Thread Drift

[rocknrollgirl]

I am reading through this thread and the friendship thing strikes a chord, and obviously that are a number of us that are feeling the same way and experiencing the same thing. I have been mulling it over for a day or two and I think the only reasonable thing to do is form our own society, where we can be friends, real friends, but stay introverts. It is the only sensible answer

Just kidding. I wish it did not hit so close to home but it does. We are friendly at work, have biking friends and two really close couples. One lives 7 hours away and the other has 3 teens. So basically, it is just us. Not too many people our age that our as active as we are. Bit of a bummer. We are planning early retirement in 2 years, I sure hope we finds some friends to play with. Oh and as a point of interest, it does not bother my hubs much either. Bothers me a lot more.

And not to be gun shy, but the last really close friend I had just stopped talking to me out of the blue a year ago. No explanation, just dropped me. I tried to talk to her, emailed, nothing. It stung pretty badly and made me feel even more isolated. Took a long time to realize that it was not me and the issue is hers.

[emily_in_nc]

Crankin, one thought I had about your bike club folks who are friendly but not actively seeking socializing outside of the club rides, etc. is that there seem to be a lot of folks around like DH and me -- introverts who are very friendly during rides but who get most our social needs met that way and then don't feel the need for more socializing in the evening or off the bike. I think a lot of introverts are drawn to cycling, as it's an individual sport rather than a team sport, and especially those who love to ride alone and get lost in their thoughts are introverts, more often than not.

So in all likelihood, it's not you, it's them.

I wish I loved to have people over and to entertain. To me it's about on par with a dental visit, I kid you not!

[Helene2013]

Emily,
Love your last sentence. Lol

So much like hubby and I. Stress before guests are here then stress when they are gone to clean up. Too much cooking, cleaning, getting the dogs to behave, etc. So we opt out lol and we end up meeting them at restaurant.

I like to meet people but once I'm done with x activity I just want to chill quietly at home.

[rocknrollgirl]

Emily and Helen, I agree 100%. My husband would have folks every weekend. I would rather have root canal. The entire ordeal makes me tired thinking about it. I am the same way. Better off at a restaurant because when I am done socializing I am done. Tough to do when they are in your kitchen!

I am way better if we are going to have company, if we just have over one or two friends.

[Jolt]

Jolt, I had to stay at home (not complete bedrest, but almost) for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy with DS #2. It did make me crazy. So crazy, I threw a plate down on the kitchen floor in frustration and when my 2 years saw that and started crying in fear, my DH called my mom and told her she needed to get on a plane and help!

I'm picturing this scene...seems like the kind of thing that might happen if I were in that situation as well! (I'm sure having a two-year-old in the mix didn't make it any easier.)

[Crankin]

As soon as that plate smashed on the kitchen floor and Josh started screaming and clinging to my leg, I had a vision of what kids become when they see violence all the time! I've only done something like that one other time, but no one witnessed it. He doesn't remember it, even though he does remember little bits here and there of that time, especially staying at our friends the day I went to the hospital to actually deliver. The worst part of those six weeks was the fact that we lived behind the field of an elementary/middle school. Although they built another street of houses behind us right after that, at the time I was on house arrest there was a bit of desert, and then the school. I used to sit on a rocking chair on my patio and all I could hear were the voices of kids playing, the school PA, and teachers talking to their kids. I missed my students so much, it was like torture. My mom was taking care of Josh, all I could do was read and have visits from my friends, most of whom did not work. A few of my colleagues came to see me, too. I can't imagine how it would have been, if I had actually had to stay in bed. The only thing i looked forward to were my weekly trips to the OB's office!
When I talk about having friends over, it's not large scale entertaining! Having one couple over for dinner is not really any more work than we do for ourselves. We used to have a couple of parties a year, back in AZ, but now, that only happens for special occasions, and most of the time it's pot luck, or catered. Usually, when we socialize, we are going out to a restaurant.
We often do go out after long bike rides, but that's after a couple of hours of rest and relaxation, especially on nice summer weekends, or if we're traveling locally with our friends. I guess it comes down to the fact that I love food/cooking/dining out as much as riding, so that is as much a part of my life as the riding.
Emily, you might be right about some of the people in my bike group being introverts, but they do not seem it. They are very busy doing things, seem to socialize/go out a lot. I feel like there's some kind of code I haven't broken. A lot of them live in or closer to the city, so maybe it's that their lifestyle is a bit different. They are coming out to ride in my area. While there are a number of us that live around here, it does feel different.

[VeganBikeChick]

Hugs to everyone feeling isolated. Add me to the group!

I work weekends, overnight (Fri-Sun), and Mon-Thurs are spent doing my online coursework for grad school. I literally have no interaction besides work, and even there it's hard to "make friends" as everyone has their own lives going on. I'm viewed as an outcast, being in my late 30's with no spouse or kids. I feel like it's very hard to relate to others my age because I don't fit the "mold". I moved here for the weather/environment and haven't been able to meet a single soul. I'm pretty introverted as well, and find when I try to socialize, at the end of the night I just want to melt into a puddle a la the Wicked Witch. I've tried meetup groups, but in my limited exposure, it seems as if the groups I've joined attract the dregs of society. I miss my church from the NW, but can't attend church here as services are Sunday AM, when I'm asleep after having worked all night. I really need some community outreach and don't know where to turn. I fear if things continue as they are, I'm going to end up a very lonely, miserable person. Not at all what I want.

[emily_in_nc]

Emily and Helen, I agree 100%. My husband would have folks every weekend. I would rather have root canal. The entire ordeal makes me tired thinking about it. I am the same way. Better off at a restaurant because when I am done socializing I am done. Tough to do when they are in your kitchen!

I am way better if we are going to have company, if we just have over one or two friends.

Ditto. In fact, we have not had a "party" in years unless you count family. If friends, it's only a couple. But mostly now we just meet people at restaurants. I get way too stressed with having everything perfect -- food, house, drink, etc -- when it is in my own space. I think a lot of it is just practice. The more you entertain, the better you get at it. Kinda like with public speaking -- another activity I put on par with dental visits!

[shootingstar]

I relate to both TE forumites who are part of a couple and those who live alone 'cause:

we maintain 2 homes in 2 provinces. My partner isn't always living in the same city where I work full-time. We spend time together in each home city location for chunks of the year which gets compounded by my limited vacation time due to a full-time job. Hence, my motivation to form more deeper friendships in my job-oriented city is less. After working for several employers in my career, my incentive to create personal friendships via other employees, dropped off a long time ago. The only local good friend is someone who works for the same employer but she is in a totally different dept. where our work roles would never cross. (Thank goodness!) Instead she and I met initially...in the employee collective bike cage. A friendship can begin in a collective bike cage, not during a bike ride.

As a couple for last 24 yrs., dearie and I just haven't joined up group rides often each year. We seem to go on one...um...1-2 times per year, if that. He and I are friendly introverts. He is well-known in the Vancouver area cycling advocacy circles and has many cycling advocacy contacts in the city and across British Columbia. But strangely, he very rarely goes cycling with these folks on his own personal trips and seldom goes out strictly just for a personal coffee/drink with such friends if there isn't some cycling matter he wants to chat up. Personally I find it abit odd, but I love dearie for being a friendly outlier.

I'm the one that still maintains some contact with long-time friends across Canada...even if they can't be immediately in the same city to help me. He is not like that all. But he is entirely content with this. Literally a friendly hermit but saves his personal "socializing" time for myself, his children and grandchildren.

But true, how helpful it is to have a local trustworthy friend when one is grieving, sick or injured.

[OakLeaf]

Lots here. Hugs to everyone. NbyNW, that's tough. Best wishes on the transition. Catrin, hugs to you too. Shootingstar, glad you're taking the time you need to mend.

Emily, you nailed it with me. I've heard it described before that some people gain energy from being with others, where other people have to spend it. I'm a spender for sure. When I got hurt and had to cut way back on riding, it was a major hit to my social life, but I really wasn't interested in "finding" something else to substitute. So I got even more isolated, which is one of the dysfunctional strategies I use to manage my life, and that's not good. Thank goodness for yoga.

My bike club started a slow ride and I'm actually planning on trying to ride with them in the morning. I'm a little apprehensive, both because I haven't been on the road bike for a year and a half, and because of the ride leader. During my "down time" one of the faster riders married her. I haven't met her face to face yet, but she friended me on Facebook and within two months was posting racist bile on my page. I unfriended her right away needless to say. There are people I know and like who usually do this ride too, but it's just kind of weird for me.


Oh PS I got a new motorcycle

[Pax]

*ears perking up*

New motorcycle?? Details please.

[Crankin]

Oak, that racist thing would do it for me... but if it's a ride where the pace is right and the others are OK, well, I would try. I went on a group ride last fall with a leader that's known for being "strange." It started in a nearby town, so I said, "why not?" Well, he was more than weird. This is a guy who got punched by a cyclist from another club, because he was riding erratically on a group ride through Concord Center last year. And, he's mean. So, we were kinda in the middle of nowhere, near the NH border and my GPS beeped to turn. He went straight. A few minutes later he says, we're lost! Like, OK, why didn't you turn according to the route you made up! To make a long story short, the temp was dropping, rain was threatening, and yours truly led the group back to a town where we could eat lunch and was about 5 miles from the start. It's too bad, because the other riders were nice, but I was so pissed at him, and focusing on taking responsibility for the group, I didn't talk too much.
I didn't realize how many people feel like socializing is expending energy and dread it. I guess I need to find some more extroverts like me. I do enjoy my quiet time, but not too much! I think I am so "on" at my job, that I crave good, fun social interaction with like minded people. Funny, all of the people I've met from TE seem quite out going to me.
Glad you are hanging in there, ShootingStar.

[lph]

I didn't realize how many people feel like socializing is expending energy and dread it. I guess I need to find some more extroverts like me. I do enjoy my quiet time, but not too much! I think I am so "on" at my job, that I crave good, fun social interaction with like minded people. Funny, all of the people I've met from TE seem quite out going to me.
Glad you are hanging in there, ShootingStar.

I think that's actually pretty much the definition of an introvert, someone who finds that socializing drains energy rather than giving energy.

But it's quite possible to be both outgoing and introverted, I am. I'm very social and chatty at work and in most situations, but socializing is an effort, especially at home in the evenings. It's sort of like exercise - I like it, I look forward to it, I can even feel quite "high" immediately afterwards, but boy, do I need to rest in the end. It even extends to close family, I could happily be alone at home for a week before I started to feel lonely. I try to socialize by culturing friendships at work, keeping up on Facebook and doing physical activities with people, as that keeps my home time free :-)On the other hand, my dh is very quiet and subdued in his interactions with people, but has a much higher tolerance for entertaining at home, for example.

I think the introvert/extrovert thing can be worth discussing with close friends and family, to keep from hurting peoples feelings.

[rocknrollgirl]

I had an entire class of introverts last year. We used to joke that we had found "our people". I am actually very outgoing and will talk to anybody. My DH jokes that I am famous for picking people up at trailheads. Most of our close friends I met while chatting it up in a parking lot before our after an activity.

Anyway, I used to think I was socially awkward despite my outgoing nature. I can sit and talk to a friend for hours, but a cocktail party at work. Forget it. I am lost. So I made a comment about being socially awkward in class and this brilliant young woman looked at me and said. Introverted, not awkward. She defined introverts as someone that recharges their battery by having quiet time and someone that is an extrovert recharges by being social.

Nailed it. That is me. I think part of my need for quiet at home stems from two things. One, growing up in a very dysfunctional household , and teaching high school. When I come home, and one the weekends, I need quiet down time. Fortunately I married a man that respects that and gets it. After we get back from riding and papers are graded, I love to curl up on the corner of the couch and read for an hour or two. Recharge complete.

So I told my class of brilliant introverts, marry well if you marry. Find someone that gets it. I also told them when they went off to college this year to at least make an attempt to interact with the other humans!!! I was a great class to teach, so a fun group.

What has worked for me with company and travel with friends and family is to always make sure I have a place to retreat to. We are in the process of planning a mt biking weekend with our riding friends. renting a house. So as long as the house has enough space, and DH and I have a room of our own I can retreat to, I will be fine.

[OakLeaf]

It's sort of like exercise - I like it, I look forward to it, I can even feel quite "high" immediately afterwards, but boy, do I need to rest in the end.... I think the introvert/extrovert thing can be worth discussing with close friends and family, to keep from hurting peoples feelings.

Yes and yes! And yes, RnRgirl, I definitely need to be able to retreat. Going out for a run helps a lot, but being able to close a door is super important to me too.


I got out on the club ride this morning, did around 29 at a nice relaxed pace by the time I rode to the start and back. It felt good, it was nice to ride with people, it didn't really feel like I'd been away at all. So my scientific investigation has determined that the amount of time it takes to forget how to ride a bicycle is less than ten years but greater than 14 months. (Well not really, I had been riding the commuter all this winter and last.)


Pax, the new moto is a little Kawasaki EX300 and so far I am really loving it. I've been downsizing lately, I'm kind of over bikes that are too big and too fast. It's actually not all that light (spec is like 385 wet), being liquid cooled, steel frame, etc., but it's low and narrow, much lower center of gravity than inline four 600s, has plenty of motor for passing on two-lanes when I need it, and it fits. like. a. dream. I've never had a moto that fit this well and I just couldn't be happier with it.

Picking it up from the dealer was kind of an adventure in itself. DH had gone out of town and needed to stay an extra day, I didn't have another ride, and I did NOT want to wait another day or two to get my bike. So I packed up all my moto gear on the commuter bici (pants and back protector in one saddlebag, jacket and gloves in the other, one boot sticking out of each and helmet cargo-netted on top ), rode that four miles to the bus stop, locked it up, consolidated all the gear except for the helmet in a huge drawstring bag, spent the next hour and a half on buses to the dealership, picked up the moto, rode it home, parked it in the garage, got my running gear on, ran to where I'd parked the bici and rode that home. Four modes of transport (five if you count running and walking separately) and not one of them a car.