Negativity? Depression? How to make a friendship with doom and gloom?

[Irulan]

The problem was that, at that time, if I hadn't "stepped up", she never would have gotten to the hospital, wouldn't have been able to feed herself, woudn't have been able to go to/from her surgery or appointments - nothing. Everyone else had already been so manipulated by her that they were ignoring her or were out of town at the time. Her own mother deserted her. I was able to be there for her.

This is where she shows she is a master manipulator. These people are really smart and resourceful. I'm sure she would have figured something out, even if it meant calling a taxi to get to the hospital or having a nurse come into the house. She mostly like would not have died on the floor or starved to death without you "being there".

[ny biker]

This is where she shows she is a master manipulator. These people are really smart and resourceful. I'm sure she would have figured something out, even if it meant calling a taxi to get to the hospital or having a nurse come into the house. She mostly like would not have died on the floor or starved to death without you "being there".

Again, totally agree.

It can be very hard to walk away from someone that you have had a long relationship with, and it can be hard to say no when you feel the person needs help from someone. But above all, you have to take care of yourself.

[rebeccaC]

Again, totally agree.

It can be very hard to walk away from someone that you have had a long relationship with, and it can be hard to say no when you feel the person needs help from someone. But above all, you have to take care of yourself.

I focused on dealing with negativity because I don’t know a lot about the behavioral, neurological and chemical aspects of depression. I would assume manipulative behavior can be part of managing painful emotions and an indication that the person doesn’t have the skills to deal with it. For a good friend and someone I cared about I’d want professional guidance on the best way to help them without enabling destructive behavior. I’d also look at it as a positive learning experience for me.

[ny biker]

I focused on dealing with negativity because I don’t know a lot about the behavioral, neurological and chemical aspects of depression. I would assume manipulative behavior can be part of managing painful emotions and an indication that the person doesn’t have the skills to deal with it. For a good friend and someone I cared about I’d want professional guidance on the best way to help them without enabling destructive behavior. I’d also look at it as a positive learning experience for me.

If someone is insulting you and causing you health problems and having her mother call you an awful person because you're not sacrificing enough of your well-being to help them, that person is not a good friend.

I once read something about a group of people who were climbing Mount Everest. There was a point where one of the guides had to leave a person behind, even though he knew it would mean that person would die. It was hard to do, but it was necessary because if he had stayed with that person any longer, the guide would have died too. He had to make the choice to save himself.

I think sometimes you have to make that difficult decision. You have to decide to take care of yourself, because the cost of helping someone else is just too high.

[Irulan]

Agreed.

I'm way past giving anyone a pass on their behavior because of what might be the root cause.I've been through hell too but it doesn't mean I have to be toxic to my community. Sometimes the best way to help someone without enabling them is to give them full accountability for their behavior (even it if is driving you away), or to not prevent a crisis if one if is in the making.

[Crankin]

NY and Irulan, your thoughts are so right on. I wish more people lived by the premise of "take care of yourself first." Not just my clients, but everyone. The analogy I give people is that it's the same principle as what they tell you to do on a plane; put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you assist your child. Time and time again I've been called cold and mean, mostly by friends, but clients often say this is the best advice they've been given.

[Irulan]

Thank you. I will say this, it's been a long journey to emotional health and I continue on that journey every single day. (umpteen years of therapy and continued 12 step work) I personally never had to deal with disconnecting with a toxic person but I've been surrounded by many who have; I've been a witness. Part of it is that you have to get to a certain level of emotional health yourself before you can start to see the toxicity around you.