coping skills

[Miranda]

I hope you do get to take your dad out alone. Maybe you can send your step mom to the salon for some girl time only activity lol.

Ok... this is partly lame dysfunctional advice... but this is what I've come to in a smiliar situation...

1) have no expectations or "hope" that things will be good... thus when you are already flat on the floor, you have no further to fall with disappointment, somewhat less painful

2) just say "no" and don't go / or do it, activity xyz

3) if present, close my eyes and tell myself that this must be some life character test of strength, and what can I get out of it to better myself in an awful situation

Good Luck!

[Bike Writer]

The frustrating part is, my dad has a lot of good stories, but those don't get told. I need to try to get some of those out. Now I'm getting an idea. Maybe I should try interviewing him, preparing some questions about my family history, his childhood, that kind of thing.

I really think you're onto something here that could make this visit a bit different from your previous experiences. Once a person starts to reminisce they often drop the normal demeanor and kinda go back to how they behaved when they were a kid because they are reliving that time in their life. It would certainly bring a whole new perspective to both of your relationships to share something like this with your dad. I really hope that you can pull this off in the way you want to, good luck with that and best wishes for a better visit.

[tangentgirl]

Good luck, RR. Sounds like, warts and all, you love them, so keep that in mind and make the best of it.

[Susan]

I think the biggest problem with family is that you really love them but they drive you crazy at the same time. So on the one hand, you get angry about stupid thing they do or say, and on the other hand you feel really guilty about that.
I don't have much advice to offer. I love my parents and miss them if they are not here. But only as long as they are not here. And then I feel guilty about it and think that we should spend more time together because I am happy that I have them. Until they drive me crazy within one day...

I try to recall that I love them and stop myself if I start to get angry about something they do and I try to show that I love them. But I don't always succeed.

[rubysoho]

Remember that you cannot change people--how they behave, what they do or say. The only thing you can control is how you react to them.

Agreed.


And repeat to yourself: "It is only a month. This will pass and life will be normal again."

Reminding yourself it is a temporary situation helps with coping. At least they won't be living with you!!

[SheFly]

My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

OMG - I think we have the same parents! And I completely understand where you are coming from. I LOVE my parents, but after a couple of days in my space, I really don't like them that much. And I feel guilty about it - I am the only child [now], and they are in the process of putting my only remaining grandparent into assisted living against her will. I try to remember their situations, and basically grin and bear it. Not sure I could do it for a month, though!

You've had lots of great suggestions, and I particularly like the one about spending some quality one-on-one time with your dad. Good luck, and like Crankin' said - we're not that far away if you need an escape

SheFly

[Sky King]

Hope they aren't joined at the hip and you do get Dad time, sounds like you could possibly get Step Sisters help. Love the idea of recording your Dad, and doing the memory thing. My father always had great stories and funny little sayings like "so I said, let them keep the $50,000) Sadly, now he has dementia and those stories are lost. Even though he is still here physically, I lost him about 3 years ago and so wish I had done more Dad time.
Good Luck and just think someday maybe your kids will write for advice about you - tee hee, that is what I tell mine

[Brandi]

Relatives are like fish, after 3 days they really start to stink!
In yoga we are taught to block out all surrounding sounds and just listen to our breathing. I would start now! Start practicing like making a list of things in your head while they are doing the screaming over each other thing.
Think something like colors and try and see them. Red, purple, blue, orange, etc.... and see if that helps. A whole month? Why a whole month? and where are they staying? Can you make lot's of appointments during the visit so you can escape.

[lph]

I don't really have any good tips, but I sure know where you're coming from

Actually maybe I have one tip. In addition to spending time with dad alone if possible, try to spend some time with them with someone who knows them but who sympathizes with you. Maybe you have a friend who could step in, maybe a hubby. Having someone around to grin and roll eyes with behind their backs can defuse a situation enough for you not to find it so stressful. It makes it a lot easier to rise above things.

[redrhodie]

DBF will come for at least one visit, but I hate subjecting him to it. When I see them, it's an all day affair. You've all given me lots of great ideas on how to curb that. I'll be having some "things to do" to cut it short. They're great for about an hour, then it quickly turns into way too much.

They could be characters in one of those National Lampoon Vacation movies. I'd find them much funnier if they weren't mine. Actually, I think that I hit the nail on the head with that thought. They have a lot of friends, but none of their relatives can tolerate them. I guess the friends don't have the buttons to push like relatives do. Also, their friends have things in common with them, other than DNA.

[malkin]

No wonder it feels like we are sisters here; we all have the same parents!

[redrhodie]

I've been thinking about this thread since they left, and now it's time to update.

I ended up doing what I was thinking of, I spent a day with my dad, while my step mother happily spent the day with her daughter. My half-brother met us for lunch, which was at a restaurant I used to go to all the time with my father when he still lived here, and he had his favorite dish, French Meat Pie, which he hadn't had in years. My brother brought pictures of my father I'd never seen before, and my father hadn't seen in many years. He was young and handsome, pictures in WWII uniform, one where you could tell he was in love with the girl who held the camera (my brother's mother), then at just 20 years old, with a baby, my eldest half-brother. His face was so perfect. I never knew him that way, so absent of hurt and history. So much life ahead.

After lunch, my dad came to my place, which he'd never seen. I warned him about the bikes. He asked me if they were easy to pedal, which I thought was funny. I said yes, unless I'm going uphill. I didn't know he would be coming by, so it was real--not "extra clean for company", the way I usually do for guests. He seemed to like my apartment. I think he saw who I really am for the first time since I was a child.

Then we went out for ice cream, to Newport Creamery, a place filled with memories for us. When I was little, he'd say "want to go for a ride?" and I'd jump into the car in my pajamas with the feet, and he and I would drive there and get sundaes to go for everyone, even Poochie, our dog. This day, we sat at the counter, still the same as I remember it, with its vinyl swivel stools, and ate our coffee ice cream that still tasted like I remember it. It's been there all this time, but I haven't been in many years.

Finally, I took him back to my step sister's place where they stayed, and we just sat on the porch and talked while my step mother and her daughter were still out shopping. They had a great time, so I'm really glad I thought to do this. My dad said it was the best day he'd had in years. So simple, easy, and not at all stressful. A perfect day.

Sadly, they ended up cutting their trip short by a few weeks, because my father's health was getting worse. He was really in distress, in full kidney failure, by the time they got back home. The last couple of weeks have been terrible, very painful, and he was suffering. I thought he'd start dialysis, and bounce right back, but that didn't happen. He died last night.

I'm doing okay. I'm so lucky to have had that last day with him. I'm so glad I didn't avoid him, and that I thought this through and asked for your help. I didn't know how sick he was, or that that would be our last visit.

So, my dad, the funny goof ball who wore his heart on his sleeve, is in a new place. I told him to be there for me when I come, and I know he will. I never for one second doubted that he loved me. Believe me, he was a piece of work, but I was very lucky to have him.

[nancielle]

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Glad that you got to spend some time in places that held special memories for you.

[Crankin]

I am really sorry, Red. But, you have that special memory. There won't be "regrets," hopefully.
And, it sounds like a really fun day, especially the coffee ice cream at Newport Creamery.

[indysteel]

Oh, Red. I am so, so sorry. Your post has me in tears. I am so, so glad that you had some time together in which you relieved happy memories and got to create a new one--where he saw you as you are now. I'm sure he was proud.

Take care of yourself in the coming days, weeks and months. You're in my thoughts.

(((((()))))),

Kate