Dear So and So

[emily_in_nc]

And take out a restraining order if he harasses or stalks you. Be careful -- he sounds volatile.

[Catrin]

X - be cautious!!!!

My trip home to my nieces wedding was very nice. Very simple backyard wedding, and our wine glasses the night before the wedding were mason jars

I am no longer concerned about my sister's husband. He is a good old country boy who isn't quite right - but that doesn't make him dangerous. Some would probably say that about me I do think he "enhanced" the nature of his previous employment to impress my sister and is now stuck, not knowing how to own up to it as things moved so quickly. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened in the world of relationships. From his perspective he is in heaven as he WAS living in a camper on the side of a mountain with intermittent electricity.

I AM concerned about my sister, her behavior is very concerning. I don't really think he is the cause of that, neither does our other sister now we've had a chance to observe things for a few days. Nothing we can do about this however but to be supportive and see what happens. If I could have gotten her alone for a talk I might have asked about some of the strangeness, but that proved impossible and might have been for the best. Things are as they are, and there is nothing I can really do about it. She appears to be happy, regardless of her unusual behavior, and is once again in a situation where she must take care of someone with multiple health problems. That seems to be her comfort zone after taking care of our mom for so many years. It is what it is.

[Crankin]

Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.

[Catrin]

Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.

Thanks Crankin, I've been thinking the same thing - I had some personal experience with this back in the day (I liked the bad boys). The man is missing a foot and has had several organs transplanted, and she is a nurse, so 6 months after our mom passed she is back in the "care giver" mode. She does appear very happy with everything so I am not about to rain on her parade without being asked/without evidence of abuse.

[Xrayted]

Thanks for your concern. She has serious mental issues that she needs to address. The mental games she played with me after the first few weeks was just unbelievable. After talking to a counselor and friends, I came to my senses and realized that she was really messing with me. The fact that she dumped me on the day my Mom's biopsy results came back because I couldn't give her my full attention, just reassures me that I made the right decision to walk away. She just happened to say it first. I'm okay and I have plenty of support here and outside of the area. Thanks.

As for your sister, she's a big girl. You can't show her a path that she isn't prepared to take yet. And what makes you think she isn't happy just because she took on a responsibility for another human being that you maybe wouldn't have? The nurse in her says this is right, the woman in her told her this is right, the human in her told her this is right. It may be right "right now" or "forever". No way to know. She is getting something out of it. He is too. As long as both agree that it works, just allow them to be happy. Not everyone who lives the way he was is a bad person. Most aren't. They just have had no one to be there when they needed it the most. I think whatever this guy went through, he still kept a roof over his head and in doing so, also kept a bit of his dignity. Allow him the rest and the bounce back now by giving him a bit of respect and encouragement. Don't look down on him, help raise him up. You seem to be on this path in your heart, now turn it into action. There are tons of people out there who just need someone to believe in them again and they will soar.

[Catrin]

Agreed Xrayted - and that is what I was actually trying to say. I was far more concerned about HIM before I actually met the man. Time will tell, but I am no longer concerned about him at this point. Everyone was concerned about him taking advantage of her, but I don't THINK that is what is happening. I am more concerned about her uncharacteristic behavior that has everyone scratching their heads, but she has had major changes in the past 6 months. She has chosen her path, and I hope that she has finally found a good path for her, she has had two horrible marriages. I don't live close, so I am not around from day to day.

[Sky King]

Call me old, but texting over phoning me after 10pm for non emergency stuff is inconsiderate. I keep my phone on "just in case" because I don't have a land line but am amazed at people who
think nothing of texting or leaving voice mail messages at a late night hour. I have taken to leaving it on vibrate and in the other room.

I even mentioned it to someone who called me at 11:30 the other night and she said "oh was it to late" hmmmmm how am I supposed to get my beauty sleep

[emily_in_nc]

Thanks for your concern. She has serious mental issues that she needs to address.

Ooops, sorry -- I assumed "he" and may have missed your saying "she" in your post. Not that it matters, though I tend to think obsessive and/or mentally unstable men are a bit more likely to get violent/dangerous than obsessive women. Maybe just a stereotype, though!

[Xrayted]

Emily, there is no apology needed. I'm not offended. There is no reason to be. But I do agree, that men do tend to get the reputation of being more violent than women. I think because women go for the kill on emotions rather than physically. That can last much longer and be a much deeper pain in many ways. I've seen men destroyed forever by one bad woman in their lives over and over. I always wonder why people treat each other like that instead of just leaving and saying goodbye. ???