Have a Happy Period!

[maillotpois]

There's an attorney here who's known for his incredibly mean yet very funny letters to opposing counsel. That "tiny middle manager" thing reminds me of a letter he wrote once that went something like: "I can almost picture you sitting at your deck crafting that sentence. However, since I don't know what you look like, I have to imagine a clown sitting at their desk."

The whole thing was pretty darned funny. I actually scan and save letters like that that I get in some of my more litigious cases.

[SadieKate]

Subject: The United States of England You Go Cleese!

Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and E uropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

[Jones]

Exactly. And we don't know if this letter was published publicly, like an op-ed, either.

I thought this letter was hysterical, so I Googled the name of the author, Wendi Aarons, and found this at Breakthechain.org.

"This humorous editorial was originally titled "An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble" and was, indeed, written by Wendi Aarons of Austin, TX. It was originally published on "Timothy McSweeny's Internet Tendency," an online creative writing journal site, in March 2007."
She has written many things and has several blogs.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

There's an attorney here who's known for his incredibly mean yet very funny letters to opposing counsel. That "tiny middle manager" thing reminds me of a letter he wrote once that went something like: "I can almost picture you sitting at your deck crafting that sentence. However, since I don't know what you look like, I have to imagine a clown sitting at their desk."

Personally, I think this is way funnier and more clever than the "Pull your head out of your a**, man!" school of satire. But to each their own!

John Cleese?- always funny.

[jobob]

This all reminds me of a hillarious Ebay auction a couple of years ago - "LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME". I had put the link to that auction on my blog but it's no longer on Ebay, alas.

But the good news is, the author of that post started her own website and blog and she posted the original auction page here (in pdf form):

http://www.dawnmeehan.com/wp-content...monauction.pdf

And even better, she wrote a book that's to be published in April.

I think that's really cool.

[Tri Girl]

Subject: The United States of England You Go Cleese!

Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:

That was awesome! I missed that when it came out... 4 or 8 years ago.

[Trekhawk]

This all reminds me of a hillarious Ebay auction a couple of years ago - "LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME". I had put the link to that auction on my blog but it's no longer on Ebay, alas.

But the good news is, the author of that post started her own website and blog and she posted the original auction page here (in pdf form):

http://www.dawnmeehan.com/wp-content...monauction.pdf

And even better, she wrote a book that's to be published in April.

I think that's really cool.

YAY!!
Thanks for posting the link Jo. I remember this one and I laughed myself stupid the first time I read it. Good to have another belly laugh today.

[shootingstar]

Well maybe I'm bucking the tide here, but I think that letter from the Austin woman was really rude. I understand what she was saying, but I think her language was incredibly inappropriate. I would never write to a company like that unless they had intentionally caused me harm in some way. (in which case my lawyer would be writing, not me)

Call me old fashioned, but I lament a society where people feel they can freely write to strangers with "f***ing" this and that and "get your head out of your a**", etc. Her letter would have been way more effective without the crude expressions and bad manners. There are a hundred other ways that letter could be just as funny and effective.

Another thing- I fully realize that some women have a hard time during their periods. But I tire of the extreme cliches constantly being tossed around by some women...as though we all are 'homicidal maniacs' with 'out-of-control behavior' and want to shoot ourselves or rip our uteruses out with our bare hands when having our periods. Speak for yourself, but don't include me in this wild generalization. In my mind, the scale of pain and suffering would reach suicidal desperation somewhere in the burn victim or stomach cancer category, not in women having their periods.

Hmmm, maybe I'm just curmudgeonly in my old age. What the heck, I'll post this anyway.

I guess definition of satire is different this days. I always thought satire was abit more cleverly written.

And even if the letter was satirical, the frequent joke or inference that menopausal women are homicidal maniacs or in alot of pain/discomfort once every month, is gettin' abit threadbare and tiresome..especially for a significant portion of women that I personally know who don't suffer much at all when they had their periods. General attitude is: yea, I got my period. Let's move on..what is really new and interesting in life?

[jobob]

I don't experience anything when I get my period. Seriously. Maybe a tiny ache a half-day beofe it starts. Sometimes I don't even know it's starting until it's too late. Luckily I wear cheap underwear.

But I do know women that go through hell every month and I certainly don't presume to speak for them.

Sometimes humor is a good antidote for pain.

Some thought this post was funny. Some don't.

So let's just quite the patronizing and move the hell on.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

So let's just quite the patronizing and move the hell on.

No need to be quite so polite, Jobob.

[Crankin]

I suffered horribly with PMS and my period. I was glad when it stopped. Menopause was nothing compared to what i went through from age 11 to 48.
However, I don't think I would have written that letter, at least in that tone, with those words. While I don't like the patronizing attitude that stupid saying implies, it's not going to ruin my life.
I wasn't a homicidal maniac, just in physical pain. I took a Tylenol and tried to carry on.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

But I do know women that go through hell every month and I certainly don't presume to speak for them.

But that's just it!- they presume to speak for us! The women you hear from most are the ones who talk about 'women' (and they usually do refer to women as a group, not just referring to themselves) becoming homicidal maniacs, etc. during their periods. They make it sound like all women are like this, that's my only beef. They pretend to speak for all of us when they talk like in that letter:

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women....
...Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period?...FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

Yes, it's funny in a superficial sort of way, but it also perpetuates a way of thinking that paints women as hysterically driven by their hormones, not unlike the pervasive Victorian notion of women's 'fits of hysteria' or 'having the vapors'- an attitude we look down on today...a way of saying women were not in control of their behavior because of some sort of biological weakness, and therefore were not to be taken seriously. I realize this may over-analyzing the issue a bit but please forgive me- I like to think in depth about the underlying meanings of all kinds of things. I have been enjoying hearing other women's opinions about this. I know there is no all right or wrong, but rather shades of grey in all things, depending on one's own perspective. And we all do have different perspectives, and yes we can only speak for ourselves, not for all women. I am speaking only for myself.

One of my daughters has to literally spend the day in bed once a month, in terrible pain, faint, weak, and nauseous. I feel so bad for her! Happily, this is not typical of most women.

I personally feel it's not so hilarious anymore to overdo the homicidal maniac school of menstrual humor about women, regardless of whether the comedian is a man or a woman. It's become a cliche about women and is not very accurate. They can speak for themselves, I'm all for that, but I just don't enjoy being lumped in with it. Let them talk about their own horrific periods, but not describe it in terms of women in general.
That's all i'm saying. (are we 'allowed' to post anymore?)
This is still on topic for the "Happy Period" theme. It's always interested me in fact, and I'm glad to be able to express my longtime feelings about it. I have no great malice about it.

P.s. In fact, I just had a happy one, and actually smiled and laughed during it!

[shootingstar]

But that's just it!- they presume to speak for us! The women you hear from most are the ones who talk about 'women' (and they usually do refer to women as a group, not just referring to themselves) becoming homicidal maniacs, etc. during their periods. They make it sound like all women are like this, that's my only beef. When they say things like "Have YOU ever had a period?" to men it sounds like it includes all of us.

One of my daughters has to literally spend the day in bed once a month, in terrible pain. I feel so bad for her! Yet this is not typical.
I personally feel it's not so hilarious anymore to overdo the homicidal maniac school of menstrual humor about women, no whether the comedian is a man or a woman. It's become a cliche about women and is not very accurate. They can speak for themselves, but I just don't enjoy being lumped in with it. Let them talk about their own horrific periods, not mine as well.
That's all i'm saying. (are we 'allowed' to post anymore?)
I feel this is still on topic for the "Happy Period" theme. It's always interested me in fact, and I'm glad to be able to express my longtime feelings about it. I have no great malice about it.

P.s. In fact, I just had a happy one!

I'm trying to get out of calm period..it's just hanging around too long this time. It annoys no one but...myself and my partner. And that's all in this world who needs to know my happy period status on a regular basis.

It is annoying the presumption by some people, especially some men who think that periods always that disrupt women in a major way each month. All is takes is a few women who want to do expresss (frequently) to others who wish to hear..men or women..that they are not feeling well, their hot flashes. I used to hear it all the time from our receptionist at a former workplace with her hot flashes. Everyone knew about them every month.

I have a close, long-time friend who had disabling periods that put her in bed once a month. Once, she nearly fainted as we walked along on a hot summer day. She refused to see a doctor (she was conservative Mennonite) until..it got to a point she had surgery. Long story, some unpleasant details which I will skip. I sympathize the small group of women like her. I did everything to convince her that she had to see a doctor.

Until I started to hear about some menstruation and menopause jokes later in life, I thought menstruation was the most normal and calm thing every month. Why should I not think this way? I have 4 other sisters and mother who never went beserk, never in pain and probably rarely crawled into bed for relief. So I got indoctrinated right at home.... Dear father and brother who saw enough boxes of sanitary napkins stocked up in the closets. But no big deal. This probably all stemmed from my mother's attitude how she raised her daughters... menstruation is not a big deal, just to be dealt with. And her attitude probably came from being with 5 other sisters..we have heavily female-dominant families.

I agree with you Bleekerstgirl.

[Aint Doody]

C'mon, y'all. It's just supposed to be funny. Don't take it so seriously. It's not a comment on womanhood for cryin' out loud!

And the Pokemon cards! All my mascara is now on my sleeve.

[SadieKate]

C'mon, y'all. It's just supposed to be funny. Don't take it so seriously. It's not a comment on womanhood for cryin' out loud!

And the Pokemon cards! All my mascara is now on my sleeve.

What are you doing wearing mascara on a weekend?