What makes you happy?

[Crankin]

I also have the perfect partner for me. Like you, Pax, I don't dwell on the bad stuff. I'm not in la-la land, but I'm done with those who complain all of the time and never do anything. Of course, in my job, I have the ability to be empathetic, but when I go home, I need to be around functional friends and family. I have divested myself of all others.
Other than that, riding, skiing, and eating make me happy! Reading, too.

[ny biker]

I actually have to think about this. I think there is more than one level of happy. There is general contentedness with your life, and then there is in-the-moment happy. I am often not in-the-moment happy -- too many idiots on the road when I'm trying to get to and from work, too many things about my job that change for the worse, stress from trying to get things done and pay the bills. It takes conscious effort to put all that crap in perspective and turn your mood around.

At the higher level, since everyone so far has focused on their SO -- it appears that my path in life is that of childless spinster. It wasn't a conscious choice but it's the way things have turned out. I'm fine with this because I actually find some upside to it, in terms of freedom.

Outside of the significant-other thing, I just try to arrange my life to my liking as much as possible. Living in a neighborhood I like, trying to make my home comfortable, seeking out people that I get along with. Again this takes some effort, and much is beyond my control -- for example the only way to afford living in my neighborhood is to be in an apartment which means more noisy neighbors than if I lived in one of the townhouses. And sometimes your friends are just busy with their own lives so you don't get to spend time with them as much as you'd like. And as mentioned, things keep changing at my job and things I've liked about it are eroding away. The contract with our client is up for bid, so I could wind up being laid off soon; if we win the contract, it's possible that some things will change again, possibly (hopefully) to counteract some of the recent bad changes. We'll see.

Luck plays a part too -- I've been very lucky to have a good family -- parents, siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews that I get along with.

Another thing is music. Music makes me happy. Something I think I got from my father -- he always had music playing in the car whenever we went anywhere, and back when we all lived at home he would turn on the stereo to his favorite music station while we had dinner. And now I always have the stereo on when I'm alone in the car (which is most of the time that I'm in the car) and ever since college I've had a walkman/discman/mp3 player with earphones so I could listen to music while I'm exercising. Unfortunately I can't use my stereo at home because it would bother my neighbors. But a couple of weeks ago I realized that the daily status meetings we have at work every morning were driving me crazy and setting me into a bad mood every day. So I plugged the mp3 player into some cheap portable speakers and have been listening to music while I get ready for work and have breakfast, and it's been helping. This week I'm going to treat myself to a new speaker that will sound better but not be too loud for the neighbors.

I actually don't listen to music when I ride my bike, but I've got a pretty full mental jukebox, and when I'm riding alone I sometimes will sing out loud.

To Crankin's point, I think it is important to eliminate or reduce negative influences when possible. There have been times when I have ended friendships because they had evolved into relationships that caused too much grief. Perspective is also important, and expectations, when there are people that you can't avoid.

Anyway I think I've rambled enough. It's an interesting question, and worth contemplating from time to time. Thanks for asking, Pax.

[ny biker]

Another thing is music. Music makes me happy. Something I think I got from my father -- he always had music playing in the car whenever we went anywhere, and back when we all lived at home he would turn on the stereo to his favorite music station while we had dinner. And now I always have the stereo on when I'm alone in the car (which is most of the time that I'm in the car) and ever since college I've had a walkman/discman/mp3 player with earphones so I could listen to music while I'm exercising. Unfortunately I can't use my stereo at home because it would bother my neighbors. But a couple of weeks ago I realized that the daily status meetings we have at work every morning were driving me crazy and setting me into a bad mood every day. So I plugged the mp3 player into some cheap portable speakers and have been listening to music while I get ready for work and have breakfast, and it's been helping. This week I'm going to treat myself to a new speaker that will sound better but not be too loud for the neighbors.

So I bought myself a new portable speaker so I could listen to music in my condo without it being too loud for the neighbors. And it was working, in the sense that it's been helping my mood a lot. Except the neighbor just knocked on me door to tell me it's too loud. So, waste of $200 and back to being miserable most of the time.

[Pax]

Maybe try some quality headphones at home? My honey and I have VERY different musical tastes so I use headphones LOUD and jam.

[Helene2013]

What a bummer that you can't really listen to music a notch higher!

I think I would go nuts as I am used to have a really good sound system in the basement and we train to almost the sound of a concert hall. hihi I'm sure you can hear the music pounding outside but my neighbours are really far away.

Too bad that too many condos are so not well in noise reduction. My brother-in-law lives at the top of triplex (but still attached to others left and right) and he had to pay big money to get his whole floor redone so walls/flooring is sound-proof or just about.

If I had to move out of a house and into some type of apartment, I think my 1st question would be: what type of soundproofing do you have. hihi

[OakLeaf]

Or shoulder speakers? I don't like wearing headphones, I'm not a naturally fearful person, but not being able to hear things around me freaks me out. But shoulder speakers might give you your music while keeping the outside volume very low? Maybe not too late to exchange your speaker?

Becky, without knowing what you've been reading, just in my head I feel like it's the opposite, that joy is transient while happiness is more a way of existence. Joy comes reasonably easily to me, mostly from situations where I'm outdoors in flow, like motorcycling, fast descents on the bike (not that I've done that lately), distance running. But having been independently diagnosed three times with double depression, it's safe to say I'm not naturally a happy person ... if I don't deliberately put myself into joy (which usually involves NOT doing most of what needs to be done ), my natural state is pretty miserable ...

[redrhodie]

The thing that makes me happy is being thankful. If I'm feeling down, I have learned that thinking of all the good things I have in my life really helps. Music also makes me happy. Playing guitar with my dbf makes me really happy.

[Helene2013]

I’ve been saying forever: you are the master of your own destiny. If you’re unhappy about something, DO something and stop whining. You’re allowed to feel some pity and the “why me” and life is not fair. NO life is not fair. We all know it. But don’t take forever to get out of it and don’t blame other people forever. No one else can do this for you. You have to take the necessary steps and life will follow its course. True, sometimes it is harder (when a serious illness like cancer get in your way). But for the most part, when a door closes, another one will open. Always keep all your options opened!

My home is my paradise. Most of the time anyway. I would not mind being glued at home for a long time. lol

Perfect husband (although at times I tell him I'd trade him when things don't go my way and he says I'm not nice as he would never ever do this. hihi). We share a lot of the same activities and goals and if not, we complement each other in our strengths and weaknesses (no choice after over 30 years right! we must be doing something right hihi). Sure, not all is pink all the time, but for the most part, we are never bored or unhappy together.

Good pets – for the most part. Although it can get rough with 3 cats and 3 dogs as there is always one of them with health issues or behavior problems. Hihi

So between hubby and my pets my life is great. I don't need more to be happy. Money is nice but not a top priority. I could live with less and still be happy. Can't say the same about hubby and this is why we're at this point in our lives. He likes his big toys. I could go with less but it is what it is.

Work and home is so busy I don't have time for negative energy. I "deleted" those (including immediate family) in my life that were not bringing me anything but problems or complaining all the time. I don't need that. Go whine to someone else.

Overall, I'm a lot like you Pax. If I am not singing and dancing (note: terrible at those 2) it's because I'm sick. Hubby hates it as he said: when you are quiet or not planning anything it is scary. Hahaha

Life is short. And like Marilyn Monroe said: “So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

[AppleTree]

I’ve been saying forever: you are the master of your own destiny. If you’re unhappy about something, DO something and stop whining. You’re allowed to feel some pity and the “why me” and life is not fair. NO life is not fair. We all know it. But don’t take forever to get out of it and don’t blame other people forever. No one else can do this for you. You have to take the necessary steps and life will follow its course. True, sometimes it is harder (when a serious illness like cancer get in your way). But for the most part, when a door closes, another one will open. Always keep all your options opened!

”

I'm also a home lover, although I like to go out on adventures too, I never like being away from home base for long. I could not be a gypsy! It's funny how several have already mentioned divesting themselves of negative people in their lives. I've also done this a few times... life is too short to be around chronic complainers.

I love to quilt and knit and sometimes sketch... I made a wall quilt with the saying "Happy Hands, Happy Hearts". I feel happiest when I am creating something...anything really. Maybe even just a good soup on a blustery day. It gives me a deep down "soul" happiness.

Small moments of serendipity or natural beauty give me that happiness too... finding a small flower in an unexpected place. Looking up and seeing bright orange fall leaves silhouetted against the evening sky, a rainbow around the sun on a summer morning bike ride. "Beauty is God's handwriting, a wayside sacrament"... Anyway, those are the little things that give me thrills.

[Pax]

...

I love to quilt and knit and sometimes sketch... I made a wall quilt with the saying "Happy Hands, Happy Hearts". I feel happiest when I am creating something...anything really. Maybe even just a good soup on a blustery day. It gives me a deep down "soul" happiness.

...

I've always wanted to experience contentment when doing "home" things, and I have but only for short periods of time, then I want to be on the move again. I'm definitely a wanderer, happiest in motion.

[ny biker]

I’ve been saying forever: you are the master of your own destiny. If you’re unhappy about something, DO something and stop whining.

Just wanted to comment on this -- sometimes we have the ability to make changes to address the parts of our lives that make us unhappy. But it's not always that easy -- there can be complex reasons why you can't just DO something and stop whining.

About 15 years ago I had a job that sucked all the life out of me. I was working 7 am to midnight every day for a woman who was insane. She would routinely yell at people until they ran out of the room crying. The client was impossible to please, I was in way over my head and had no one to help me. If I asked someone for help, the crazy b*tch yelled at me, told me if I didn't know the answer to a client's question I should just make something up. I was losing weight, unable to eat more than half a meal a day. And I was exhausted. One day I was walking down the street and a complete stranger who was passing me asked why I looked so miserable. But when I tried to update my resume and look for a new job, I was too exhausted and stressed out to think straight. And I was afraid to just quit, because unemployment didn't seem like a good choice.

As it turned out, the lunatic who ran the company reorganized and eliminated my position. When she told me, she clearly expected me to be devastated (since in her deranged mind there was no finer place to work). Instead I smiled and asked if she wanted me to leave immediately or stay long enough to transition my work to someone else. After my last day on the job, I hopped a plane for a weekend away with friends, and I still remember feeling like a thick fog suddenly lifted from around my brain, and I could think again.

(And then the stress finally overwhelmed my system, and I was sick with a bad cold, bronchitis, pink eye, you name it, for about six weeks, too weak to walk, nearly fainted while trying to do Christmas shopping.)

And that was just a job. Imagine feeling trapped in a hopeless family situation, where you can't just quit and find something else, where you might be living in fear, for yourself or for others if you leave. You might want to leave but don't know where to go or how to support yourself or how to find someone to help you.

If you have a happy life with the ability to solve problems by making a few changes, you are actually quite lucky.

[Helene2013]

NY Biker,
As I said also :

True, sometimes it is harder (when a serious illness like cancer get in your way). But for the most part, when a door closes, another one will open. Always keep all your options opened!

Change is hard. Rarely anyone like to change what seems to work for them, and even when not. The unknown and readapting is never fun. In general that is. Sometimes we are so deep into something we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and when we see it, it's the train ramming into us.

But nowadays, we have the tools and we should use them. I've had my share of issues when young adult. My picture was not all pink and full of glitters. I made tough decisions. Could have taken the wrong ones but I did not care. When you go through a burn out in your early adulthood and need to consult various types of specialists (and they make you swallow pills like they were M&Ms) to regain your life back but in the better, you don't see life the same way.

I had a job similar to yours (then). That woman was millionnaire and could not care less if she lost staff by the dozen. She wanted them replace like yesterday. Period. I remember seeing her hit her bodyguard! Then right after she could be rolling on the floor with her dog and having fun! Lunatic you say! But she is one of the brightess person I ever met. She did make me grow a lot, in a way as she would push you to be the best you can and offer the best service. I still carry this today. But one day I had enough and told my husband that I could not last that long. I was afraid of dropping a 13 year old job. Hard to go back with your cv in this wild world again. He told me to find a job before quitting. It would look better. I promised him to work hard at it. 2 days later...they abolished many positions and mine was in it! The best thing that ever happened to me - work wise. Sure it was scary, I had unemployment, but it is nothing compared to my regular pay, no clue how to present myself anymoreetc. But I then worked for a phone company for 10 years (before being let go again in a buy-back). But the burn out I went through in my mid-20s taught me that nothing is worth stressing about. No job, no boss, no marriage. I have people in my life that I chose to be around. They bring me good things, and in return I hope I give them good things too.

All this to say, abilities are not for everyone and you are right. Timing is sometimes to meet the right person that comes along in your life and you can make a turn for the better. But you have to be opened and willing to make a change. You have to be able to grab that opportunity and turn it in your favour. Being "strong" is not given either to all of us. And often, it is easier said then done. I know..been there!

Right now I could not have a better life, better philosophy. I have my ups and downs and own issues to go through. But nothing to prevent me from sleeping. There is a solution to every problem. Most of the time.

[shootingstar]

NY Biker,
All this to say, abilities are not for everyone and you are right. Timing is sometimes to meet the right person that comes along in your life and you can make a turn for the better. But you have to be opened and willing to make a change. You have to be able to grab that opportunity and turn it in your favour. Being "strong" is not given either to all of us. And often, it is easier said then done. I know..been there!

To be fair some people are in very difficult situations especially if they have young children and cannot /choose not to walk away from their responsibilities. And then combine that responsibility with serious depression.It's much easier as a single/child-free person to have greater latitude of choice/independent action.

So I can say, that I know what makes me happy -- being in a safe, warm home, food, loved ones, doing stuff I enjoy whenever I want after work/earning money each day and being independently mobile. This suite of benefits alone is a lot. I feel joyful to be alive and mobile but only that. AS nyc said, there are different levels of happiness at different times in life.

[Crankin]

I don't want it to sound like all my happiness comes from my DH! It's just I see so many people in unhappy relationships, and I know I am lucky. I'd rather be single than stick with an azzhole. I had an early, horrible marriage/relationship and when I got divorced, I swore I'd never let myself get in that situation again. I made some bad relationship choices between ages 17 and 24. Well, actually one really bad one at almost 18, and a few minorly bad ones at 23-24. It all worked out for the best, but sometimes I think, "What was she thinking???" I made the wrong decisions even as I knew I was making the wrong decision! I tried to convince myself I was happy all through college, but I was miserable.
This topic is quite appropriate for me today. I don't really want to discuss why, but the person on the other end of my really bad decision ended up in a hellhole situation... and is still paying for it, 43 years later. I truly am thankful and happy that my DH is around! Every single one of my close friends from AZ are divorced (ones DH committed suicide right before we left, she's been married twice since and is now happy). I was always jealous of these people a bit; they did a lot more stuff when we were young, traveled, etc. I definitely ended up in a better place than some of them.

[salsabike]

If you have a happy life with the ability to solve problems by making a few changes, you are actually quite lucky.

Yes, indeed. One of my closest friends lost her relatively young husband to a horrible illness, and is now on her own in trying to cope with having a very mentally ill adult daughter who has tried every conceivable program and medication with limited effect. There really are times when all of the available tools and the attempts to have a great attitude are not enough, and people cannot always control what happens or solve every problem. It is harder for some people to find happiness than others, and luck can play a big role.

Things that make me happy: Being outside. Animals. Birds. I feel very lucky in my friends, who are smart and funny and sane and care deeply about the world. Lucky to have my husband whom I still consider to be the coolest guy I know. Music. Books. Our cats. Other people's dogs and children. I like kids a LOT--they sort of renew the world for me (nothing like hearing a baby laugh with delight, right?). Art. Hiking, especially in Glacier Park. Traveling. Tandem rides that are hilly. People who care about the world and try to do their bit to make it better.