Helicopter parents

[Crankin]

Yes, that is true, lph, but, at least in certain areas of the US, this is a huge problem. It particularly affects universities. There has been about a 40% increase in mental health problems in college students, and it can be traced to the rise in this type of parenting. I've read a lot about this in professional literature, not just in the popular press. When you've been raised in such a protective manner and everything has been done for you, it is hard to deal with even the normal stressors of life. Many of these kids fall apart and end up at the university counseling service. Then, mom and dad get angry, because, when they over 18, they have no say in their care, even if they are paying the bills.
I will give you an example from my practice. One of the nicest kids I work with has pretty bad anxiety. She's made a lot of progress. I really like her mom and her dad seems fine, but I've only met him once. But, after a year and a half, I've found out that her other 3 older sibs all have significant issues, that make my client look kind of like a regular kid. The family has done the right thing as far as getting help for the kids, but at a certain level, they have let these adult children (19-24) rule the roost. I am working with the mom to help her set boundaries with them, got 2 of the other kids into counseling with other clinicians, but the one who is disrupting the family the most seems to get whatever she wants. I would not be spending 50K a year to send her to school, after she "didn't like" the first school she went to. Mom does everything for these kids, nothing for herself. This seems to be such a common pattern. Makes me feel that I was the most selfish mom in the world, but really, my own mom was very similar.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear of this type of situation, Crankin.

The world has always been full of predators, abusers but the Internet has now added a whole other additional dimension that (caring) parent(s) worry about --meaning one more way for strangers to access their children without their knowledge. This is so very different than all the other eras/times in history. So if it isn't (over)worrying about a teen going to school on their own, there's another potential outlet ..

But it seems no matter what the "threats" are, ongoing communication is important and ability for parent to listen without rushing in with their "solution". As we all know, since we were all teens back then, putting it to practice is another thing.

Lph, I think my partner's daughter deals with a number of such children...these parents pay this private organization for additional tutoring in English which is great. In some cases, she has noticed the kid isn't doing bad at all and doesn't know why the kid needs to be enrolled. Other cases it's more improvement in social skills/communication in general. She suspects that some parents are overzealous in their child to achieve and in some cases, the parents live overseas..outside of North America (Asia). So having the kid go to school in addition to regular school, is a safe way for the kid's time to be occupied which personally I don't quite agree if the child doesn't really need it.

[OakLeaf]

There has been about a 40% increase in mental health problems in college students,

Have they really ruled out better screening as a cause? When I was in school and desperately needed mental help, Campus Counseling existed, but they were completely unequipped for and/or uninterested in dealing with anything more severe than "my boyfriend dumped me" or "classes are harder than I thought they would be."

[PamNY]

Have they really ruled out better screening as a cause? When I was in school and desperately needed mental help, Campus Counseling existed, but they were completely unequipped for and/or uninterested in dealing with anything more severe than "my boyfriend dumped me" or "classes are harder than I thought they would be."

I wondered the same thing. I was a 17-year-old college freshman when my upset roommate asked me to get her a glass of water. I had no idea she was going to swallow a handful of pills. I called the cops, she got her stomach pumped and all was well.

But there was no care or counseling for her or me. She got kicked out of school, and I got to talk to adults who told me they couldn't get involved. I had enough sense to seek out psych services, where a single session cost my weekly food budget. I would question the value of any statistics gathered during that period of time (1968).

[Crankin]

Better screening is part of it, and a lot of it is students coming to universities already "diagnosed" with various mental health conditions and needing to continue their treatment. But, one particular article I read (and no, I can't remember the source) also noted an increase in students who experienced one or two of what I call normal bad things and then fall apart in some kind of depressive episode or extreme state of anxiety. These would be like the events you mentioned, such as a bad grade, a break up with a boy/girlfriend, a roommate problem. If you've never had to develop emotional coping skills because mom/dad took care of everything, these events are quite devastating. Some parents try to intervene with deans or members of the counseling department, even though their kids have not signed a release and they are over 18.
College counseling centers have changed quite a bit since we were in school. I interviewed at 3 universities for my second clinical internship; these are considered plum positions, but I was quite glad I didn't take the one that was offered to me, at MA College of Pharmacy and Allied Health. Just listening to the director describe the stress these kids are under made me cringe. A peer in my clinical supervision class did take that position, and the issues she dealt with were much more severe than what I had in a community mental health clinic, in a community with a lot of poverty. And then she had the school attorneys on her back about things like not letting her complete her transcription of 2 sessions for our class, until she relented to doing it on campus, which was a huge burden. I guess what I am trying to say is that they are dealing with some pretty complicated things now, and when they can't, they refer out and try to work with providers, to keep the kid in school.

[PamNY]

Here's an article from the Washington Post that presents a different take on the issue:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs...bad-after-all/

[Crankin]

Not about college kids, but this morning I saw something that reminded of this thread. I was heading out to work, still in my neighborhood, but on a different street, when I saw a father and his daughter walking to the bus stop. First I thought, why is that dad walking a high schooler to the bus? Then, I realized that it was time for the elementary school bus, as it was 8:30. Since i was driving very slowly, about 20 mph, I looked again and noticed that the girl looked tall and very heavy for her age. She was lagging slightly behind the dad, who was carrying her backpack.. Now, these 2 were walking from a neighborhood of patio homes that abut my neighborhood, with very flat streets. The bus stop is in front of a house where several other kids wait. Before anyone accuses me of "size-ism," I have to say my first thought was, the dad is carrying her backpack? Of course, I don't know their story, but it just looked so wrong to me, on so many levels. Here, honey, I'll carry that for you, so you don't need to sweat.
I know this is judgmental, but it seems like it's a symptom of what is very wrong with our world.
Can you tell I feel really strongly about this?

[lph]

Can you tell I feel really strongly about this?

I can tell! I see this as a random observation. Maybe the kid has a back problem and cannot carry a backpack. Maybe she'd pulled her back out tripping over her shoelaces that morning. Maybe she has been even more overweight, or sick from something completely unrelated, and is only just at the point where she can walk at all. Maybe they were in a hurry that day, but instead of driving, dad still insisted they walk, but he would carry her backpack to make it just a little easier. I don't know. I would probably would have noted the situation too, but bear in mind that if they had taken the easiest way out, by driving a car, you would never have seen them at all. By walking they made themselves visible - and open to random judgement by strangers.

Now if you had known this family well, or seen this as a general trend among overweight kids everywhere, it would be different.

btw thanks for the link, PamNY. It resonated more with my experience.

[OakLeaf]

Ha, yeah. The first thing that crossed my mind is the incessant news stories about how backpacks harm children's musculoskeletal development. There's a story about that in the news about every other month, especially this time of year. Then there's the possibility of plain old sexism, unrelated to age - before I got hurt, it was a constant bone of contention between me and DH about him wanting to take things I was already carrying - then I got hurt and just had to deal with it.

Pam, that article made sense to me, too. Though it's hard to comment without looking at the data (which I haven't), and one big flaw that I saw in that article is that, I don't think the stereotypical coddled kids would self-identify that way. But yeah, as a product of the "old" kind of controlling/ownership parenting, with all the same emotional struggles associated with the supposedly-coddled modern kids, it makes sense to me. It's the parent seeing the child as nothing but an extension of their ego that causes the problems, and not the particular means they use to enforce that.

Another thing that occurred to me - my mom has taught at an expensive prep school for over 40 years, while my sister has been a college professor for 25 years. My mom has always complained about *some* parents who raise h#!! when their child is struggling, but hasn't seen any increase in that behavior. My sister, on the other hand, *has* seen an increased sense of entitlement among her students (not so much their parents). Her sense of it is that we baby boomers grew up in a golden age of accessibility of higher education. Now that college in the USA is once again mostly a perk of the wealthy, the concentration of people who feel entitled, who feel that any time they're paying someone for a service, that makes them their servant - can only have increased.