I Met A Bike Widow Today

[DarcyInOregon]

I bike almost every day, even in the bad weather. I rarely encounter another cyclist, but when I do, the other cyclists are typically older males, age 60 to 90, riding solo or in small groups. I've always wondered who these older males are, what their lives are like at home.

Today I had to give up my biking time and attend a small memorial for a friend's mother. The mother was my friend also and she died after a very long illness; the death was something she desired so it is ok. It wasn't a memorial with services and eulogies, but just a whole lot of people crammed into a tiny one-bedroom condo and munching on appetizers.

When I got there, Aunt Jean, the sister of the dead lady, exclaims, "Darcy you must still be biking because you have lost so much weight!"

Well yes, thank you for noticing. I've lost 2 inches around my middle, one inch around my bust and one inch around my hips so far this year. I was wearing a new cute outfit that showed off my less fat middle.

Aunt Jean then says her husband refused to come because he was out biking. This couple is in their late 60s. Now I should have been sympathetic and said oh no, how despicable, but instead I was instantly interested and asked how many miles he was biking today. Aunt Jean's face gets all twisted up with grimaces and scowls and she launches into this tirade against her husband. Evidently he is out biking 65 miles today. He bikes everyday and leaves her all alone. He is spending all sorts of money, and says the lady at the bike shop is giving him special deals, and Aunt Jean thinks he is spending too much time at the bike shop and he is having an affair with the lady at the bike shop.

I sort of go ummm. What could I say. I mean my thoughts were opposite of what she wanted me to think. You see, I was thinking, well good for him, he is probably training for a century, and no, he isn't having an affair with the lady at the bike shop because that would take away from his biking time. And I was already totally envious because he had the guts to not show up and continue with his training schedule and I had to revamp my whole week and take today as a day of rest. I will take my dogs for a walk yet today, and that will be my exercise for the day.

Aunt Jean was continuing with her tirade so I interrupted and asked if her cycling husband was signed up for the Monster Cookie Metric Century at the end of April. Aunt Jean exploded and it was all about how much does that cost, and no he didn't say anything, and why is he keeping these things secret from her. She said he owns two bikes, one is a Giant and one is a Specialized, and why does he need two bikes, and it all costs too much.

My husband is an invalid so I said oops, Bill doesn't do well in such crowded conditions so I gotta go, and I got out of there.

Whew!

Darcy

[missymaya]

Wow Darcy! My sympathies for the loss, it probably helped that you went and gave your condolences though. As for riding, one day off of the bike doesn't hurt and may actually help a little. You will ride again the next day, so just get ready for that and use this day for something different, change it up a bit. As for aunt Jean, woo she needs to cool off a little. Maybe someone should suggest that she take a ride with her husband or a friend or someone and maybe she'll like to ride.
Hope all is well and have a great ride!

[Grog]

Wow. Sorry about that sad encounter.

Maybe you could have asked her if she considered getting a bike herself to follow him?

I'm sure he'd appreciate (if not the company, at least her improved booty post-cycling )

[momof4greatkids]

Hi Darcy, Colleen from Ohio here. Your post is a good insight into the mind of the cycling widow. It's a shame that Aunt Jean won't start riding, and then she could share in some fun activity w/her husband and develop some respect for him instead of resentment.

I work w/older adults and it's shocking how often older couples allow their relationships to digress into seething mutual resentment. It's quite an eye-opener.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your unhappy encounter. But I'm happy that you are healthy and riding everyday and wearing cute new outfits and enjoying your increasingly svelte form. It's a shame Aunt Jane can't see the goodness in that.

[maillotpois]

I'm sorry about the death of your friend's mother, but other than that, this story really made me smile. I could just picture your Aunt Jean saying all these things and getting all riled up.

It was probably good that you were so interested - maybe make her think (1) this isn't such a freaky weird hobby and (2) this is something a woman can do as well.

[mimitabby]

boy, ask Aunt Jean if she'd rather have a husband like my step father. When he retired he announced he was done working... and moved to a house with a 5x15 foot lawn, his previous exercise was mowing. He sat down and didn't get up again until he had to have his hip replaced. He lost all of his muscle tone his legs are like sticks, his vitality, his flexibility. All he does all day is sit and doze in his chair.

Tell Aunt Jean that they STILL spend money, they still don't help out around the house, but at least HER husband can take out the garbage for her or help her out of the car. My stepfather is completely useless!

( I don't mean to sound so harsh, but I remember who he was before he signed his own death warrant)

[DarcyInOregon]

I am back from my walk. I managed to burn 633 calories, not as much as cycling, but that is ok. I met one mountain biker cycling up the mountain as I was walking down, an older male of course.

I actually thought the situation was funny. I think Aunt Jean is one of the older ladies who doesn't move her body, who sits and watches soaps all day, and who cooks dinners that are a variation of noodles, hamburger and canned cream of mushroom soup with cups of melted cheese on top. I don't think it has occurred to her to take up cycling because she is happy not moving her body. I hope that makes sense.

I think what ignited her torch is that I entered the condo and she learned that another cyclist had changed her cycling schedule to show up at the memorial party, but her husband would not do so. In reflecting back on the conversation, it is my hunch that her husband has probably registered for this year's Cycle Oregon. That event draws the older male cyclists, and I estimate 70-80% of the cyclists are males over the age of 60. He probably hasn't told Aunt Jean because of the cost outlay. And he is probably on some sort of training schedule for it. I know last year's tour was extremely vigorous, with daily rides of 50 to 90 miles that were all climbs up a mountain range.

Anyway, it was interesting to view a bike widow's perspective. She is not a happy lady.

Darcy

[SouthernBelle]

I have this evil thought that you should have mentioned that cycling should cause him to be more, er, um vigorous. Then see her reaction.

[LadyinWhite]

Anyway, it was interesting to view a bike widow's perspective. She is not a happy lady.

Darcy

I know a bike widow as well but with a very different attitude. Like you, Darcy, I too have become increasingly fit over the last year from biking and people have noticed. One day this past Jan I was talking with a neighbor who noticed and wanted to know my "secret." Naturally this opened the door for me to tell her about cycling. It turns out, her husband rides every day all spring/summer.

He has several bikes including a tandem to use with the Mrs. He has gotten his twin 12 yo sons into riding as well and the one son actually goes with him on long event rides. She just laughed when she was telling me about him because of course, like you, I was very interested in hearing about what he rides, where he rides (they live just up the street from me), and how far he rides.

She was totally supportive, not particularly interested in joining him and just accepts this as his "thing." Not to mention he's in great shape.

My own DH is a bit of a bike widower. He's been trained to know when he looks out his office window now that if it's warm and sunny, don't expect dinner to be waiting on the table when he gets home! He (and my kids) are just really proud of me, not feeling frustrated about the time away or the cost.

It's a shame your aunt has so much frustration associated with the Mr's riding.

As for missing a day of riding. I went through a phase where I would get myself all wound up if I thought I should be out riding and I wasn't. Particularly recently when I brought the Girl out of the basement during a warm spell and haven't brought her back down to the trainer (or gone riding) since.

I've decided it's ok to be very zen about the whole thing. Spring is coming - not winter. Soon I'll be out nearly ever day. If I miss a week or two now during this cold rainy spell, it's not the end of the world. It's all good.

Try not to beat yourself up when you miss a day, particularly to pay your respects. Contrary to what some cyclists might have you believe - there really is more to life than -just- cycling. Sounds like you got to see some family, spend some time with your hubby and get a great hike in with your dog! A good day all around

T

PS: I love that you are wearing cute new outfits! Enjoy!! It's so fun!!

[xeney]

Aw, see, I kind of feel sorry for Aunt Jean based on that story. I think life can be really miserable when one partner has an all-consuming hobby that takes away any free time they'd spend with their spouse ... and it seems like sometimes the hobby started as a way to get away from the spouse.

Everyone needs their own thing and there are plenty of happy couples who get along fine with different interests, but really, you have to have something in common, something you like to do together, and probably you need to work on making time for the things you like to do together and not get one hundred percent focused on the thing you like to do alone. Otherwise what is the point of being together in the first place?

My folks each have some independent interests -- gardening for my mom, fishing and hunting for my dad -- but they spend the most time hiking because it is the thing they both like to do. I think my mom might actually prefer gardening, and I know my dad prefers fishing, but I think they are a healthier and happier couple overall because they spend a lot of time hiking together than they would be if he were off fishing all day, every day, while she worked alone in her garden.

They do that, too, and for that matter she fishes and he helps in the garden, but I really admire the way they've balanced the his, mine, and ours set of interests in a way that gives them plenty of time alone but also plenty of time having fun together.

[pooks]

... and it seems like sometimes the hobby started as a way to get away from the spouse.

Obviously we just have a little piece of the story, but as I read about her tirade that's what crossed my mind. She doesn't sound very pleasant to come home to.

I agree, it's sad if they don't have enough in common to sustain their relationship. I hope she has some interests of her own.

[li10up]

Even if he is riding 6 hrs. a day that give them plenty of time to be together. I think if she found an interest of her own she wouldn't be so down on hubby. When both people are happy with themselves they will be more likely to be happy together.

[pooks]

She's unhappy about the money he spends on it, the time he spends on it, and that he has two bikes (though that might be the money). It's possible that the money is a real issue and/or he doesn't let her spend money and/or any number of other issues.

But it really does make me think she's just unhappy and hard to be around. I say, don't force yourself to ride a bike if that's not what you want, but find something that you like to do and DO it. Don't just sit and be resentful that your partner does.

[DarcyInOregon]

I actually have a little update to this story.

Remember, Aunt Jean is not my relative, she is the aunt of my friend, the sister of my friend's mom who died of lung failure due to post-polio syndrome.

My friend called after the memorial party for his mom was over. He told me a bit more about Aunt Jean. The real reason for her discontent is that she is convinced her husband is having an affair with the lady at the bike shop. She snooped into her husband's cell phone statements and saw a lot of calls to the bike shop. Ok, now the next stuff I write shows what an innocent I am because I don't have a clue - really. Evidently her husband is well endowed and he is exiting the house every day wearing Spandex that shows everything quite clearly and he is dressed like that when he is at the bike shop. Thus, he is flaunting his stuff and the lady at the bike shop can't possibly resist, and therefore he is having an affair.

As I said, I don't have a clue. When I see male cyclists, they are on the other side of the road going in the opposite direction and on their bikes. When I am at an event ride or wherever there are male cyclists, I am not looking at their crotch, so I don't know.

Darcy

[mimitabby]

Darcy,
I'm with you. I think Aunt Jean has an overactive imagination.
Think of your typical bike shop employee. You think they're going to get
the hots for some old guy in tight shorts? heck, everyone going in and out of that store is wearing tight shorts.

that's pretty funny, but also sad. Aunt Jean needs to get a life. Too bad.
There are far too many aunt Jeans in the world, i know.