Dear So and So

[Veronica]

Dear Clueless Drivers,

I am riding faster than you think. You really should plan to merge behind me rather than cutting me off and causing me to brake hard to avoid hitting your car. It would cost you maybe ten seconds. You should count yourselves lucky that I like my bike too much and think it's too pretty to allow it to run into your ugly, fossil fuel burning, steel cages.

Sincerely,

Nearly Roadkill

[Nanci]

Dear Toilet User(s),

Please check to make sure everything goes down before you leave the bathroom.

Nanci

[DrBee]

Ewwwwwwwwwww - but so true.

[carback]

Dear oh, you know who you are,

Thank you for our first (and last) date. While you are cute, funny, smart and sexy, you could really use a few first date pointers. Allow me to help you out:

1) Do not talk about your ex-girlfriends unless prompted. And even then.
2) If you disobey rule 1, please do not tell your date how sweet, nice and petite your ex-girlfriend is/was. We don't want to know.
3) If you invite your date on a bike ride, it'd be really nice to actually ride WITH her instead of zooming ahead and showing off your supposed bike prowess when really, she couldn't give a sh*t less that you can do a slalom course through lampposts, thereby dodging people and commanding a fair whack of disrepect
4) Ask her questions.
5) That's great that you love motorcycles. It's OK mentioning it once. It's even OK to mention it several times. But to ramble on a 15-minute dissertation about the intricacies of its ignition system isn't. Unless your audience seems geniunely interested. Your date's glazed over expression, coupled with an inability to ask any follow up questions is a good indication she doesn't care and is probably compiling her grocery list in her head.
6) If you've jumped the shark (lost interest), don't think you're doing anyone a favour by extending the date into a 2nd day. Really, your date would have been happier going for a ride with friends instead.
7) Ask more questions. About her.
8) and most importantly, be interesting and INTERESTED.

Good luck out there. I think you're going to need it.

[Lise]

Yeah. Like carback said!

...and: When you write your follow-up email, the phrase "I hope lunch wasn't too painful for you ;-)" is not enticing.

A 10 minute riff on why we need to re-establish the gold standard as the basis of our currency is boring.

Your former step-son did not wreck your marriage. Telling me the same story three times does not make it so.

Checking to make sure I'm of Northern European descent first doesn't mean I'll be OK with your anti-Semitic or racist comments.

Don't tell me how the last three women done you wrong. It makes me not want to be #4 when you're out with #5.

If you don't want to see me again, or you don't want to keep the date you made with me, have the decency to say so. I'll get over it, and really, you can endure the momentary discomfort of seeing or hearing my response. I'll be polite. If you're not man enough to tell me directly, send an email. Good grief.

Similarly, if I say it's not working for me, please have the dignity to walk away. I will.

The above based on dates with a variety of guys I met on-line.

[snapdragen]

Dear Department Managers - please do not attempt to blame your the $1 million dollars in outstanding claims on me. I run the production, I transmit the claims, and provide you with the reports. It's up to you to follow up on them, not me. Try to pin this on me and I will nail you to the wall......

Love,

Your pizzy IT Technician

[Nanci]

Dear Event Photographers,

Could you please use the skinny filter, and give me fair warning so my face isn't frozen in the Dead Elvis Grin?

Thanks!