Jealousy?

[lizbids]

Hey gals,

As someone who is planning a solo tour of the Pacific coast this summer, I wanted to throw this out there to everyone, but esp. those who choose to bike alone:

Do you find that people react with horror and disapproval of your solo tours due to some sort of jealousy? I know there are well-meaning and genuine concerns for safety (and I always appreciate love), but a part of me wonders if deep down most people desire to do something like this but repress it?
I hope this isn't a weird post; it's just a thought that was burning in the back of my brain. Considering the backlash (and Denise Goldberg knows what I'm talking about!) from my family, I'm beginning to wonder who I take after!

[mimitabby]

yes, there are people like that. My sister was married to one. No matter what she came up with, no matter how wonderful a plan or idea, but he would
shoot her down.

You have to keep your eyes and ears open so that if you are approached by someone like this, you can't let them get to you!

[Xrayted]

I just spent the last 10+ years with someone who is like that. Everything I have wanted to do, he thought I was nuts and wouldn't even listen. As far as my family, they think about how my plans could possibly affect them and then try to discourage me from even trying. It took me a long time to be able to brush off those guilt trips and just go ahead and give things a try. In the end, I finally just decided to do what will make me happy and allow them to learn to live with their disappointment. So, I'm packing up and moving to OR from PA in a few weeks. Needless to say, they are all against it and think I'm an idiot once again. Yeah, I may be an idiot, but I'm a happy idiot.

I say go have a great time. Do what makes you happy. Hopefully someday, they will get it. If they don't, go ahead and do it anyway.

[salsabike]

I think it is also really possible that some people react with genuine worry and concern, and aren't even at the deepest level in the least jealous. My dad would have reacted that way. He was a delightful, loving, anxious kind of guy and the thought of me touring alone would've given him anxiety conniptions. I would have loved him anyway. And I would have gone by myself anyway. I always did. And he always found a way to deal with it.

[DeniseGoldberg]

I think that people react the way they do because you are planning to do something that is well beyond what they can imagine doing themselves, and they are scared for you. Not jealousy, fear...

I started in the world of touring by doing supported tours. Everyone approved. Supported tours stopped making me happy, and I moved on to self-supported (and solo) touring. Before my first tour I faced a lot of disapproval from friends, co-workers, and family. Luckily I had a couple of good friends who supported me - even though my decision made them a little nervous. And I had the support of the folks at the bike shop where my frame was being built. That helped. I continued talking with my friends and family who didn't think I should head out on my own, but I didn't let them convince me not to go.

Believe in yourself, and don't let anyone steer you away from your dream.

--- Denise

[lizbids]

I now see that I'm not alone on this. I do realize that our country's image is such a violent one. It's hard to ignore a media that seems to be in existence to make us all afraid for various reasons. I know family is family, and I am grateful that I have a family at all to genuinely care about me. But unfortunately, like many of you ladies seem to understand, my family shot down everything I ever wanted out of life, and as a result I settled. Now that I'm a little older, I resent that I was put in that position, and a little support for what I enjoy(ed) in life would have been very helpful for me. I don't think we're too old to change, and I'm young enough to know that if I make these positive changes now, I will have a very nice future to look forward to.

And Denise G--I let them talk me out of my dreams when I was a kid, and I'm NOT going to let them do that to me now. Perhaps if I was more self-aware ten years ago I'd be at the Independent Spirit awards watching an actor from my film get an award-----see??? It's the "never-knowing" that feels the very worst!

[Kalidurga]

I often think that reactions of that sort are also at least partially due to the fact that people in our society can't comprehend the idea of doing something alone. Our culture is very much couple- and family-oriented. Walk around some time and look at how few people you see doing anything by themself, aside from running errands.

When I talk about going out biking, hiking, kayaking or traveling alone, the first response I invariably get is "By yourself??" I think the idea of being solitary just freaks many people out. They can't conceive of themselves being solitary, so they can't conceive of you wanting to be.

Please make sure you post the story and photos of your solo trip here. I've been wanting to visit that area, so I'm certainly jealous of you!

[East Hill]

I think there always something we resent in our past--I know I will always regret not having been able to take woodshop and metalshop when I was in middle school and high school. It took Title IX to make my high school allow me to take Auto Mechanics, and even then I was not allowed to take the Advanced Auto Mechanics.

I also deeply resent that I was brushed off by doctors who took their treatment plan for women out of the Bible--you are meant to suffer and by golly, you will .

Fortunately for me, my husband is quite supportive. He has to be, he married me, after all .

So, if I wanted to go solo touring, he'd probably have a problem only in that he would want to come along .

East Hill

[margo49]

People here like to see me riding.
I think they *do* wonder about the solitary aspect (both from a safety and a social p.o.v.). Both Jews and Arabs are very family, social and group cultures. In New Zealand they/we place a high value on being alone every so often. They/we think it clears the head.
Also people think that because I am a cancer survivor and also recovered from a horrendous accident if I do things like ride it is a sign that I am "well".

That said, I think underneath people feel a kind of weird pride in knowing "someone like that" but it gets complicated because they themselves don't/can't do the same and this is what we are interpreting as jealousy. Combined with this, it is easier for us to cope with such a reaction if we call it jealousy because jealousy is "negative".

I know what you mean. Still, you have to be yourself.

Glad you raised this,btw

[lizbids]

Thanks, Margo, yes, I use the word "jealousy," but i understand it comes across as negative--so what word can we use? I'm not sure, because JEALOUS makes it sound like something terrible, when in fact, it would be whistfulness to be able to do the same? I look forward to more of the women's opinions on this matter, and maybe we can get through the semantics to find the right word But, yes, I know what you mean, and I know you know what I mean!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Thanks, Margo, yes, I use the word "jealousy," but i understand it comes across as negative--so what word can we use? I'm not sure, because JEALOUS makes it sound like something terrible, when in fact, it would be whistfulness to be able to do the same? I look forward to more of the women's opinions on this matter, and maybe we can get through the semantics to find the right word

Envious.

And it's likely that all the people you mention are experiencing various combinations of worry and envy- not all one way, and certainly it shows that they do care about you. It doesn't matter exactly what their proportion of worry to envy is though- you should just do what you want to do anyway and take care of yourself. Reassure them lovingly...and then just do your own thing.