.

If anyone has any advice on what to say, how to say it, etc., please let me know. I tend to think that listening, more than talking, is what's in order. Hugs, prayers and the like couldn't hurt either.

Thanks.

Kate

[Pax]

I had a partial hysterectomy in 1999 when they found a baseball sized tumor on my left ovary, they left the remaining ovary so I could continue to cycle and produce estrogen...a month later it had a softball sized tumor. Scary stuff with lots of nights spent staring at the ceiling wondering "what if".

The most comforting thing for me was knowing that if I needed to call my closest friend at 2 or 3 am she was willingly there for me. Even though my honey was right next to me sometimes I needed to talk to someone who wasn't sharing my every moment...be there for her and be sure she knows you really mean it when you say "call me anytime".

[nebiker]

I'm sorry to hear about it! All I can say is that I second the be there, and mean it! I have a gf that has stage 4 endo. She has had these HUGE cysts over time, and has lost one of her ovaries. They are currently trying to save the other, beings she's in her early 30's. One of the things that she has done is read up A LOT on the endo stuff. One thing that she's learned (that most docs won't tell you) is that it is kind of like cancer, even though it's not cancer. That may be a reason to refer her to an oncologist, especially if the doc felt that it was over his/her head. No matter what, please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend!

[teigyr]

I'd say listening is good along with talking and just being there. I had a fast growing 11x17cm cyst removed that had wrapped around my kidneys. At that time, of course, they removed the ovary. About 8 years later they found one on my other ovary that was large and had attached to intestines (I think it was). The concern was that it would puncture something. Both surgeries I had were almost immediate after diagnosis just because of cancer concerns. My first one had an 8". They wanted a huge incision so they could look at the surrounding areas to make sure nothing bad was going on. At the time of my second surgery, they also decided to do a hysterectomy due to the fact I was prone to these things and hormones increase all sorts of risks of other cancers.

Even if hers are non-cancerous, which I bet they are, she will still have things to deal with. Pregnancy increases the chance cysts will grow so she might not be able to have more children. Her body will go through changes due to surgery (my stomach will never be what it was!) and if she has to have more surgeries (which could happen), it gets worse each time. Due to hormone changes, things are just different. I'm not the depressed type but if I think too deeply about it, I never wanted those surgeries to happen and I'm kind of resentful. It helps that I never wanted kids, but still. I want my old body back!

I know everyone's different but I was so strong after that I didn't deal with the emotional impact. I was walking quickly and was back on my bike well before the surgeon allowed me to be. I was stubborn and since I was told I couldn't do something, I did it to spite them. It would be good to allow her to go through emotions as she has them - I only had my ex-husband there (lived in isolated area and my family just didn't talk about personal type surgeries) who tended to deny anything was going on.

Sorry this is long-winded. I think you've got the right idea and it's great that you are such a good friend. I think you'll be able to provide what she needs during this time! I will keep good thoughts about cancer - I bet they are being cautious. At least they are checking even though it's scary to even think that way. Please let her know she is in our thoughts

Oh lastly, it might be small things that have a huge impact. I know during my second surgery I had to sign a "consent to sterilization". It was really harsh to have it right in front of my face requiring a signature.

[mimitabby]

someone who has been my friend since we were 13 might have kidney cancer.
I introduced her to the ((((hugs)))) you guys have been throwing around and she loved it. Listen, call them, write...

good luck.

[Kimmyt]

Wow hugs for both you and your friend(s).

I have a friend who battled ovarian cancer for the past few years. She amazed me with her ability to still remain strong throughout the course of the disease and has been clear for the last year I guess.

My thoughts will be with you all.

K.

[LBTC]

Indy, I'm sending butteflies to you and your friend!

Everyone has said the right things here, and all I can add is - make sure she knows she doesn't have to be strong for you.

As someone who is in the midst of dealing with a health issue, I feel very alone sometimes. And since I'm usually the one sending out the positive vibes, smiling and shining light on everything, I really feel as if there is no-one that I can cry to, no-one that I can share those really scared, really angry, really sad, really "what am I going to do" thoughts. And since I'm just dealing with mild Crohn's, and she may be facing cancer, she may have those thoughs even more than I do!!

As for what I'd want - well, someone who will not get freaked out if I cry or say crazy things about how I'm feeling, someone who wouldn't judge me, someone who will listen, and then someone who will laugh when I'm ready to laugh about it all. Whenever possible, let those emotions flow, but before you part ways, let there be light - hugs, laughter, whatever it takes in the moment.

And then, when you find the worry and difficulty too much, post here so we can all support you, too!

Hugs and warm, loving, accepting butterflies,
~T~

[Duck on Wheels]

Dear Indy,
Yes, I recognize that worry is such situations -- wondering what to say. I've found that there is no magic word. There is nothing you can say that truly will turn things around. Things will either turn out well or not, and your words are not the key to that. So in that sense what you say hardly matters. What matters is that you don't stay away, for instance out of fear of not knowing what to say. What matters is that you listen. And since you've already shown that you're willing to listen and that you're there for the long haul, I think you'll also know what to say as things develop. You take your cue from your friend. You show that you trust in her to be making the right decisions. You try to be just enough more optimistic than she is that you help her support her own optimism, but aren't seen as discounting her pessimism. Because she's likely to feel torn between those two feelings. You'll likely feel torn and vulnerable too, so it'll be good if you too have friends to turn to. Like TE friends, for instance. Oh, and one last bit of advice ... In my experience, it's helpful to try to end every conversation by pointing out her strengths and resources, give praise for bravery, for coming up with creative and constructive ways of dealing with waiting times until her next appointment, for calling you whenever she needs to. Give praise for supportive family, for skilled professionals, for neighbours who've been helpful. Because those kind of strengths and resources will always be there and will be a comfort no matter how things turn out healthwise. For now let's stay with the best case scenario: Say all goes well, the diagnosis is benign cysts, she's treated and sent home with a clean bill of health ... for a while she may still be worried, and those resources will help her through. What I've found is that this approach allows people the dignity that their worries are taken seriously and at the same time the security of remembering they have their own emotional and practical "safety net".

[crazybikinchic]

Sometimes the most powerful words are "I Love You".

About 6 years ago, we lost our daughter. One day, I had to leave church services and retreat to the bathroom to compose myself. A lady in the restroom told me, "I would rather lose my child at a young age than to have them grow up and know that they are going to hell".

A few minutes later, another lady walked in and told me she loved me.

Also, an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, knowing that someone out there loves and cares for me.

[Raindrop]

Crazybikinchic...that was a horrifying and inspirational post all rolled into one.
I'm glad you had the "I love you" lady show up at the perfect moment.

I'm sending my positive vibes to your friend that whatever comes to pass...she'll have the strength to deal with it.