Thread Drift

[Crankin]

Wow, that sounds stressful, Shooting Star. Hotels are a better option than a controlling parent! We always stayed with my parents when we went to San Diego, especially when we lived in Phoenix, and we couldn't afford any other vacations to get out of the hellish weather. We always got a long, because we went off and did our own thing, and my parents often would, too, as well as taking the kids out places when they were little. After we moved, we did 3-4 visits staying there, and my mom used to come here in the summer, as her parents and sister were here. That was stressful, because my aunt is a controlling b***** and treated my mom terribly. My mom used to split her time between my house and my aunt's, and there was a lot of driving back and forth, about a 40 minute drive at that time. I went to San Diego once with the kids when my mom was sick (they were in middle school) and once alone, right before she died. After that, we didn't go to San Diego. My dad met us in Phoenix twice, which was fun. Of course, we did this without telling DH's parents. They thought we were arriving days later. When my son moved to California, he lived in San Diego for 5 years, so we visited everyone, but stayed in B and Bs. Now my son lives outside of LA (Claremont), so next time we go there, we'll probably stay with him.

[shootingstar]

As you can see, I'm very careful how I inquire how things are now with siblings who live in same city as mother. They are looking after needs/demands.

It's very presumptuous for me to offer harmless advice when I'm not there. But I am able to give this leads on their city's community resources....which comes from my volunteer work in Toronto ..prior to cycling advocacy: it was social support services for Chinese-speaking Canadians like my mother.

One day I should blog how 1 type of advocacy actually later has some parallels....marginalization due to non-English speaking Canadians, compared marginalization of cyclists and pedestrians in the big world of transportation infrastructure...there ARE some similarities.

[ny biker]

My brother is easy to get along with, and 26 years ago, he was always light-hearted and happy. Since marrying her, he is quiet and withdrawn. Like he doesn't want anything to do with anyone. Everyone in my family always blamed his wife. I lived far enough away that I wasn't sure. After this visit, I'm sure! She is controlling and selfish. I feel sorry for him. He does deal with her, with humor, and with just not saying anything.

This can be a sign of an abusive, manipulative relationship. Which could also explain why your brother still lives there. Obviously I don't know them well enough to know for sure, just saying there are possible red flags.

I stay at my parents' house all the time I when I go up to NY, in fact will be there Friday night. One sibling's family also stays there when they visit, while another stays in a hotel, mostly because the house is small and the bedrooms are small and there are not enough bathrooms when lots of people are staying there.

If I visit the siblings who live out west, I stay at their houses. My parents stay will all of us when they visit, including me -- I have no guest room so I sleep on an air mattress in the living room while they take my room. There can be issues of not enough space and having to coordinate morning routines given limited bathroom availability, but in general we get along well enough. I think the key is that no one expects us to all be together all the time -- the hosts typically have to go to work, school or other activities they're committed to, and the guests understand there will be times they are on their own. And it's just temporary, which makes it easier to overlook the little annoyances.

[shootingstar]

I have stayed with sibling(s) longer than 1-2 days, but for those who have several children, it's complicated for them to have a guest, even if I'm a sibling.. I see my sister rushing around cleaning up certain areas within a busy schedule..for me. That's nice, but I certainly don't want to over-extend her energy and even when I'm out of the house most of the day. Hubby is busy too with kids.

I get along with my siblings..thankfully. (I'm always sorry to hear stories of horrible blow-outs / very fractious sibling relationship stories.) We always enjoy visiting each other/socializing over meals collectively. I miss them.

[ny biker]

Yes I'm also lucky to have a good relationship with my family.

No one rushes around cleaning up for me while I visit them. In fact one sister used to put me to work when I stayed with her at the vacation house she used to have in Colorado. But you're right that it's extra work to have guests and in my family it means someone gives up their bedroom for visitors. But it's worth it to spend time together.

[snapdragen]

When I was 18-25 or so it was fun staying with friends and family, but as I've aged, no way!

I'm the same way, I need my private space to decompress.

[Crankin]

Last night I found out my first love commited suicide. It was a very complicated situation, ugly divorce, adult kids and his bio family refusing to talk to him, loss of status, money, etc. We reconnected in 1996, but it was only in the past 5 years that we really started talking again. He was at my house for dinner last May and he was back in town in the fall, when I met him for coffee after I came back from Portugal.
He lived outside DC and had planned to move back here. It was a hasty decision, he met someone on-line tangentially connected to a web site where we reflect on memories of growing up in our town. She did not go to my high school, I don't know her. Short story is, he flew up here, stuff on the way, they had a fight, and he flew back to DC, where he was relegated back to the basement of his ex and his home.I talked to him as he was on the way back to the airport. There are definitely 2 sides to every story, but this is just really sad. I was on the phone most of last night with my 2 closest friends from high school. The weird thing is, that his family (ex and daughters) have a Go Fund Me page for "expenses." Why? I hope they don't act all sad, after the way they acted. No one knows if the girlfriend who kicked him out knows. She had been messaging me incessently all last week, trying to find out if I had heard from him. I sent her a message with my phone #, to call me, but no response. She is going to need some serious help...

[Catrin]

So sorry Crankin, that is such a complex and sad situation.

[Crankin]

Incredibly complicated. My phone has been buzzing like crazy as I sit here seeing the kids at Hudson HS. So, the ex girlfriend did contact me finally. She knows. She is going to call me at 1:15, after I get home from work and PT. Then I will take a nice walk in the woods or an easy ride.
I guess what is so sad is that he was a person who everyone saw as perfect when we were kids. Smart, athletic, kind, socially aware. I know this means nothing in terms of mental health, and I wish I knew everything. I am glad we reconnected and I was able to apologize for making a bad choice at age 18.
However, the good thing is I had 2 wonderful talks with my best friend from middle/high school last night. It was like no time elapsed. Talking to her was like hearing my own voice.

[OakLeaf]

Oh man, Crankin. That's so sad. Do take care of yourself.

[Crankin]

Interacting with the high school kids this morning is keeping me busy and very engaged. I am ok, albeit somewhat numb. I know that's normal and everyone else who was his friend (and it's a lot of people who have been affected by this) feels the same way. I can't really talk to my friends about this, for a lot of reasons. I can talk to my high school friends, though, and DH.

[Crankin]

Not gonna do that. I am already home for the day, and I only have morning clients tomorrow. In fact, I'd get a lot of questions in this situation, if I did that! Going to get ready to go outside...

[IBrakeforPastry]

I'm so sorry Crankin. Please take care.

[shootingstar]

So sad that a promising person did not make through his life happier. My thoughts with you, Crankin. Glad you got to chat up with him.

[Crankin]

I feel so much better after a 3.5 mile hike in 68 degree weather. I wore a skort. No snow on the trail at all! Birds singing and peepers peeping. The end of the trail backs up to a housing development in the next town, so it's less woodsy. I sat down on a big rock and let the sun shine on my face. Heaven. Then I hiked back, up the big grade to my house.
I spoke to the girlfriend. She says her alarms were going off before he left and that she knows it was not her fault. She's a talker, and I suspect I may hear from her again. Now, the person who actually told me about this, whom he dated for awhile (this precipitated his separation, divorce, etc), and was an actual friend of mine, is going a little nuts on Facebook. She posted his HS grad picture, which is quite a memory inducer for me. But, I know this woman is a bit "off." She moved away a year before i did and seems to have reconnected with people who barely remember her. All of this is quite weird. After all, we are all in our early 60s...