Helicopter parents

[Crankin]

Please don't get me started on this topic. I probably would be put in jail for the way I raised my kids, and it was not that long ago.

[PamNY]

My first job was hiring people for entry-level jobs at the telephone company. This was from 1972-1975 or so.

There were occasionally parents in the employment office waiting room (though they did not take part in the interview). And I got several phone calls from parents who were angry when their children did not get a job. Parental involvement may be greater now, but I wouldn't say it's an altogether new phenomenon.

[smilingcat]

WOW!!! The other extreme end...

[Crankin]

I think my trouble started when we moved to our last home. My kids were in 6th and 8th grade. A cup-de-sac street, in a neighborhood of 3 streets, about 25 homes. It didn't take me long to call my neighbors the Stepford Wives. We lived 2 houses from the T intersection of the cross street where the bus picked the kids up for school. Out they went, everyday, rain or shine. A long line of cars would be parked, with kids waiting, no matter what the weather. When it rained or snowed, my kids would be invited into cars, which they always refused. My younger son rode his bike to school (6 miles) in the spring of 7th and 8th grade. Before that, let's see. I let my older son ride his bike around the block, on the sidewalk, when he was 4, unaccompanied. He walked home from kindergarten (we lived one block behind the school). That was in AZ. My kids played in the woods behind our house when we first moved to MA, and one day, they got lost. They had walkie talkies and I could hear them on the base unit. For some reason the older one left the younger one, and the younger, was probably 6... he found his way out, by me talking him through and looking at landmarks. That did scare me, but I was proud. The next year, DH was supposed to pick him up after school, when he stayed for an activity. My son knew that DH might forget, so before he left for school, he unlocked the back door. When DH didn't show up, he took the late bus home, got in the house, and then followed the protocol we had established. This was before cell phones, so when he called my school, I was already at the school holiday party, quite far away. Then he called my friend, who came over and took him until DH got home. Needless to say, this is the one who became a Marine. They took the train into Boston/Cambridge, alone starting at age 14 or 15, after me showing them how. This really freaked out the other parents. Both started babysitting at age 10-11, after taking the Red Cross class, and they were in demand! We let them stay home alone, for the weekend, when the older one had his license, and we went to NYC, to celebrate our 20th anniversary. Of course, we had our neighbors on alert for any cars parked in front of the house, etc. They were not partiers, anyway.
My kids knew how to cook, clean, handle money and take care of kids by the time they were 18. They had menial jobs in HS, when none of their friends worked. They did their college apps on their own, with our guidance. The fact that they are 33 and 30 and still call for advice, makes me think we did the right thing.

[shootingstar]

My partner lived right in downtown Toronto,while his ex lived ..mid-town only 7 km. away. During shared child custody arrangements for several years, his children came over to his place separately from school starting when they were 13 and 11. They took the subway and streetcar themselves.

My partner gave up having a car after the divorce. The children could not be schlepped around by him. He would accompany them on local transit when it was needed.

I was living in my own home out in the suburbs...

The children are now 34 and 36. One did her MA in English Lit. and now teaches foreign students, TOEL and other...is married with 3 boys. He runs his own butcher and sandwich shop. Of course, he seeks accounting and business advice from dearie.
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In hindsight for myself, when I was a child I didn't want to run away from home, even though I found the strictness annoying and at times, stultifying: I knew if I ran away even back then in my head, I knew I would have to find food and place to live. Being poor can make a child desperate to run away OR child appreciates very quickly what it means to have food on the table daily, to be in a warm house and protected by parents (if the parent is not abusive).

I only wanted to leave when I was bound for university.

[PamNY]

I can't imagine this. I've been the interviewer, and I wouldn't want an employee who couldn't handle an interview on their own. Maturity in an employee is rather important...

At the time, I would have thought someone was with the applicant because of transportation issues, if I'd thought about it at all. A lot of our applicants were low-income, and public transportation left much to be desired. Many of these people, particularly the women who were entering the work force for the first time, would not have had the sophistication to anticipate that they would be judged for showing up with a friend or relative.

With the parents who called to complain that a child wasn't hired -- I think the parents were the problem. This was before the "helicopter" stereotype existed. I would say the parents were angry, overbearing and arrogant. No way to know how that would affect the offspring.

The situations I am describing happened 40 years ago. It is interesting that the current point of view seems to be that the child should be held responsible for the parents' behavior.

[shootingstar]

This is slightly off-topic but still on children....

For another job I was interviewing candidates. One applicant brought along her 4 yr. daughter. And we were working at a major construction site out in the suburbs. It was distracting since the daughter was right there in same rm., while myself and HR manager tried to conduct the interview. Little girl walked up to me innocently and looked at me.

We didn't hire the woman. I found the applicant a little incoherent which we really needed a fast learner and ability to communicate well at all levels of the organization. It's VERY hard not to wonder what the applicant would do if she couldn't keep work priorities straight vs. child care matters. Lest I am viewed as unsympathetic, well the HR manager was a divorced mother of 2 (adult) children.

[lph]

To be honest, I find this thread a little sad. Yes, I know there are weird over-protective parents out there, and no, I don't feel in the slightest that I am one of them. But it seems we are so quick to judge other people's parenting. I believe all parents do the best they can. I also believe that kids in general turn out fine. There are about a zillion ways of raising a kid right, and a few ways of doing it really wrong. Because I was raised a certain way and turned out fine, and because I raise my kid a certain way and he seems to be turning out fine... doesn't really mean much, other than that we're reasonably in sync with what people around us expect.

I certainly wish that parents wouldn't drive their kids everywhere, but that's partly the fault of the media telling them that the world is a dangerous place, full of kidnappers. Meddling and overprotective parents may at the same time be very loving, attentive parents, which I think is a lot more important in the long run. There are kids out there who wish with all their heart that their parents were a little more attentive.

[Crankin]

Yes, that is true, lph, but, at least in certain areas of the US, this is a huge problem. It particularly affects universities. There has been about a 40% increase in mental health problems in college students, and it can be traced to the rise in this type of parenting. I've read a lot about this in professional literature, not just in the popular press. When you've been raised in such a protective manner and everything has been done for you, it is hard to deal with even the normal stressors of life. Many of these kids fall apart and end up at the university counseling service. Then, mom and dad get angry, because, when they over 18, they have no say in their care, even if they are paying the bills.
I will give you an example from my practice. One of the nicest kids I work with has pretty bad anxiety. She's made a lot of progress. I really like her mom and her dad seems fine, but I've only met him once. But, after a year and a half, I've found out that her other 3 older sibs all have significant issues, that make my client look kind of like a regular kid. The family has done the right thing as far as getting help for the kids, but at a certain level, they have let these adult children (19-24) rule the roost. I am working with the mom to help her set boundaries with them, got 2 of the other kids into counseling with other clinicians, but the one who is disrupting the family the most seems to get whatever she wants. I would not be spending 50K a year to send her to school, after she "didn't like" the first school she went to. Mom does everything for these kids, nothing for herself. This seems to be such a common pattern. Makes me feel that I was the most selfish mom in the world, but really, my own mom was very similar.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear of this type of situation, Crankin.

The world has always been full of predators, abusers but the Internet has now added a whole other additional dimension that (caring) parent(s) worry about --meaning one more way for strangers to access their children without their knowledge. This is so very different than all the other eras/times in history. So if it isn't (over)worrying about a teen going to school on their own, there's another potential outlet ..

But it seems no matter what the "threats" are, ongoing communication is important and ability for parent to listen without rushing in with their "solution". As we all know, since we were all teens back then, putting it to practice is another thing.

Lph, I think my partner's daughter deals with a number of such children...these parents pay this private organization for additional tutoring in English which is great. In some cases, she has noticed the kid isn't doing bad at all and doesn't know why the kid needs to be enrolled. Other cases it's more improvement in social skills/communication in general. She suspects that some parents are overzealous in their child to achieve and in some cases, the parents live overseas..outside of North America (Asia). So having the kid go to school in addition to regular school, is a safe way for the kid's time to be occupied which personally I don't quite agree if the child doesn't really need it.

[OakLeaf]

There has been about a 40% increase in mental health problems in college students,

Have they really ruled out better screening as a cause? When I was in school and desperately needed mental help, Campus Counseling existed, but they were completely unequipped for and/or uninterested in dealing with anything more severe than "my boyfriend dumped me" or "classes are harder than I thought they would be."