Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[bmccasland]

For some reason, known only to Mummy Dearest, has decided to rehash issues from my childhood.... Mom was clinically depressed most of my life, and as most of us know, pharmaceuticals 40 years ago aren't what they are now.

Last fall she sent something, and I responded, in writing. She sent another letter, which I didn't answer after talking things over with my litter sister. Shredded the letter. Mom has never asked me anything directly.

So earlier this week, I get a note in my mailbox about a certified letter from my mother. I have to go to the Post Office to retrieve it, I can't sign the note and have my mailman deliver it the next day. Kind of tough when one works full time. So today I was talking to my Mom, and she said she's sent me a couple of letters that I haven't answered, and she wants answers. Since I've only received one, I asked if that's what's the certified letter is about - that she went to a lot of trouble and expense to send a letter that is difficult for me to retrieve. She gets coy, and says I'll just have to get it to find out.

What if I don't want to play her game? I'm considering three options....
1. Do nothing, wait out the 15 days, and the certified letter will be sent back.
2. Call her and tell her that I don't want to play the silly mail game, and if she has a direct question, why can't she just ask it? (she doesn't do well with direct confrontation at all)
3. Collect the letter, and send it to her therapist - but I'll need my sister to supply the name.

So great wisdom of TE what do you think???

How does one deal with someone who was unhappy most of your life? I'd love to tell her "not now I don't have time, and get out of my hair" but I highly doubt she'll get the reference.

[KnottedYet]

Been somewhere similar, faced something similar, wish I could have gotten a t-shirt out of the deal...

It boiled down to "play her game or live my life" for me.

If she needs to be coy and send certified letters to someone she speaks to on the phone to fully engage in her world, and if you want to engage with her within her world, then take time off work and go get the letter.

If you'd rather live in your world and make her engage with you in it, then don't. You already talk on the phone, so it's not like you are cutting off communication.

Whose mental health do you want to nourish? If hers is a special project for you, devote yourself to it. If your health is your project, don't work within a convoluted mindset with someone whose goals may be very different than your own.

(And don't forget the legal aspect. If there is some legal issue waiting in that letter, it could get ugly.)

Good luck. Remember what they say in the airplane safety demo: put your own oxygen mask on first, then assist those around you. You are useless at helping anyone if you yourself are already suffocating.

It's harsh, but sometimes we are forced to make these choices.

[Cataboo]

I'm sorry about your mother

How do I deal with someone who has been unhappy for most of my life? There are people that I've cut out of my life that are that way - I feel vaguely guilty about it, but I really don't have the emotional energy to deal with people that cause their own drama and/or misery when I have other family members that do have serious life-threatening medical problems that I have to help with. But, it is your mother and if you're not comfortable with just cutting her out of your life... I'd just say do your best not to get dragged into her drama or games (I realize that depression is a serious medical problem, so I really don't mean to minimize it by calling it drama)


If you really can't get off work easily to go get the letter, just tell your mother that, and tell her to mail you the letter non-certified when she gets it back after the 15 day period and you'll call her to talk it over with her. And you can send a copy to her therapist if you think it's warranted when you read it. That way you're not giving into her game, but are still at least being open to whatever dialog she's looking for.

[shootingstar]

See if you can get letter. If can't she can resend it.

Meanwhile your phone line should be open, unless she starts phoning at inconvenient hrs.

This sounds like a situation that might take several months, if not several years to change communication patterns. Hold your line firmly but find ways to express your love (because she's your mother. That's just reality.) that she can recognize immediately and is acceptable to both of you, without burning yourself out.

[lph]

hm. It sort of depends what she's asking. If she has a complicated, maybe upsetting to her, situation to explain, and then a question to ask that requires some thought to answer, I can understand her wanting to do it by letter. Not to be coy or manipulative, but just because some things are easier to do in writing. I find it especially hard to discuss complex emotions on the phone, because I feel that I'm only catching a fraction of what the person is trying to express when I can't see them.

On the other hand, she has to accept that by sending stuff certified (what's up with that, anyway?) in the mail she has to wait until you have the time and inclination to do something about it. She can't expect you to hop to it just because this is important to her right now.

I have a family full of people like this...

[redrhodie]

(((B))) I don't have anything to add, but I know it's hard dealing with a depressed person. Take care of yourself, and do what's best for you.

[MartianDestiny]

Knotted and Catriona said it well.

Put your well-being first then decide how much you want to deal with/help her with hers and on what terms. Much of how you respond to this depends on your own personal circumstances and relationship.

If it were *me* and my mother sent me certified mail, I'd talk to a lawyer about the implications of accepting it vs. leaving it there. I'd WANT to ignore it, potential legal issues aside. Doesn't sound like your relationship is as bad off as my is however.

Shootingstar, sorry to bust your bubble, but love is not "just reality". My mother and I have not spoken in something like 7 years, she's been 90% or more out of my life since I was 12. I'm almost certain there is some undiagnosed mental issues playing into this on her part, but she's never sought help, so I can't work within those parameters. I don't love her; I don't even know her. My only emotional attachments to her are the scars and issues she left me with. My dog, my father, my stepmother sure, I love them, but not someone that I haven't seen or heard from in 7+ years and who did a darn good job of screwing up my life and emotional well being before then.

It's not a given, and a lot of what will determine bmc's decision is how far down that road of un-attachment she is and whether or not she wants to be there.

I tried for quite a few years before realizing that I could continue trying to love my mother despite everything or be a stable, sane person and that those two objectives were unfortunately mutually exclusive. Most of those years of trying were more out of feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I didn't love my mother than out of love in the end; though I didn't see that at the time.

[OakLeaf]

((((((Beth)))))) This all hits a little too close to home for me to have anything useful to offer you.

But let me offer this: People whose issues with their parents are minimal, won't have anything useful from their own experience to offer you. People whose issues with their parents are significant, will have too much of an overlay from their own experience to have anything useful to offer you.

My sympathy and support go out to you. But on a practical level, unfortunately, I think you need to either find the answer in your own heart or talk to a professional.

[salsabike]

But let me offer this: People whose issues with their parents are minimal, won't have anything useful from their own experience to offer you. People whose issues with their parents are significant, will have too much of an overlay from their own experience to have anything useful to offer you.

My sympathy and support go out to you. But on a practical level, unfortunately, I think you need to either find the answer in your own heart or talk to a professional.

I think these are words of wisdom.

[Biciclista]

I think these are words of wisdom.

yeah, really.

[owlice]

Add me to the list; I suspect my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder. I had cut her out of my life. Now I'm her guardian (the "guardian of the person," as the legal wording goes); she was declared incompetent last year. I do this out of a sense of duty, not love. If I weren't her guardian, she'd have been turned over to the state, because my brother, who has been dealing with her for years, refused to be named guardian. Yes, I had a choice; I could have let the state take responsibility for her.

Anyway...

BMC, you get to decide how you want to deal with your mother, what the boundaries are. You cannot change her, but you can change how you respond to her. (I'm sure you know that already; just reminding you!) If you don't like the idea of accepting a certified letter, don't accept it.

I like the idea outlined by another re: not retrieving the letter, asking your mother to ask you the question directly before you open the remailed (by regular mail) letter, and letting her know you will answer within [name your time period here] IF you are actually open to answering her questions. If you are not, I am sure you have your reasons for not wanting to do so, so let her know that... once. That's the boundary. When she crosses it, shut down the conversation immediately. Acknowledge any future letters you receive when you talk with her ("Got your letter, Mom, but knew I'd be talking to you, so didn't open it; you know how I feel about the letters. How about those Red Sox?"), but do NOT talk further about the letters other than to acknowledge receipt and restate the boundary.

I also like the idea of examining why the letters upset you, not because I think you owe your mother that, but rather, because you owe yourself that.

[owlice]

In college, I had a group of friends that realized we all had dysfunctional families except one person.

I still have those friends!

[malkin]

But let me offer this: People whose issues with their parents are minimal, won't have anything useful from their own experience to offer you. People whose issues with their parents are significant, will have too much of an overlay from their own experience to have anything useful to offer you.
(

I'm in the second group, so all I can do is send is my best wishes to you.

[TrekTheKaty]

Yes, that is the important message. We want you to know you are not alone. And take care of #1 (yourself) first. As women, we tend to not do that. I send happy thoughts your way for Mardi Gras

[MartianDestiny]

Withm,

I have to voice some respectful disagreement with your post. Words and sentiments like these spoken to me in person (as I did not discuss anything on the internet when all of this was occurring to me) really added a lot of pain and heartache to what was already a very gutwrenching, life altering, and exceptionally painful drawn out decision process. And, yes, added to bouts of depression and even occasional suicidal thoughts that I was luckily able to (in time, and with the help of some very close friends) overcome (and not act on). Similar sentiments made me keep working at an emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship longer than I probably would have otherwise (after all she was/is "my mother" and I couldn't possibly just erase her from my life without being a horrible, rotten, ungrateful child). (and let me reiterate that this was a very painful process for me that took YEARS of consideration, attempts at a relationship (on any level), realization that I was indeed NOT a horrible person, etc. none of which was ever taken lightly; I most certainly didn't get angry with her in one conversation and walk off in a huff never to speak with her again.)

Yes, parents will always be our parents, and we can't change that "like it or not". That doesn't mean one is obligated to bend to their every whim, need, objection to one's life, or other quark; especially not at the expense of their own mental (and sometimes unfortunately physical) health. More obligated to put forth an effort than if they were some random person you met once, of course. I don't think anyone takes damaging, ending, or ignoring a relationship with their parent(s) lightly or really needs to be reminded that the person is indeed their parent and thus should be of more importance than a street acquaintance.

The implications demonize the victim/child, as if they clearly are not trying hard enough to maintain the relationship. I felt this guilt for a long time. I would have felt guilty/horrible on some level anyway, but conversations with outsiders (whom I would consider my friends as I didn't go telling my woes to people I hardly knew) certainly made things worse and elongated the learning to live with the reality of the situation even though they had no idea or no way to comprehend the situation, really.

Being "used to" something does not make it healthy for you. "Just words" can often be exceptionally hurtful and emotionally abusive. No one truly becomes "immune" to such things.

Sometimes (not always, of course) people do need to just leave situations behind them when it becomes evident that things will not change. Sometimes "running away" is more like being driven away, etc. Sometimes completely leaving a situation and/or person is the only way to get them/it to STOP controlling your life.

Do I sometimes think about the situation with a twinge of sadness, yes, especially when I hear similar stories or around mother's day. Do I regret my decision; absolutely not. I feel like I made every reasonable effort that could have been made and in the end I did what I had to do to preserve my sanity. Without a doubt I am a happier more healthy person today than I would have been otherwise. And I'm living a life I want to, rather than being controlled and manipulated by someone else.

Clearly not every situation will parallel mine (probably no situation will, some being much worse, some much less severe, and some just different) and many relationships probably can (and should) be saved in some form or another. But to speak in absolutes, to assert that a relationship must/should be maintained, that one should continue to subject them-self to situations that are hurtful to them (even if that situation is words on a page), and to imply that one should be "used to" or "immune" to emotionally abusive and manipulative behavior (intentional or stemming from a documented disorder) simply because the other person is a parent is nothing more than naiveté and, well intentioned as it may be (because I'm sure everything you wrote was very much well intentioned), can add to emotional turmoil, guilt, and depression in people going through these situations.

I'm certainly not advocating that Bmc break all ties with her mom, or even assuming that her relationship with her mom is emotionally abusive (only that it seems evident that the relationship is very hard on her emotionally for whatever reason). But really only Bmc is in a position to understand her relationship, what the issues are, what the intentions are (which ended up being a very big deciding factor for me, personally), and what is the best compromise for her (because most of the time it's a lose-lose situation). Just because one party is a parent doesn't make anything any more cut and dry. In the end we can only offer her a virtual shoulder to lean on. Advice, well, I think Oakleaf said it best. And yes, professional counseling, if feasible, is definitely a path to consider (either on a longer term basis or just a few sessions).

And please, withm, let me reiterate that I in no way believe that you intended anything other than to be helpful, as my friends intended as well. And maybe, being emotionally completely on the other side of this, I'm seeing something more and this will be more helpful than hurtful to Bmc. I hope so as I hope everyone can struggle through and in the end come out with more ideal results than I did. Sure did tug at some painful memories for me though.

Anyway, this has been exceptionally long winded, and I apologize. Just felt the need to voice what the view from "the other side of the street" *can* be.