Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[Cataboo]

I'd also disagree that running away is somehow letting someone continue to control your life. And that somehow if you're used to someone treating you like ****, you become used to it and immune and that it's okay to be treated like ****. By that logic, all women who are getting beaten by their husbands should just stay in their marriages.

Yes, families are difficult... and as much as possible, people should try to work everything out and do what they can. But the reality is, that sometimes people just suck and just because they're related to you by an accident of birth and genetics and you love them, doesn't mean that you have to keep them in your life or that it's healthy to do so. The fact that someone is related to you doesn't mean they get a pass on their behavior. It does mean you forgive them for more and give them more chances, but at some point, enough is enough.

I could go into details, but hey, I use my real name on the internet

[Zen]

And here I thought my family put the funk in dysfunctional...what a lot we are here. One thing for sure, there's always a sympathetic ear here and, more often than not, some good advice.

[TrekTheKaty]

In the meantime it might help to examine carefully why this upsets you so. You know what to expect from your mother. Clearly she has not changed after what 30-40-50 years? By now you ought to be used to, if not immune, to her behavioral quirks an and just chalk it up to "my crazy mother."

I would have to respectfully disagree with this statement. In my personal situation, I am sure my stepmother could could dissolve the self esteem it took me 20 years to reestablish with a glance. I don't give her the opportunity.

I admire shootingstar for reaching out for support from her cyberfriends. If she was friend from my hometown, I would meet her for coffee, a hug and just to listen. She needs our support. I hope our suggestions haven't confused her even more, but what are sisters for?

[shootingstar]

I would have to respectfully disagree with this statement. In my personal situation, I am sure my stepmother could could dissolve the self esteem it took me 20 years to reestablish with a glance. I don't give her the opportunity.

I admire shootingstar for reaching out for support from her cyberfriends. If she was friend from my hometown, I would meet her for coffee, a hug and just to listen. She needs our support. I hope our suggestions haven't confused her even more, but what are sisters for?

Perhaps you meant bccmsland who originally asked for people's opinions/ideas? Not that myself and 5 siblings have problem with a mother who is quite controlling, on top of the linguistic gap..I just haven't bothered to get into details 'cause I really don't expect many people here to experience high family conflict due to linguistic gaps, on top of major personality weakness in a parent.

But it's ok. We'll survive..though we're worried now with my father having cancer..he the language intepreter, family mediator..etc. Certain things are better, other things not and never will be.
I'm not a mother and I question myself if i could have been a good mother. Honest.

[shootingstar]

Shootingstar, sorry to bust your bubble, but love is not "just reality". My mother and I have not spoken in something like 7 years, she's been 90% or more out of my life since I was 12. I'm almost certain there is some undiagnosed mental issues playing into this on her part, but she's never sought help, so I can't work within those parameters. I don't love her; I don't even know her. My only emotional attachments to her are the scars and issues she left me with. My dog, my father, my stepmother sure, I love them, but not someone that I haven't seen or heard from in 7+ years and who did a darn good job of screwing up my life and emotional well being before then.

It's not a given, and a lot of what will determine bmc's decision is how far down that road of un-attachment she is and whether or not she wants to be there.

I tried for quite a few years before realizing that I could continue trying to love my mother despite everything or be a stable, sane person and that those two objectives were unfortunately mutually exclusive. Most of those years of trying were more out of feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I didn't love my mother than out of love in the end; though I didn't see that at the time.

Sorry to hear this Martiandestiny.

We literally have a minimal language base with our mother..meaning we have lost so much Chinese fluency that it can be difficult to communicate complicated issues and feelings ...by phone or in person. However it has taken several years to figure out what expressions of love works between her and each of us.

She phoned me a few weeks ago to wish me happy birthday. She said this in English to me..because we never learned what the Chinese version. I thanked her but said in such a way..was to thank her..for bringing me into this world. I really meant what I felt and said. And I really think she did phone me to wish me well.

So very simple words can have big, deep meanings in some family conversations.

[Selkie]

B - It sounds like your mom has had a long term, serious mental health issue (my mom suffered w/one her entire adulthood so I understand the road you've been down and what you're facing now...). This isn't a communication issue and you have absolutely no obligation to accept the letter, let alone read it. I agree with Knott and Cat---you have to do what's right for you first and foremost. Your well being is the most important thing. Trust your instincts about this.

[Flybye]

Here might be a possibility.

1. Tell her that you aren't going to play the games. You will let the letter be returned to her. If she would like to mail it back to you regular mail, then you will open it. You will open it only under the following condition: that she ASK you directly the question that is in the letter before you open it. Then you will be allowed a full week to consider your answer. If the question in the letter is different than the question she gives you over the phone, then you will have the option of doing ______ . (Whatever you feel necessary). (Might be sending the letter to her therapist).
2. You will not accept letters from her in the future. They will be unopened whether sent registered mail or regular mail.

As for sending the letters to her therapist, there is the possibility that she worked with her therapist to write the letters.

Sorry

[TrekTheKaty]

I also have a difficult family dynamic. My stepmother (who raised me) is "nuts." Both myself, my half-sister and her three other children have "divorced" her. We don't answer phone calls or letters. It's for my own mental health. She is mentally abusive. She has spent her whole life making everyone around her miserable, so I no longer care about her feelings. It's the best thing. It took my half-sister almost 50 years to cut her out. I did it at 25 and never looked back. It's not the only family member I have turned my back on, but I believe in honesty and don't have time for the drama and games. There is guilt. Only you can decide when enough is enough.

And I only send certified letters when I want legal proof someone received my correspondence, so I have to ask "What the f@#$?" (sorry).

[bacarver]

This forum helps us feel less alone.

My mother has depressive personality disorder. She was always dreary, negative, sarcastic, and critical when I was growing up. My parents parted when I was 6. She still carries her black cloud with her everywhere. There is no humor in her world.

Those with personality disorders tend to play games, and people get sucked in to the chaos.

I would encourage you to save all "evidence" rather than avoiding, throwing away, or discarding. This is up to you. I feel that there will be a time when I need to prove to some people that I wasn't the problem.

My mother couldn't handle it when I found the man I planned to marry
(1989). She started a campaign to destroy me and it got ugly and stayed that way for 3 years. I was a shell of a human by that point and had to make a hard decision to walk away from her. She recruited my brother to take her side and he rejected me also. I have struggled for almost 20 years to live with this. It has gotten easier as I've gotten older. My perspective is healthier. My mom and brother should not have the power to take my time on this earth away from me.

I have tried to write to my mother and brother. She refused to respond. My brother set a trap for me and hurt me deeply when I realized he was just getting information to pass on to her.

The years of blaming myself have been hard. Families are supposed to be loving and supportive. My father is a schizophrenic/alcoholic. I got a crappy deal all around.

There are others out there who have similar situations. I intend to survive this and to be free of the self-blame that steals my joy. I have a good husband and my life is what I make it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not the way a mother-daughter relationship should be.

Barb

[bmccasland]

Thanks everyone... I'm still mulling things over. For the next two days it's a moot point, as monday is a federal holiday, and tuesday is a local holiday - MARDI GRAS! This city is in full party mode, no mail delivery or open post offices until wednesday.

But I think that if she can't ask me directly, then I'm not going to play the game. She always was a passive-agressive one. She's the one I've learned it from, and over the years, I've learned to be more direct, less fustration in the long run.

sigh

[sgtiger]

((((((Beth))))))

I want to add my support. And whatever you choose to do I hope you honor yourself first.

I too have a complicated relationship with my mother, so I can understand the uncertainty and hesitation of engaging in a situation that may bring up unpleasant and painful memories. Personally I deal better with people who I can clearly see are trying to be a better person now than someone who constantly brings up the past to apologize or explain it away. For me, somehow, it feels like they are trying to trivialize the helplessness and hurt I experienced as a child, especially if their actions have not truly changed.

Soo

[colby]

I know we all come from different situations, but I see elements of my own life in these, and I appreciate hearing how other people cope. I love this forum.

[arielmoon]

When I was in college my parents got divorced. It was pretty messy and my mom decided I had sided with my dad when he came to me to tell me he wanted leave my mother and I told him I wanted him to be happy. This after hearing how unhappy my mother was since I was about 8. Anywho, my mother was a debutante and she insisted I do it too even though I said I didnt want to for years. It went against things I believed in and I refused to be all cutsie with girls that wouldnt talk to me in high school.

I got a long certified letter telling me what an ungraceful child I was. She listed all the things she did for me- driving me to swim practice and soccer and basketball and so on. The gist of this was that she did all this for me not because she loved me but because she wanted something in return. Well, I didnt speak to her for 5 years after that. Then I decided that life was too short and I just forgave her in my heart. She never apologized but one day she sent me a tape of some uplifting something or other and admitted she made mistakes raising us kids. (My older brother had gotten a similar certified letter and he didnt speak to her for 6 years).

My mother wrecked me mentally as a child to the point that I didnt trust her to tell what was going on in my life. I learned to shut her out when I would hear her telling all her friends what I had confided in her. Going away to boarding school was a blessing for me and I could finally breath. At different times I have been tempted to tell her how hellish she made my childhood but I honestly cant see what good it would do. She did the best she could at the time.

These days she doesnt even attempt to tell me what to do or be manipulative although she tries it on my siblings.

My advice is not to play the game but also be compassionate and forgiving. For whatever reason she is going back to the past to rehash. I think you should let look to the future!

[shootingstar]

Quite a discussion leading up to ....Mother's Day.

[tulip]

Shootingstar--I don't know when Canadian Mother's Day is, but the US version isn't until May, so some of us have some time to muster whatever we need to in order to buy a card and let Hallmark do the talking. My mother is a delight, now...but that was not always the case. All I can say is, thank goodness for lithium.

And yes, I'm struggling with all sorts of issues stemming from my childhood. But I won't go into that here. I'm making great strides in living in the present and looking towards the future. I've looked back enough to realize that I can't change what did or did not happen in the past, but I can change my present actions. Usually that works.

* * *
From time to time, I get looks of judgmental pity (often mixed with a hint of envy, I might add) when people find out I don't have kids. Really, it's no wonder!

* * *

All my best, Beth (and whoever else needs a supportive hug).