Lost the Love - will it come back?

[Nokomis]

Lots of history, seems that I need to vent a bit.
Short Story - I think I'm completely burned out on cycling. I dread the thought of getting out on my bike right now - and feel awful, because I loved it last year.

Long story...

Way back in '03, DH convinced me to take a spinning class with him. After much fussing with setup, I was finally able to find a way to ride that didn't kill my wrists. (Tendonitus - flares up very easily) We rode for about a year or so together, 2-4 times per week.

Then in 04, middle of the Tour, we decided that I was riding consistently enough that we should try riding together. He grew up road biking - and had become more serious about it & attending events over the past year. So, down to the shop & home to learn how to clip in & out w/out falling -- hooray for a meandering sidewalk with lots of grass on both sides! By the end of August, I attended my first ride event - a whopping 50 miles. DH was very patient, he'd figure out where we'd ride to train, give me tips, and ride pretty much at my pace, but pushing me to improve. Then came the rain, we switched gyms & again were dilligent in attending spin.

Once it got warm again in 05, and we had a Great year! We rode the first LiveStrong ride, we attended a number of other events, and I reached a new personal best of 84 miles. My skill had improved, I was in love with my blue bike, and felt that I could hang with him in the flats, even if hills were still a bit of a struggle. Some of his friends would ride with us on weekends - so it was always out with the boys - and I was able to hold my own.

This summer the big goal was to complete my first century, so we targeted the LiveStrong ride which was scheduled for September. DH was ready for a new bike, so we went to Demetri and got a bike fit. We were both riding bikes that were to small. I inherited DH's bike as a 'perfect' fit, and he bought a brand spankin new nearly-all carbon fiber beauty. I tried to be happy about my hand-me-down. All the boys at the LBS would tell me what a great bike it was (unprompted!) and would stand & look at it for a bit. I spent the next month seat shopping - and finally found one that didn't hurt immediately - but still doesn't disapear. Shortly after this, we found out that the Livestrong ride was pulled in 2 months due to schedule conflicts, so we lost a lot of training time. Almost every training ride this summer included hill challenges, and while I did improve at that, in general I felt slower than years past. I had to work harder than ever to keep up with DH, and all of a sudden his skill and endurance skyrocketed. We also joined up with a local group and started attending Saturday rides.

My worst ride this year - I'd just gotten thru my "slow recovery" problems (posted somewhere here...) and was back to riding a decent pace. Well, that morning my stomach was super upset, and I'd visited the toilet more times than I care to remember. We had to hustle to get to the club location to take off for the ride - and he was sure we'd be able to hang with the A group, given the advertised average they'd maintain. Well, we got separated at a major intersection, and never caught up. DH was furious that I couldn't push harder to close the gap, but I was exhausted, and this was only 4 miles in. So we hung around until the Bs caught up, and decided to ride with them. I never fully recovered, and was struggling to stay with the group. Eventually, after a bit of a tiff, I decided to just head home & told DH to finish up his ride. On top of all this, I'd been feeling very frustrated about our infertility problems (and he's fine, plenty of swimmers - tested many times) and absolutely bawled all the way home, sprinted past two cyclists so they wouldn't see, and couldn't stop crying for the next 30 minutes in the shower. I was overcome with frustration that my body couldn't do anything right. When he got home after the ride, he apologized profusely, realized & claimed what an *** he was in what he'd said, and we talked thru everything.

From here on out, every ride felt like work. Even though he tried to take it easy and not push me too hard, I was always holding his speed back. Eventually, we had to do hills separately, because his legs were learning to climb at my speed and not his own. I am totally cool with that, especially since he'll wait for me near the top & encourage me, or double back to make sure I know that I'm "doing great!"

The club rides were hit & miss - I did enjoy the majority of the rides after that & even made some friends... in an environment that wasn't flooded with babies or baby talk.

Then came the century - and I did it! I was able to ride every mile & climb every darn foot of elevation they threw at us. Huzzah! For the rest of the week, I felt as though I could accomplish anything. I don't think we rode much at all that week, and the season slowed down a bit. Work got nutty - here come the layoffs, hope they don't hit! Oh, and work extra to cover for everyone that is no longer here, thankyouverymuch. So, weekday rides dwindled, was just too exhausted to get on the bike.

Eventually, all that shifted into - I don't know what. But the thought of going out for a ride right now is awful. DH is still riding, though not as frequently, 'the season is winding down'. At one point I he asked why I didn't want to ride, and the first thing that came to mind was - it felt like work. It isn't enjoyable for me anymore... and I hate that it's turned in to that! Even the idea of going to spinning is repulsive.

So... I know everyone here totally loves riding... but did you always? Did you ever get so sick of it you had to walk away?

I know it's probably not fair to blame cycling... but that's what I have to let go of right now. I just don't know if or when I'll want to come back.

[KnottedYet]

There are very few things I like to do more than biking. I get on a bike, and I just feel "whole", you know?

But there have been a couple times where I've gone a year or so without riding.

Everything goes in cycles, including cycling.

[mimitabby]

I don' t know about long term, but day by day i don't always want to ride.
My Dh is a lot more of a zealot than me. He rides twice the miles I do. that means he rides with different people than me, and different kinds of rides.
(this weekend he's doing 160 miles the backwards ride around mount rainier and I am doing two 10 mile rides, for example.) When the weather changes
I don't even want to go outside for days...

If you're always trying to keep up with him, no wonder it's no fun.
so yeah, part of what i think we do here is pep talk each other, so you hear all the good stuff..

[spokewench]

I've been ridingsome 20 years total - but don't ever think I havent taken a break - I can't ride all the time. This is how it goes, I might race and train real hard one year; the next year, all i do is go out and ride at the most 45 mile rides, maybe throw an occasional 60 in; and go hiking and go running a little; and go have a beer. We all have busy lives, we have jobs, kids, both, house chores, yard chores, etc. All those things in our lives are stressers. So, you may not even have ridden that much, but riding is a stresser too so all in all those stressers all build up and you just need to rest. Don't feel bad about taking some time off - try to stay fit somehow cause its healthful, but don't worry about riding a certain amount of time per week, etc. Also, when you do go out on the bike, don't push hard, just enjoy the ride, go as far as you want and turn around. Don't try to keep up with the boys all the time, it will KILL YOU! I've found it is okay to occasionally go out with the hubby and guys, but I learned a long time ago that I can't do that on are regular 2-3 times a week basis. It just doesn't allow me enough recovery time! Recovery Time is key - So, try to just enjoy the bike, the heck with the goals, the push, the got to get better and if you do ride, just ride, have fun with it.

People that seem to get into riding often times are perfectionists and also have exercise addicted personalities - so put all that aside and just enjoy what you are doing!

[maillotpois]

TAKE A BREAK!!! Don't beat yourself up. Take a break and ride when it becomes fun again. I see a lot of similarities with you in what happened with me, including some of the "marital dynamics", and I can tell you, it (the love of riding) can come back. I promise!

Here's my story: DH and I started riding together in 2001. I was way better than he was, period. We did some centuries. In 2002, I decided to train for the Death Ride. For me, the problem started with the super specific HRM calendar schedule I was "supposed" to work with for DR. Riding started feeling like work to me. Did the DR, and then just spent a couple of years not riding "much" (I would coach centuries for Team in Training and that was about it). Meanwhile, as I was getting slower and fatter, DH had been dropped by me one time too many and up and lost 30 pounds and became a freaking animal. So , while I was happy for him, it really bummed me out to be the slow one. (I am super competitve also. )

The in August 2004, I decided I wanted to do the Death Ride in 2005. I called my coach, thinking that I should start building a base, etc., and he gave me the best advice ever. Ride when you feel like it. Ride to have fun. So I spent 4 - 5 months riding for fun and at the end of that I did my fastest ever Tour de Tucson. The next year, I did Death Ride and 3 double centuries, along with the standard rides, and this year I did 3 doubles and a 600k. But all along, the riding has been FUN. If I don't feel like it, I don't ride. I don't use a HRM. If I feel good, I ride hard. If I don't, I don't. I set goals that I want to achieve, not based on trying to do something someone else is doing or because someone else (DH) wants me to do something. I plan my training calendar with my goals in mind, but knowing I have a real life, a full time very high stress job and a family and kid who are more important to me than riding my bike, and so I know that there has to be some flexibility built into my training calendar.

DH and I have realized that our riding styles and goals are different, too. He wants to ride hard and fast for 100 miles or less (and the occasional 200k and rare double). I love love love riding fast, but over the last couple years I have found that doing these super long rides is really fun, too. So that's what I am focusing on now. We still ride together (before I got sick and had to take the 6 months off), but I am trying not to let it bug me that he's faster and he is starting to get it that I have different things I want to do.

Long winded way of saying - if it is not fun, don't do it. You had a fun period riding the bike before you got burned out, so I'll bet you'll be able to find that place again. The extra stress work wise and fertility wise is not helping things either right now. Take a break.

[CorsairMac]

Don't sweat it! I was flabbergasted by how many miles I had ridden last year. Thought I could do the same or more this year - not even close. For a brief period it really bugged me: I felt I had somehow failed because I just didn't seem to have the drive to ride this year like I did last year until I sat myself down and had a talk with myself. Bottom line: I didn't have anything to prove to anyone including myself and it was OK to not ride every Sat or every lunch hour or every moment of my day. So on the days it feels like a drudge to get on the bike - don't. I don't even do another form of exercise on those days, I read, or knit or pick a good movie and become a couch potatoe. It sounds like you have a great guy who is very supportive - maybe you can offer to SAG for him on some of his longer rides.....give you a chance to still share the sport with him without having it feel like a chain around your neck to you. Maybe even load up the bike and ride with him during his cool-down period. Or not - either way, it's OK not to ride.

[bcipam]

There are times I'm more active and cycle alot and times when I barely get on the bike once a week. There are cycles (pun intended) to everything. Something your body and your head are trying to tell you to rest, take it easy, do something else awhile. Your heart will bring you back - especially if it was meant to be - and you'll have a renewed passion for riding all over again (at least that's what always happens to me)

[Lise]

Dear Nokomis,

I agree with everyone who's said "don't ride until you want to." There's a lot of freedom in that. When you come to dread something you once loved, it's a clear sign to take a rest.

I know how it is to be an infertility patient. I did it for 3 years, two surgeries, two HSGs, countless drugs, donated eggs for 3 IVF cycles, and a miscarriage. The hope/dispair cycle of that is nearly indescribable. From my heart, I encourage you to rest and nurture yourself. I felt like I'd become a broken, defective woman when I couldn't conceive or carry a baby. Riding my bike has been part of the healing from that. So if the joy becomes a burden, find another source of joy.

I'll bet you get back on the bike some day. It maybe very different from the way you've done it so far with your DH. Find the way that works for you. And listen to that voice that says, "Enough".

Best wishes,

Lise

[CyclChyk]

I bet a shiny new bike of your own would make you feel like getting out there and riding.

A hand me down bike that I didn't really want would make me not love riding so much.

Why should you get gyped??

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It sounds like your biking has been affected too much in various ways by your DH. You're using his old bike, trying to ride at his speeds and on his routes, etc. Totally without his meaning to, his pervasiveness has sort of appropriated your joy in biking. To be fair, you have of course gone along with this trend, it's not all his doing.
If i were you I would get my own bike and go on enjoyable solo rides at first. Something with no pressure, something just fun for YOU. Be good to yourself!

My DH proposed fixing his old bike up for me when he got his new bike. I would have absolutely none of it! I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with a hand-me-down bike. He accepted that graciously, and then he helped me immensely in deciding what bike I should get.
While he waits now for his new bike, he fixed his old bike up for errands, with basket, upright bars, etc...and he likes riding it much better now too. It's also handy for when we have company staying with us.

[Brina]

infertility has a way of sucking the joy out of life. as women so much of our lives are spent thinking about the day that we will become mothers. it is something we assume we will be able to do, and when we can't it is a blow to our sense of self, our belief in our own capabilities, our faith in our bodies to perform.

take the time you need to take off of your bike. you will know when the time is right to get back on. if it is not fun, it is not worth doing.

[Kano]

I thought that too -- if you don't feel like it, don't. And my other thought, ride alone for a while. OR, if you really don't feel comfortable riding alone, find some women to ride with.

And I KNOW your frustration from that bad ride you described: been there, been struggling to hide the "temper tantrum" too. There's just nothing quite like knowing you're having a bad time, and having someone call attention to it! For me, keeping up with DH is hard. I dread him getting a fast bike! It's been brutal learning to just go with what's good for me, and quit worrying that I'm not keeping up. I get where we're going, and usually have more miles left in me when I finally do get there than he does!

Karen in Boise

[7rider]

infertility has a way of sucking the joy out of life. as women so much of our lives are spent thinking about the day that we will become mothers. it is something we assume we will be able to do, and when we can't it is a blow to our sense of self, our belief in our own capabilities, our faith in our bodies to perform.

take the time you need to take off of your bike. you will know when the time is right to get back on. if it is not fun, it is not worth doing.

I agree with this 100%

I think there is a whole lot more here than bicycles. Except for those layoffs hanging over your heads, I'd probably say a cruise or some vacation very far away from bikes for the both of you would be in order.

You don't get paid to ride a bike. It's not your job. It's something you do for enjoyment...usually. If it's not enjoyable, then it's okay to take a break from it.

Good luck and best wishes.

[emily_in_nc]

Yes, you can definitely take a break and come back later! I've done it many times. I've been riding off and on for close to 20 years now, since my DH sweetly bought me my first road bike for a long-ago birthday (he hid it in the guest bath shower behind the curtain, so cute!) Since then I've had countless bikes (a recumbent, an upright tandem, a 10' recumbent tandem, a hybrid, three additional road bikes, a Bike Friday, and two mountain bikes!!) I've taken breaks for as long as 3-4 years off bike, but something always draws me back in, I get seriously addicted, but at some point, I stop to focus on other things for awhile and take years off.

I took several years off while dealing with our infertility too. We went through years of trying, surgery, tests, two ICSIs, and a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was an emotionally wrenching time in both of our lives, and our focus was definitely not on bikes at that time!

Started riding seriously again several years ago, thought I'd never quit again, but a cycling accident resulting in a fractured pelvis in April 2005 sidelined me for several months. Then after slowly getting back out on the roads, I was blindsided again when my beloved father died in a car accident last October. After that, I just couldn't bring myself to ride for many months. It was a combination of grief, fear, insecurity....I just didn't have any desire.

Finally, the desire did start returning. I first started mountain biking earlier this summer, which felt safer than the road, and just within the last few weeks, I finally felt ready to ride on the road again. But on my terms. I'm not doing fast-paced, aggressive club rides or even aggressive rides with my DH, who, like yours, is much faster on climbs, causing me to work so hard that rides sometimes lose the "fun" factor. Instead, we're riding to the farmer's market and food co-op with panniers on our Bike Fridays, averaging 12-13 mph, smiling and waving at everyone, and having 10x more fun!

So, take your break; take as long as you need. Do other things and don't feel bad about riding! While I wasn't riding, we had so much fun hiking and gardening, and I discovered a love for mountain biking when I tried that that I might never have found if I'd kept on road riding. I also found a friend at work to mtb with, and we have such fun riding once a week together. She's better than me, but there's no competition. We gossip and laugh and have girl time, and it's something I do just for "me" instead of always riding only with my DH.

And when you do come back, maybe do some different types of rides. Find a girlfriend or friends to ride with, or a slower-paced social club ride. Riding doesn't all have to be about increasing your average speed and killing yourself to keep up with your husband. That can be fun and exiliarating at times too (been there, done that), but it can also be frustrating and lead to severe burnout on the bike! I've been there too, and I've had tearful rides when I got dropped and felt like such a loser. Now my rides are slower, more casual, and a heck of a lot more fun. Even my DH (former hammerhead) is having more fun going slow with me instead of pushing himself to do A-paced club rides.

You are perfectly normal -- and your bike (or a new one fit just for you!!!) will be patiently waiting when you're ready for it again.

Emily

[Tuckervill]

The whole time I was reading your post, I thought about how much your riding was about HIM, not you. You were constantly comparing yourself to him, and doing it for him and it wasn't your thing.

Sure, it's fun to do stuff together, but where's your individuality? Especially in something so individual as cycling?

What's wrong with riding apart? If we could all ride like men there would be women in the TDF. I'd say find cycling for your own reasons and if you like it, do it your way, not to please him.

I'll bet your bike will be waiting for you when you get around to wanting to ride again. or not. It's your choice. As it should be.

Karen