Girls, I need your help! Emergency...

[ridebikeme]

I have to be honest and say that I think we have beat this issue dead! It does NOT mean that I don't understand the feelings of Celery . I do think that we all want to offer suggestions and encouragement, but the reality of the situation is that we don't don't know the entire situation and we also don't know Celery.( and he doesn't know us either)

I am trying very hard not to be judgemental, but I too, think it's strange for a man to go on a womans forum and ask for personal advice/suggestions. Those things normally are reserved for family, friends, coworkers etc...There are times that we all need a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk with, but this forum is NOT set up for those issues.

Celery, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do, but can we please leave all of this with you and the people that are the closest to you?

[Mr. Bloom]

Buddy...you've heard a very clear pattern here...the only difference is my response is coming from a man. You are fine tuning all the good advice with "well but....s" because it's not what you want to hear...and frankly, I'm a bit suspicious of the whole post.

But, if you're being true and sincere with the seeking of advice, here's what I have to say:

1) Fact is that it seems like you messed up two years ago...she's moved on, you haven't.

2) You were selfish then and you're being selfish to interject yourself back into her life.

Move on and leave her alone...you had your chance and blew it...and please spare us the chance of "spilling the beans"

[celerystalksme]

well, it's done...

first off, i guess i should apologize to some TE members. it seems i've ruffled a few feathers by asking for personal advice. i do understand. it is odd asking complete strangers for advice. however, i actually like advice from complete strangers because there's a chance that it's more objective. i did ask some friends what i should do...however, i don't have many female friends, most of my friends are male...and they offered some stereotypical male advice..ie "dude, f her...you don't need her...get over it, it's been years...lets to get you laid". and there's some validity to what they say...and they mean well, they just want me to find happiness. the only family i have is my mom...and she thought this particular ex was no good for me anyway...however, i think she was wrong about that...so her opinion is HIGHLY subjective.

anyway...that's the story of me reaching out to the gals of TE for relatively objective advice.

as to what happened...

i really had no plan when i called her...i still hadn't decided what to do. i just figured i'd play it by ear. so i called her. and it was so wonderful to even just hear her voice. and actually, we just chit chatted for bit. eventually...we started to talk about all the things that went wrong between us, why things went the way they did. it was difficult. there were lots of tears...lots of crying for both of us. she told her perspective and perception of what happened...which all came as a shock to me. towards the end, i guess she was so very unhappy being with me...and that came as a surprise, actually. not totally...i mean, i actually tried to create a bad atmosphere between us so that it wouldn't seem like our breakup come totally out of the blue when i end our relationship. but still...i didn't know she was unhappy with us. and she said she thought i just didn't care about her. and i let her know the truth about why i ended it. and that i loved her the entire time...it never waned. i told her how much i cared for her...and how much i still care for...i apologized for everything. i expressed my opinion that i had made a terrible mistake...and i told her all my regrets. and she expressed how she wishes things could have turned out differently. there were a lot of things said...and it all seems like a blur. we talked for about an hour and a half...until she had to go before her fiancee got home.

she said she really wished we could keep in touch...but i finished her sentence by saying it wouldn't be fair or right with regard to her fiancee. and she agreed. and we both said this will most likely be the last time we ever speak or correspond. and we both cried...or cried more, as we were both in tears for most of the hour and half we talked. she told me she still thinks about me every day, every single day. she told me that i'll always have place in her heart. i told her the same.

in the end...i never told her i still love her, even though i do. i never asked for another chance. i never asked for her back. i never asked her to meet me even though i was seconds away from her (she had no idea i was literally seconds away to attend a friends fundraiser). earlier in the conversation, she told me a tiny bit about her fiancee. and...maybe she is conflicted...i'm pretty certain she's conflicted...but i could tell her fiancee is someone that can make her happy. and i'm sure he is more deserving of shawna than i am.

i'm actually sobbing right now as i type this. yeah...i'm pretty pathetic...

i wish i could have another chance...i wish i could have asked her for another chance. but in the moment...it just didn't seem right. we indulged in some reflection...clarified some of what happened...expressed our mutual continued caring for one another...wished each other the best. and i expressed how happy i was for her to have found someone deserving of her love.

i'm still not over her. and it was bizarre...i'm not certain she's over me. it broke my heart to hear her tell me how much she still cares for me...and how she thinks about me every day...and to hear her crying. it broke my heart beause by that time in the conversation, i'd already made up my mind that the best thing for us would for me to avoid trying to break up her and her fiancee.

it's been about 5-6 hours since we talked. i feel heartbroken...but i think i sense some peace as well. despite her conflictedness, i heard enough to know that her fiancee can make her happy. he's not a bad guy...he's a good guy. and that is a relief to me. because she deserves happiness. besides, i don't deserve her. i'm an idiot.

anyway...that's that. now i have to figure out how to really get over her. wish me luck with that...that's where i'll really need your well wishes!

[shootingstar]

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

[celerystalksme]

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

i'm a little buzzed right now...it's helping a little...

[Biciclista]

yeah, booze. that will help.
32... the new 22

[Zen]

I'm being awfully nice this evening.

[celerystalksme]

yeah, booze. that will help.
32... the new 22

i was being facetious. i had one beer at a friends fund raising event before i came home.

[celerystalksme]

I'm being awfully nice this evening.

you know, you don't have to make snide comments. you don't give a ****...and i understand that...why would you give a ****? i'm no one to you. and yes, i understand you believe none of his is very urgent or important. but it is to me...and i'm doing the best i can...i sought the advice of friends, my mom, and TE...i spoke with my ex...did what i did, said what i said. there's not friggin manual for stuff like this...i didn't know what to do or say...i didn't realized it would be such a faux pas to seek advice of strangers.

if it annoyes you so much, go read threads that actually interest you...instead of making someone that feels like crap feel even worse. that's just mean spirited.

[Miranda]

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

+1

shootingstar... all I can say to that is: you rock.

Seriously...that's one of the benefits I enjoy from pedaling: helps to work stuff out in your head and heart. Just stay alert of traffic while doing it.

OK, Celery...

I for one, am glad the two of you talked. It sounds like she had some "working of things out" to do in her own head. Otherwise, she would have never texted you back, talked on the phone, etc.

I personally find those kind of encounters cleansing.

On the being heart-broken pain... well, here is the thing about that... goes with what my wise friend said on "to live is to chance"...

If we did not have pain in our life / bodies etc., as a reference point, how would we know the difference of what "good" things felt like?

With my pedaling, I like music. It cleanses my soul as well. Be it in spin class, or the right ear bud only on my iPod outside riding. Here's a song for you, man...

"Maybe We Are Not Meant To Be" by Theory Of A Deadman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_knXdRfXd4

Btw, I don't watch/care for music vids; You-Tube is just a way to get the actual tune etc.

Best Wishes,
Miranda

[lph]

Oh my. There is so much I could write on this, but I'll stick to this: don't mistake fond memories, longing, loneliness, infatuation or desire with love. Been there, done that.

Love is something that grows and is nurtured every day you spend with a person, it's shared history, empathy and a continuous commitment. In my opinion you don't know that you still love her. You know that you once loved her, you split up badly and regret that, and you think you could love her again given that the chance was there. It's not. She has a fiance.

And forget the one-true-love stuff. The love of your life is the one you choose to commit to, and who will and can commit equally to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I truly wish you the best! I'm a romantic at heart too, but I'm happily "married" going on 16 years now for much more important reasons than romance.

[indysteel]

Oh my. There is so much I could write on this, but I'll stick to this: don't mistake fond memories, longing, loneliness, infatuation or desire with love. Been there, done that.

Love is something that grows and is nurtured every day you spend with a person, it's shared history, empathy and a continuous commitment. In my opinion you don't know that you still love her. You know that you once loved her, you split up badly and regret that, and you think you could love her again given that the chance was there. It's not. She has a fiance.

And forget the one-true-love stuff. The love of your life is the one you choose to commit to, and who will and can commit equally to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I truly wish you the best! I'm a romantic at heart too, but I'm happily "married" going on 16 years now for much more important reasons than romance.

Well put, lph. As someone who finally met someone I'm ready to commit to for what I hope is the rest of my life, I can finally appreciate the difference between what I have with him and what I had (or didn't have) with the also-rans.

Celery, I do really hope that you find some peace with this. Nurse your wounds for a while, but at some point decide that it's time to move forward, hopefully in anticipation of the very real possibility that there is a relationship in your future that will exceed whatever you had, or think you had, with Shawna.

And if she really is conflicted and decides to break off her engagement, my best advice is to let her sort out all of those feelings and clean up the inevitable mess BEFORE getting involved with her again. Let her get right with herself first.

[redrhodie]

Every day will get a teeny smidge of a bit better, until one day you realize an hour went by without thinking of her. Trust me, there will be another great girl when you least expect her. Until then, go have fun. It will get easier.

[Tri Girl]

I've been reading, but haven't commented until now. I wanted to wait and see what you decided to do. I just knew you'd talk to her and tell her all you needed to- you had to do it. I'm glad you got it all off your chest. It can be cathartic to unload what's been bothering you, and since she expressed some of the same feelings; perhaps you can both put the past away and move onward with your lives.
I don't think you're pathetic for crying/having emotions. I think you're a human who loved and was heartbroken. I feel your pain.

Just when you think you may never love again, you may find the woman you want to be with forever. I'd been through a bunch of crazy/crappy relationships and swore off men for a year to clear my head and be alone. A couple months later I met my DH and we've been together almost 14 years.

There's someone out there for you, but until you find her, let S go and love yourself. Hugs!

And there's nothing wrong with having a drink to cool the nerves. There were MANY days this last school year that I'd come home, have a glass of wine and relax from an extremely stressful day (just so long as I don't do it every day). Bike rides are good, too, but sometimes I'm too wound up to ride my bike and have the attention/focus that I need to on my bike.

[celerystalksme]

Yesterday, she told me that ever since Michael Jackson passed, she keeps seeing the music video for "You Are Not Alone"...and she thinks of me and cries every time she see's it. She's been telling her fiance that she's just having a female moment...and he doesn't question it. lol Other funny thing is...neither of us are really Michael Jackson fans. Anyway, I just watched the video on youtube as I'm not familiar with the song...

*************************
Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...
*************************

God, this is hard. I've never been in this place or state over other girls I've dumped or been dumped by. This one's been beyond hard. I just wish she wasn't engaged...