My ride's gone ka-blooey

[latelatebloomer]

Hi, pals. Just thought I'd share about the past week after my faceplant on last Saturday. The bruises and shiner are fading out. Now I'm working on my mental game. I went out last Monday evening and barely managed a slow, wobbly, panic-stricken 3 miles. I talked to myself the whole way, but it was dreadful, I was near tears. On the bike or off, I was terrifying myself. Tempted to just give it up. I think a few things were coming into play. One is - at 46, this is my first sport. No experiences getting smacked by a soccer ball or crashing into a baseman in softball, taking my lumps, breaking a bone, no nothin'. Not even falling out of a tree. I did take some tumbles from my horse when I was a kid, but I didn't even know you could get hurt by that, so I didn't, and don't even remember being scared. Another thing is, I work at a brain injury rehab - so I hear all the time about what should have been inconsequential falls becoming life-changing events. And lastly, I deal with a kind of PTSD from tough stuff that happened when I was a kid, so one bad scare can open up a kind of abyss of fear that takes a while to close up again. Intrusive thoughts, etc.
I'm not throwing a pity party, but this will wreck my new-found love if I don't get over it. I've been doing a lot of self-talk, wrote some affirmations (I am a safe and confident rider, I relax and enjoy my ride, etc) and I've done 2 more rides, about 8 miles or so. I've gone out at dinner hour, when traffic is very light, and I'm picking the gentlest route I can. Last night was better, I even smiled once or twice. I was originally planning a club ride tomorrow evening, but I don't think I'm ready. What I'm thinking on now is a week of short, sweet rides by myself. By then, hopefully, my confidence/relaxation will be back. Right now, I don't even feel like I'm ready for help from a ride leader, unless they're also a shrink.
Ah, and I'm bummed because Charles just left for a 20 mile-plus ride, and I knew I wasn't up to it yet. Maybe it's a good sign that I'm bummed. Maybe I need reassurance that other women have gone through this and come out the other side to have a joyful ride again. Thanks for listening. Again.

[Brina]

I admire your resolve to overcome this and continue to participate in this wonderful sport. Just stick with it and your will get past the trauma and love riding again.

Two years ago I took a nasty fall off of my skis and broke my collarbone. I have a long and injury plagued athletic career and I didn't think that I was mentally affected by the fall and injury at all. The following winter I did not get to ski just due to life. When I went this past winter I was skiing very tentatively. My husband recognized it but didn't say anything for fear that it would make me self consious and therefore make my skiing even worse. On day 3 of our trip i told him I needed to take a lesson to get past this and only then did he tell me that he had noticed my lack of confidence as well. I spent a half a day with a female instructor and it was like night and day. The rest of the trip was like old times.

Give it time, get help when you need it and it will come back.

[tulip]

In 2003 I was in a bad, bad cycling accident. I don't remember much, but I woke up in a helicopter, if that give you an indication of the nature of the crash. My helmet was cracked in three places; thank goodness I was wearing it! I had a bad, bad concussion, but nothing life-changing, thankfully. I also had face abrasions and a huge bruise on my hip.

I took a month off from the bike and anything strenuous. It took me several weeks to feel comfortable going up and down stairs.

The first time back on my bike (I commute to work), I was crossing a busy street with the WALK signal at a crosswalk...and a bimbo on a phone runs the red light and HITS ME! Can you believe it! Luckily, she realized what she was doing and was able to almost stop before hitting me, so the hit was not hard--really a bump. But, still!

After that was all taken care of, I got back on my bike right away...like after I and another pedestrian chewed her out. I don't think she'll be talking on the phone while driving through Georgetown traffic anymore.

Since then, I've been a year-round commuter, 28 miles round trip through the streets of DC. I bought a new road bike last fall and have started going on longer rides (longest is 40 miles, and next week I plan 50).

On a deeper level, the accident (the first one) really made me realize how unbelievably lucky I am to have every day, and every minute of every day. I'm now EXCITED just to wake up and live life, and I refuse to let anything get in the way of that. People ask me why I ride my bike to work, or why I take the stairs instead of the elevator, and my reply is BECAUSE I CAN! If I couldn't, I would be wishing that I could, but I CAN so I DO!

I think the key is to somehow make the positive outshine the negative. Imagine a successful ride the night before your ride, and then as you're riding, too. I think visualization is important. It's used by pro athletes alot. Dread is a powerful emotion, but so is anticipation. They are similar, but opposites.

Keep at it! You can do it!

[bouncybouncy]

hey late...you sound like you are doing the right by you! and that is all you can do!

i am still coming back emotionally from a wreck that involve 3 people (all of which are fine!!!) that were taken away in ambulances...i was not hurt (MINOR scratch) but i bent front wheel beyond truing and had to have derailer hanger pulled back to straight (gotta love steel!) i still have issues with drafting, but when i find myself behind a strong experienced rider i do much better! if the person in front of me or in a paceline that is squirrely i have to hop out and just ride by myself! but to get to a point where i could draft again took many months and many, many hyperventalating rides! (everybody wanted to give me their asthma inhaler...haha...little did they know it was nerves) i have stopped hyperventalating but i still feel i am worn out faster cause i am emotionally exhausted from facing fears! something i crave mtbing but road riding has been a different monster for me?!?!

there are many stories here at TE...cycling has been a soul-saving experience for me and i would have a hard time giving it up!!! one i know has given up cycling for other enriching activities after a long grueling recovery....but only you will know what is right for you!

you sound like you are anxious to get back in the saddle...just do not push yourself too hard and enjoy those slow recovery rides!

the thrill of courage is overcoming your fears!!!! best wishes and strong vibes being sent your way!!!

[Sheherazade]

It seems you are getting good advice from others. I have no bike crash story to tell, but as I mentioned in another thread, I have spent some time in the Middle East and I do have a tale or two. A year in Mosul and another six months in Baghdad led to some rather lively situations at times. Mosul scared me badly; in the fall and winter of 2004 the violence level was unbelievable. I was shot at, mortared, rocketed, and car bombed. I am not in the military- I went over as a civilian contractor; I was in dire financial straits and needed the money. As bad as things got- and they got bad, I had four friends killed up there- the fear wasn't as bad as going home and living with the financial worries. I don't need the money anymore, but I still go back in from time to time for a month or so. Why? Mostly because it's better if I go than someone else; I know what I am getting into. I don't like it, but I do it- someone has to, and it may as well be me. If these experiences have taught me anything, it is that misfortune is often the result of random caprice. Things happen and there isn't a thing you can do about it, so it's useless worrying over it. You can control how you live, and I am betting you will rise to the challenge.

You will be fine- just give yourself a bit of breathing room then step up and take another shot at it. Your three-miler is a start; I wasn't kidding when I said it does get better

wendy

[Selkie]

Great advice all around here.

Late Bloomer--You're back on the bike. That's something to be proud of. Time is the key. As you ride more, you'll get more confident. In the meantime, we're all rooting for you here.

[Faust]

I admire your determination so much. I scraped my knee and it took me 4 days to get back on my bike. Hearing you tell your story helps me know that it'll be ok. We just have to keep on ya know. I keep telling myself that my scrape was a training exercise. I learned that I can fall and turn around and keep riding. Keep up the good job!

[JoyfulGirl]

Hi, I don't have any bike specific advice but I wanted to wish you luck. Don't have experience specifically being hurt biking and afraid to try again.. But yesterday I tried to deal with a phobia of my own and did a terrible job of it. Was actually thinking about it while I was reading posts here.
I can empathise with the PTSD.. Sometimes even unrelated things open up a mouth to hell of other things which are overwhelming beyond reason and beyond what started the downward spiral of worry or even flat out terror. All of my sympathies.
Wanted to let you know though, that somehow reading your post has made me more confident about overcoming my own phobia. Other people have done it, You can do it. And I'll be able to do it to. Sorry if this comes across as naively optimistic. Your post has helped me relax about my own fear... Thank you for that.

[Nanci]

Hey LLB- I can totally understand the part about working at the brain rehab place. I worked in an ER for 10 years- I was afraid of diving, running my horse too fast, motorcycles, mowing with a tractor, changing lanes on a bridge, running the furnace in our motorhome- you name it!!

Nanci

[latelatebloomer]

You all have helped me so much. I felt like such a coward - now I can tell myself it's just part of the normal healing process and let it unfold. I know I'm not a quitter. Thank you so much for understanding and being there.

I've been wondering about putting some wider tires on my bike...The woman who sold me this bike gave me a fatter set and thought they'd be a good idea since I was such a beginner. Ride leader said, "Naw, you're fine." (He's a good guy, but he's never been in my shoes in terms of being a...well, a late, late bloomer.) Now I'm wondering if I need the extra stability. But I sure don't want to feel like I'm on a hybrid again. Thoughts?

[DeniseGoldberg]

How narrow are the tires on your bike now? And how much of a difference with the wider set that you have?

I'm actually not convinced that a switch in tires will help, although if you think that will make you more comfortable then go for it! It sounds like you do want to continue riding; you may just need to give yourself some more time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that - it takes time to get over crashes like yours. I don't know how to tell you to do this, but please try not to let fear take over. Take the time you need, but plan to rejoin your bike rolling down the road.

I almost think that I was lucky in my own recovery because I actually don't remember the accident. I wanted to get back on my bike right away but I had to wait for some healing first; maybe that served as a built-in getting mentally prepared to get back on my bike.

I'm joining everyone else in sending healing (and soothing) thoughts your way.
--- Denise

[latelatebloomer]

Denise, I'll measure those tires and get back to you. I did my most relaxed neighborhood cruise yet tonight - on the hybrid. I found a bit of metal in the rear tire of my roadbike, and was all geared to ride - so I just changed shows and pulled down my Cypress. It was like riding that gentle old pony that never threw you...It felt weird to be so upright and high off the road - victorian, even - enjoyable, too. I'll just keep at it, get my tire fixed, and keep visualizing safe, confident, beautiful rides.


(ps to joyfulgirl - I spent years dealing with dental phobia. It took a lot of attempts and setbacks. pm me if you want to talk about it. If I can sit in the big chair for a crown, you can deal with your phobia, too. It is like me getting back my ride, it will take the time it needs to take )

[Grog]

Denise, I'll measure those tires and get back to you.

The width is printed or embossed somewhere on the side of your tire, something like 700 X 35... Easier than measuring!

[susiej]

LLB, I think you're pretty brave for getting back on!

The thought of falling terrifies me so much it took four years to move my seat position into something approaching the right height! And the first time each year on the road bike, feeling like my hips are higher than my head?

Best of luck with recovery on and off the bike!

[tprevost]

LLB,

You are doing a great job of working through your fear! I don't have a bike fall to blame but earlier this year I was rollerblading on a downhill that was way beyond my skill level and I fell and broke my arm. I started riding my bike again before I even got my cast off but let me tell ya, decents are very scary for me. I am scared of getting out of control again; HOWEVER, I have been working very hard on this, visualizing a smooth trouble free decent (sometimes I have to remind myself to do this!) and I take it slowly. I have improved dramatically since March and even though I still have a long way to go, I know I will get there... and you will too!

Take things slowly and at your own pace and your confidence will return! Keep us posted, we are cheering for you!

Tracy