Dear God of body parts,

While I am grateful for still having all of mine, I request a "stop work order" on the rebellious ones which are plotting to renovate themselves: I may have small boobies (despite hours of dedicated standing on my head in a futile attempt to enlarge them) but I would like very much to keep them intact vs mastectomy or lumpectomy.... (well, if you'd spring for Dolly Parton reconstruction surgery, I might quit whining, but scaring the crap outta me with hiden lumps in both is NOT nice!!)

And by the way, what's with this vaginal bleeding thing years after menopause? That's totally uncalled for - it has killed sex, biking, summer plans, and swimming, while waiting for the Gyn doc to rip my works out and leave me bedridden, at the mercy of DH and DS (who will have to wait on me hand and foot post hysterical-ectomy...and I know those two, they'll eat chocolate in front of me and laugh, while not sharing, just because they know I can't get up and beat the duwhanggy out of both of them....)

Then there's the back thingy.... can't I have just one week of night's painless sleep without having to get up and hunt for those good drugs to put me out of my misery for a few hour's sleep? Why did you inflict a MRI on me for that stuff? Do you realize that when they stuff fat ladies into that high tech radiology tunnel, their arms are mashed so tight against them they go to sleep?

Say, while I am talking to you, can I trade in this huge thing that is dragging along behind me (which makes my pants look like 300 pounds of beans stuffed into a five pound bag) -- can I trade it for a nice tight, small bootie? I am tired of getting it stuck in those tiny theatre seats!!

And hey, about those "stray eyebrows" I have to rip out of my neck and chin before going out in public - they are such a pain! Why don't you keep them on my real eyebrows which now have all of two hairs in them? And let''s talk about that third chin...was that nice to do to me? Two were enough, thank you!

Finally, let me tell you that farting is NOT funny when you are an old woman and you already have to deal with wet panties and gigantic Depends undergarments.... it's bad enough to smell "old" without knocking off those in close proximity with errant unexpected explosions, ....and would you please give me a warning ahead of time so I can at least yell, "fire in the hole!"

In fact, what about giving me a new body? I earned it, I have lived 62 years without killing anybody ...and raised three sons who are not jailbirds, and am nice to all kinds of wildlife... I don't flip anybody the finger, and I have tolerated other people's bratty kids and those dang politicians all my life...

Signed sincerely (and pleadingly), Mmelindas

P.S.
I'd take anything female that weighs in a 125 lbs and was healthy