Insulting compliments

[snowroo]

I am fine accepting that people are faster than me. So if a faster person says good job, I'll take the encouragement and acknowledgement that I'm doing a good job *at my level*. I appreciate the intent.

Heck I'll take whatever positive I can get!

If a faster person says good job, could it be that its actually that you're pissed that people are better than you. You thus interpret that they think they're better than you and thus you interpret that they are being condecending.

The negative is coming from inside of you. Most likely those women were intending positive. You choose to interpret it negatively because of your own "stuff".

You cannot control the words and actions of others. You are in total control how you react to the words and actions of others. You can chose to be a pissy person or a positive individual. Who do you think is happier and easier to be around.

[GLC1968]

I'm sorry but just because you see someone do something stupid, you can't assume intent or lack of knowledge -- they might have done something thoughtlessly or made a split-second decision and then realized that they made a mistake. This happens to me from time to time and I do my best to learn from it. It's ironic that you don't want me to make assumptions based on what I see when I look at you, but you think it's okay for you to make assumptions based on what you see when you look at someone else.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

My only assumption was when you talked about "plenty of experienced riders who do stupid and dangerous things" you meant that they were doing those things on purpose.

If you meant otherwise, then I misunderstood.

[Crankin]

Yes, when a faster person says, "good job," to me I am pissed that they are faster. It feels condescending. Good job at what? Being slower than them? They don't know anything about me.
I realize quite well that this is in my head. But, I don't think some realize how this can make someone feel, when you are trying as hard as you can and can't go any faster, for whatever reason.
Most of the time, I don't want to be going faster than I am at any given moment. But, I would appreciate, a "hello", or "nice day" comment more than "good job." I know when I pass someone going slower than me, I just say, "good morning", or whatever.

[Veronica]

Why does "good job" have to be about going fast? Why is everyone so obsessed with being fast? Okay, I get it, if you're racing. Yeah, I want to be fast when I'm competing. But if you're out there riding your bike for fun, why be obsessed with where you are on the road in comparison to someone else? There's a lot more to bike riding than the being the first one up the hill. I think it's a compliment unless you can hear the sarcasm in their voice. And if it's a total stranger, you have no way of knowing if that is their sarcastic voice or not.

And just for the record at every tri, when I'm looking around at all the twig girls who are guaranteed to kick my butt on the bike and the run I remind myself that MY race is not about them.

Veronica

[redrhodie]

[QUOTE=Veronica;513932]Why does "good job" have to be about going fast? Why is everyone so obsessed with being fast? Okay, I get it, if you're racing. Yeah, I want to be fast when I'm competing. But if you're out there riding your bike for fun, why be obsessed with where you are on the road in comparison to someone else? There's a lot more to bike riding than the being the first one up the hill.

Thank you for that. I totally agree.

[Bike Chick]

You CANNOT control what other people think, do, or say. You CAN control your reaction to them. You have the choice to let the comment get to you, or you can Let. It. Go.

The choice is yours.

You are exactly right, Tulip, and I get my feelings hurt because of my own insecurities. We all encourage and support each other on this forum and are respectful of each other's feelings no matter what our fitness or experience levels are. Does anyone think that would be any different if we were on a group ride? I think people genuinely make an attempt to be supportive and friendly even though it may be received otherwise. How many times has someone said something to a group and you perceived it differently from someone else? It may just depend on what it going on in your head at that particular time.

[mstevens]

Wow, I wish I had read this thread a couple days ago. I've been looking for advice on how to get faster, because my BF finally got faster than me and it just makes me insane. I really needed to be better than him at something. Why? Because I'm insecure!

I got some great tips, and I know I can get faster. But I understand now that what was really pissing me off were his comments. He'd pull away, then wait for me and say something like, "How are you feeling today?" Sounds innocent, but he never asks that when I'm in front! Or, "Are you staying hydrated?" Gee, thanks for caring. Yes, I know how to take care of myself. I.e. I'm not a newbie, at least not compared to him.

But, relationship issues aside (and yes I'm considering couples counseling,) I really do get how a compliment or encouragement can feel like an insult. And it has alot to do with the stereotypical images we all carry around about what an athlete looks like. I sure don't look like one. More than once, when I've gone shopping for running shoes or some other athletic gear, the clerk has asked, "Is this for you?" Assuming, perhaps, that I'm shopping for a family member?

But we're all only human, and it's human to sort information into categories to try to make sense of it. Hence, stereotypes. My own best friend "forgot" that I had run for years, including a marathon, and introduced me to another friend as a new runner at an event. Not much we can do, except speak our truth when we can, and forgive our fellow humans!

[nscrbug]

Interesting topic...as I too, struggle with insecurity in regards to my biking abilities...and really, all of my athletic abilities. I can totally relate to the "not looking the part" thing...even though I have been active and involved in biking, running, swimming, spinning, gym workouts, and strength training for well over half of my life (I'm 44, btw). One my of regular cycling partners is a really great guy who constantly offers lots of encouragement, along with a little "tough love" thrown in for good measure. But sometimes, I find it annoying and frustrating, when he thinks he is encouraging me and giving me a mental boost...when in reality, it's the complete opposite. But I know he means well, so I try not to dwell on it so much. I have pretty low self-esteem to begin with, so it's very difficult for me to accept compliments (insulting or not).

Linda

[Grog]

I've been thinking about this thread on my way to work and back this week, and have had conflicting feelings about it.

The best conclusion I can reach is: if I really want to know (and I'm not sure I would, but who knows.. sometimes conversation risks drawing to a blank), throwing "So have you been doing centuries for a long time?" in the conversation is really the way to go.

[Ritamarie]

My first thought reading through this thread was "Geez, you ladies are so sensitive!" But I've learned a lot from the thread. In retrospect I am guilty of giving insulting compliment (certainly not on purpose!) in the past. I'll certainly be more careful!

[Deborajen]

This is a good thread.--

Last fall, I was running in a 5K Mayor's Challenge. Our Mayor decided in April to commit to a healthier lifestyle - exercise, better eating habits, etc. - and he challenged anyone to beat him at a 5K race in October. So I'm running along at the back of the pack and at about mile 1 (or 1K, I don't recall) I ended up passing the mayor. We were the only two people for a big stretch so I felt like I had to say something. So I told him "you're doing great!" He said "I think they lengthened the course!" So I said "find a good pace and keep at it - you'll get there." Ever since, I wondered how that must have sounded - to be passed by some woman and being told he's "doing great." I'm almost never the one doing the passing. I wanted to be a good sport and offer some encouragement, you know? I admire the man. It takes a lot of courage for a 50-year-old, kind of overweight man to announce to an entire city that he's going to be more healthy and then show his commitment by running a 5K 5 months later. But what an awkward time to try to come up with some profound words. He seemed to be pretty good-natured about the whole event - after the race he was posing for pictures with people who had "I Beat the Mayor" t-shirts.

On the other hand, I got passed during my first group bike ride and got a good laugh out of what was said. It was about half way through a 50-mile ride and I was bonking - bad. I was riding up an obnoxious little hill and a couple of middle-aged men (my age) passed me. They both smiled and one of them said, "you're setting a good pace for us." I think I was going about 6 mph and thought I'd tip over at any moment but, well, I was ahead of them! So it struck me as really funny. I said, "I think I'm about whipped" -- so they told me to hang in there.--

I guess my point is I think most people are trying to be good sports when they say something as they pass - and sometimes it sounds that way and sometimes it doesn't.

[pinkbikes]

I am guilty of all this (and more I'm sure)...

I often offer encouragement when I pass somebody ("come on - you're doing great") even if they are probably not doing great but I just want to give them a little boost along.

I am often told by people passing me "come on - you're doing great" when I am probably not either! And I know I'm not doing great (by somebody else's yardstick anyway) but I'm doing whatever I can and I take their possibly insulting compliment and I thank them for it, because I genuinely expect that they are trying hard to be encouraging and it does give me little boost even if I know it's crap!

The one that probably really WAS an insulting compliment I could only laugh at. I was recently at a cross country triathlon. You swim in a dam, ride MTB and run cross country. I often do this event series in a team, usually as the swimmer because none of my team mates can swim for crumpets and I'm pretty decent. All that buoyancy has to count for something!

So this particular event, the date had been changed and my team hadn't entered, but the night before I got a plea to fill in from a team who had lost their swimmer to a medical issue. I was actually in training for an adventure race a week later (where I was ocean swimming and MTBing) so happily agreed thinking it would be a nice training hit-out. And since I'd serviced my MTB I decided to ride it out to the start to see if all was "just so."

So after the event, where I swam quite handily, I was standing around in my cycling kit ready to ride back out, and noticed a sweet and fit-looking young thing struggling to carry her bike and step over some bunting. So I held the bunting down for her to step over.

And here comes the insulting compliment... She smiled, thanked me and said "So how was it spectating today?" Ok - so not sure there was even a compliment!

So, since my jersey was covering up my loudly-numbered arms, and even though I was in riding kit, I was obviously not athletic-looking enough to have been a competitor!

I just laughed. She's young. Her paradigms haven't shifted yet!

[Grog]

Last fall, I was running in a 5K Mayor's Challenge. Our Mayor decided in April to commit to a healthier lifestyle - exercise, better eating habits, etc. - and he challenged anyone to beat him at a 5K race in October.

[temporary hijack]
This is such an AWESOME idea. I live in a city where the mayor's already in pretty good shape (and good looking, too!), but I would totally encourage other politicos to try that!
[/temporary hijack]

[PamNY]

I just laughed. She's young. Her paradigms haven't shifted yet!

Such a great way to put it! Hope you don't mind if I steal that sentence.

[pinkbikes]

Such a great way to put it! Hope you don't mind if I steal that sentence.

Use, abuse and enjoy it!