Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[Tri Girl]

This is going to be long, so I don't mind if you just hit the back button and move on to something lighter.
Ok, so I'm coming here in hopes that you ladies (and maybe men) will have some words of wisdom, advice, face-slapping (to get me out of my funk), etc...

We've been married for 11.5 years (together for 13). The last few months I feel like DH and I are more like roommates than a married couple. We just go through the motions, it seems. I know marriage ebbs and flows and sometimes you're closer than others, but it seems that every little thing he does drives me crazy lately. We're both a little more snippy with each other than normal, and I've been developing my "back up plan" in case we get divorced. I love him, but sometimes I wonder if I should've just stayed single (which makes me teary-eyed). I'm such a different person now than I was in my early 20's and it seems that maybe what I wanted back then isn't what I want now.

We haven't talked about things. We're not great communicators- can't even have much of a discussion or debate without getting snippy. We've never been ones to talk about our feelings (that comes from both our families and our upbringing). I will bring up something this week to him: asking him if he's happy or not, but I don't even know how to approach the subject. I don't want to say I'm unhappy and hurt him, because once you say something you can't take it back.

I think that perhaps this all stems from that fact that I think I am experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I've always been very happy and outgoing, but the last year or so I've become an introvert and sad a lot. I don't know if my feelings about the marriage are stemming from hating my job, feeling trapped where we live (I've always moved every 3 years growing up and I've been here for 16 years), or just my general feelings of sadness. Last week on the way to work I wondered what would happen if I steered my car into the pylons on the highway (more than once). I think I need to talk to a professional.

I don't even know what advice I'm asking from you. Are the feelings of unhappiness with a marriage normal after this many years? When you hit a certain point in life do you think about what you should've/could've done? Is this an early mid-life crisis? Do you think I need to talk to a professional, and if so- how do you go about finding one?

Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I don't have family to talk to, and I don't have many friends to talk to. I feel kinda alone...

[Aggie_Ama]

First, yes I think it is normal and yes I think you can get through it without divorce. We have only been married 5 years but seem to roll up and down from honeymoon to just friends valley. It sucks when we are in the valley but we try to plug on. And yes I sometimes wonder what would happen if I were suddenly divorced or if we had decided to stay single longer, I love my husband but when the days get tough you start questioning every choice you made. When things are good in my life I am confident in all my decisions from my haircut to my friendships to my job. I honestly believe most married couples would like to admit they feel like you do at some point. My own parents got married in 1975 and from the outside it appears their relationship did the same cycles but still soldiers on.

Has he not said anything? Maybe read some cues? Does he seem sad as well?

On the other part, I don't think it would hurt to talk to someone. I would see if your health insurance has resources for mental health or talk to you GP for a referral (if you like your GP). My health insurance book has a section on mental health services.

[gingerale]

Yes! Those feelings are perfectly normal. I've been married just a little longer than you (13 yrs last Aug) and there have been a couple of times in our marriage that I just felt empty inside. It's also funny you bring this up, too, because yesterday in my ladies' class at church one of my mentors was talking about this. She said they have been married more than 40 yrs and she said there has been a couple of times in those yrs that he could have been hit and killed by a bus right in front of her and she would have turned around to their family standing there and said, "So! Where are we going for dinner??" LOL I think it's always good to know that not all marriages are perfect. They do take work. And you're not alone in feeling like the two of you are just not connecting right now.

I also agree it would be a wonderful idea for you to talk to someone. Depression can wreak havoc on marriages and relationships. Good luck with everything.

[SheFly]

You are not alone. My DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. This is a second marriage for both of us. I love him - he is my partner and best friend.

There are times, sometimes extended, however, when I don't really like him. There are days when I fantasize about being on my own again, living life MY way and not being responsible to anyone else. In fact, we are in one of those times right now, and I'm not sure what instigated it exactly. We also don't communicate about it, but the tension is often palpable.

I know, however, that this will turn itself around, and we will end up back in a happy place - excited to be together. There won't be a specific turning point either - it will just happen.

I, too, have wondered if this up and down cycle stems from depression. You definitely need someone to talk to, and a professional is a great place to start.

Best wishes to you as you work through this. And vent here as much as you like - it has helped me often to see that I am not alone.

SheFly

[OakLeaf]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

[Irulan]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

I really wish we had a "I'm with stupid" emoticon. This is very good advice.

My story shares some parallels with Oakleaf, although for me ( us) marriage counseling was a huge success.

Sounds to me like you guys are way beyond needing to schedule a date night, and some sort of professional support is needed to facilitate communication and getting beyond the symptoms here. Depressive issues and lack of communication can have a huge dynamic on a marriage relationship.

Me? Married 25+ years. We've been through depressions, substance abuse, emotional withdrawal and more. A good marriage counselor ( and some individual counseling) gave us the tools to rebuild, and I know have the marriage I could have only dreamed of 10-15 years ago.

It's pretty much a fact that if one divorces before they deal with the underlying issues/factors/emotional baggage, they are pretty doomed to get into similar situations.

Irulan.





Good luck.

[sfa]

Oh, heck, yeah, that's completely normal! I think it would be abnormal for two people to get along perfectly year after year with all peaks and no valleys.

DH and I have been together for 21 years, and of course there have been times where I've wondered why the hell I got married at all and other times when I've wondered if he's getting ready to leave. The worst is when those two times coincide. And yes, being depressed makes it much worse--I went through a couple of years of hell where my depression colored every aspect of my life. On the surface there is nothing especially better about my life now (different job, which did help a lot, but same problems with kids, same cramped and messy house, same old cars, etc.) but having dealt with my depression makes everything much better. It also means that when my relationship with my DH is not at a peak, I have a bit more perspective and know that this isn't the end of the world.

I think there are things you can do, but how you approach it depends on your personality. I'm a planner and I like projects, so I've learned that if I have something to plan for that's six months to a year away, it makes getting through the hassles and irritations of daily life much easier. So I plan vacations or landscaping projects or home improvements (btw, these are to keep ME happy and balanced--if I'm doing o.k., then it follows that I'm happier with my marriage as well). DH likes to make stuff. He's only really unhappy when he doesn't have something he's working on, so he volunteers with Habitat for Humanity and brews beer and builds stuff in our yard. Neither one of us have ever been much for talking over our problems, because I think we both know that we'll eventually get through them. The only time we've resorted to an "o.k., we really have to do something or this is going to fall apart" discussion was at the low point of my depression and we communicated through writing. It let us say what we really wanted to say without getting emotional or heated or saying the wrong thing.

Sarah

[Biciclista]

Ok, this is what we did. We felt more like roommates and the spark seemed to have been gone. We both noticed that. So, in an effort to improve our marriage, we sat down with a calendar. we marked out one weekend every month using the Almanac to find the best weather windows. And we planned that weekend to be OUR weekend. We planned all sorts of things, hikes, operas, plays, volunteer work, carving on a Haida canoe. Bed and Breakfasts, home dinners, you name it, we did all sorts of stuff. And it really helped.
A marriage is like any other entity. If you don't feed it, it will languish. So go get help for depression, but YOU can help the marriage. take him out to dinner (a surprise) with your calendar and make this year HAPPEN.

it works. (next month, we'll be married 31 years)

[lph]

To me it sounds like that is depression talking. You don't divorce your husband of 13 years, whom you love, because of a few months of blah. Yes, it's normal to feel like room-mates. Yes, it will pass. But depression can play a hoax on your head and make a normal little bump feel like something huge. You do need to talk together or somehow express how you feel, not only about your relationship, but other things that are making you feel miserable. But he can't cure your depression for you. Professional help is probably a good idea, but don't forget the obvious things: less stress, healthy food, enough sleep. I haven't been there, but if you're seriously/clinically depressed, medication can be a good way to catch your balance.

I don't mean to sound flip, but I truly believe that a long relationship takes persistence and patience, and sometimes you just ARE room-mates. And I know first hand how depression can just make everything intolerable. If you're going to think about a divorce, do so when you're "happy", i.e. feeling stable and have been so for several months. That's the only time you can make solid, wellfounded decisions.

Maybe he has no idea you're sad, just sees that you're snippy and annoyed, and don't seem to like him anymore. Maybe he's upset about something else, and isn't aware of how he's pushing it over onto you. Maybe he desperately misses the way it used to be but hasn't got a clue of how to get there, and needs your help.

[Veronica]

We're coming up on 23 years of marriage (I was 6 when we got married. ). Yes, there are times when it's not all perfect. For us communication is very important. He really is my best friend and the person I talk to when I feel like my life sucks.

I bet a lot of it is coming from your job. If you are anything like most of the other teachers I know, you pour your heart and soul into your teaching and when you have a class or classes like you do this year, it just rips you apart. I don't think non teachers quite get this. And you probably feel trapped in education - I know I do. Job security and decent benefits in these economic times...

It sounds like you need to talk to someone. It would be nice if you could talk with your honey, but if you feel weird about that, find someone. Heck, sometimes I just spew it out here on TE, like it's a bad tasting strawberry.

TALK!!!!


Veronica

[alpinerabbit]

Tri Girl,
While I’m not married, I am with my partner for 13 years. We have no kids (dunno if you have, don’ think I heard you mention any).
Of course a relationship is not the same it was back when, especially when you got together quite young.

While I have absolutely no clue about you in truth, I get a feeling that the blues you are mentioning is really dragging you down –it’s the middle of winter ... I had a bout of depression for a period in my life and it made me question everything.

Are you sure there isn’t a lot that you appreciate about the current state of your relationship? Is this the right time to beat yourself up?
Maybe you need to get out and catch some fresh air together?
You really might need some help considering the thoughts you are having. I’ve had them and they are not pretty, and they are not worth having.

Why not seek out a counsellor that will see you, and then if you have worked your personal things and you still feel not sure about the relationship, work on that together ...

Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I don't have family to talk to, and I don't have many friends to talk to. I feel kinda alone...

I understand you really feel like crap, please don’t despair about everything. There's stuff worth holding on to.

[Andrea]

I was in a similar spot a couple of years ago, and it ended up with divorce-
I'd just graduated w/my masters, landed a great job, and was starting to get very competitive w/cycling. He was still stuck in dead-end jobs, making poor financial decisions, and generally trying to be miserable with life. Like you, when we first got married, we were great for each other- we were both struggling a little to get our "stuff" together, and we helped each other out. Problem is, I matured, worked hard, and succeeded, and, though he was fully capable of doing the same thing, just couldn't seem to find the motivation. So I decided I'd be better off on my own, and I've never regretted that.

Not saying that you should/shouldn't do the same thing... just giving my experience!

[Tuckervill]

Yes! Those feelings are perfectly normal. I've been married just a little longer than you (13 yrs last Aug) and there have been a couple of times in our marriage that I just felt empty inside. It's also funny you bring this up, too, because yesterday in my ladies' class at church one of my mentors was talking about this. She said they have been married more than 40 yrs and she said there has been a couple of times in those yrs that he could have been hit and killed by a bus right in front of her and she would have turned around to their family standing there and said, "So! Where are we going for dinner??" LOL I think it's always good to know that not all marriages are perfect. They do take work. And you're not alone in feeling like the two of you are just not connecting right now.

I also agree it would be a wonderful idea for you to talk to someone. Depression can wreak havoc on marriages and relationships. Good luck with everything.

+10000!

Find something new to interest you. (I didn't say someONE!) Pick out something from your "bucket list" and at least spend some time imagining how you could accomplish it. Let one foot follow the other. That's the practical advice.

The more theoretical advice: This won't always be how it is. It will change. Either it will change towards a dissolution of the relationship, or it will get back to an easy ebb and flow that you are both happy with. Feeling that it will never change is a form of hopelessness that typifies depression, and so I do encourage you to get help. And have hope for the future.

Affectionately,
Karen

[indysteel]

While I think it's perfectly normal for a longterm relationship to ebb and flow, I don't think your thoughts about driving into pylons are. I agree that you should talk to a professional. Pronto.

I found my therapist through a friend. Do you know anyone who sees a counselor or social worker? If you don't, then check to see if your insurance company--if you have insurance--has a preferred provider. Make sure in making the appointment that you make it clear that you're having some dark thoughts. The therapist will likely try to get you in sooner rather than later.

I've had several bouts of depression. They're downright scary. Right now, I think you should remember that depression colors EVERYTHING. It could be that your marriage is contributing to the depression, but I would stop short of placing too much blame on it until your head is a little clearer. I do think, however, that you should try to be honest with him that you've been down and that you need to get some help.

Like Oakleaf, I think you need to be healthy on your own before you can really address what, if anything, is ailing your relationship. Hopefully, your DH will be open to the process that therapy entails.

Hugs and good luck to you.

[bouncybouncy]

Sounds all normal to me! All relationships go up and down...and having a bit of depression does not help...but I does not mean it will hurt either!

I would suggest finding someone to talk to...I personally like to talk to professional strangers (as opposed to close friends) when I get down like that. It just makes it easier to open up and not worry about if you say something that might ruin a friendship...then once you have said everything out loud it is easier to filter what is said to who in your close-knit network of loved ones.

I recently asked my primary medical provider for a reference to a therapist...and was quite happy with who I saw! I chose not to use insurance because I ran into "mental health" issues when finding a new insurance once...but there were many other factors involved. Sometimes you can find a Family Help Center that will adjust your fee according to your financial situation. I would suggest thinking twice before taking any prescriptions...I am not saying they are wrong!!! I just know that the times I have seen therapists they all want to prescribe something right away and all I really needed was someone to talk to! I came to that conclusion after about 4 visits with each phase of depression.

Also...when/if you choose to see a therapist: listen to your heart! If you don't like talking to the person...move on and find someone else! Remember YOU are paying them to listen and you are by NO means obligated to go back if you do not want to.

I watched a movie yesterday...it was religious but you could take any of that out and just listen to the concept without the bible references and get alot out of it (I do NOT by any means want to make this a religious discussion...just wanted to point out that you could look beyond the religious part and follow the steps regardless it has gotta make a difference!)
The movie is called: Fireproof My Marriage

I have been a horrible wife lately and did some of these things (before I knew about it) and it has made quite a difference in our marriage. Neither one of us are perfect, in fact he still has some quirks that drive me crazy but the good parts far out-way how loud he eats!!!

{{{hug}}} now go get to gettin' happy again! And don't hesitate to come here...I have and always walk away feeling like I got some great advice...or at least something to think about!!!