Need Interpretation of Male Cyclists' Body Language

[malkin]

Yah--12 texts on Christmas certainly sounds to me like he likes you, and that he's lonely. Like Crankin said, enjoy the attention, unless you don't.

As for what the body language means, I think it is curious enough to wonder about, but not enough to worry about.

[thekarens]

That's not necessarily true (though it very well could be) some men are just chatty Cathys. I know a few men like that. They just like to talk. Or he could be bored, lonely, etc. Or he could be looking for a good friend and since y'all have some things in common he's progressing the relationship.

I wouldn't sweat it, just make it clear where you stand.

[DarcyInOregon]

Thanks Crankin. I will forget the body language then, but if it happens with a third bike dude who is single too I will be puzzled for sure.

Can I ask you a question about dating. With Bike Dude #1, when I met him in a group ride I wasn't thinking men at all because I was in deep grieving. Our bike rides went from group rides to just him and I, and we biked a lot out of his town, about 20 miles from me. When I put together a ride, I am about the terrain, get in the hills, get in the distance, keep my speed up, and limit my stops. When this guy put together the rides, it all seemed to be about stopping at rural park benches along with small town coffee shops, so there is always a lot of sitting around chatting and getting to know each other. Eventually I gained some awareness and talked with the members of my all-female training group and they said that the rides seemed real date-like. So I told the fellow one day that we are platonic friends. I had to, I was in mourning and not thinkng about men. He didn't go away and here it is winter in Oregon with temperatures on the bike below 40 degrees and we are getting together and biking, plus all of the communications from him, just about every day. The problem on my end is that all of those chats on the benches and coffee shops and the communications got me to know him, and I've ended up liking him, now that I am out of mourning. I am rather annoyed by it because I think I was wooed and I didn't realize it, never saw it coming, just wasn't thinking men, was only thinking what an odd way to have a bike ride with all of the stops to sit and chat, just him and I. I mean seriously, did anyone else get over 12 texts from a single bike dude on Christmas Day? It is a first for me.

And that is why the body language happening again with the second bike dude who is single too got me worried, that maybe it is an alert for me that I may have to contend with another bike dude who shows interest.

The ride with bike dude #2 was only on Monday. Bike dude #1 introduced me to his Monday riding group. I rode with the group, nice people, though they ride real slow. Then this last Monday I show up for the ride and it is raining of course. Bike dude #1 sent me a text cancelling because he wasn't feeling well. I am standing there waiting for the group to show up and only bike dude #2 shows. I introduce myself, ask him to lead as I don't know the area, and off we go. I beat him up some hills, he pulls then I pull, he beats me up some hills, and at a stop at the top of a hill about 80% through the route is when he exhibits the same body language with the leg gyrations and head swiveling and I go oh no. After the ride bide dude #1 finds that I rode only with bike dude #2 and I get a frenzy of texts from him, then again on Wednesday.

I need to know when a single bike dude thinks a ride is a date versus a ride. I have no clue!

[ny biker]

Darcy, I'm very sorry about your husband. I was searching through some old threads the other day and saw an old post from you and realized we hadn't heard from you in a while.

Re: single men, I have no clue either and I've been single all my life. Many of them do seem to equate interest in conversation with interest in dating/sex. I can't really picture what they were doing, but maybe they were stretching or something? Anyway I agree with Crankin on setting boundaries with dude #1.

[Crankin]

OK, Darcy, disclosure, I'm not single, but I do ride with a group that's mostly 50s and up, and I get a pretty good idea of current relationship trends in my line of work (I'm a therapist).
Believe me, it's natural and probably better to find dating interests through shared interests such as cycling, as opposed to elsewhere. It sounds like #1 was jealous, whereas #2 just wanted to ride? Most of my rides are pretty social, too, even the ones with lots of guys. But, it's the nature of the group I ride with. Even the "faster" group (almost all guys) participates in the lunches and parties. They always encourage me to ride with them, and they'll stick by me if I do. We have a set average for both the regular and faster group, so it's definitely not all about the stats, it's about the fun, though it can be a little competitive. That said, I would not feel guilty or annoyed that you were "wooed." Everyone mourns differently, and wanting a relationship is perfectly normal, if you want it. I say this, because now you find you actually enjoy spending time with guy #1 and there's no reason you shouldn't.
And don't listen others on this, listen to yourself. Many years ago, when I was in my mid thirties, a friend of ours died in a gruesome way. His wife, my friend, started dating fairly soon after this. The gossips were clucking. They really didn't know the whole story, but even without that, she did what she felt was best. And, 25+ years later, she is happy and fine. I know that personally, if my DH died, I would not want to be alone forever.

[OakLeaf]

+1 on listening to yourself. Everyone does grieve differently, and decides differently when they want a new relationship.

A friend of mine was widowed just over a year ago, and she's in a new serious relationship, and her FB posts are full of her adventures with her new beau - yet she still sometimes posts about how much she misses her first husband, and just observed the anniversary of his death. Meanwhile, my mom, who was widowed probably about the same time as you, is very conflicted ... she went to a singles group and met someone who was interested in her, and they've been on a couple of outings, but she can't bring herself to think of them as "dates," and she's been up-front with the guy that she's not ready to think about a relationship yet. In both of those cases - and it sounds like in yours too - if the other party understands that you're still finding your way through your grief and is willing to give you the time and understanding you need with that - do whatever makes you happy.

[malkin]

Thanks Crankin. I will forget the body language then, but if it happens with a third bike dude who is single too I will be puzzled for sure.

No kidding! Maybe it is a local infectious phenomenon. Or maybe they are zombies or something!!

I need to know when a single bike dude thinks a ride is a date versus a ride. I have no clue!

You may never know what the dude is thinking. The important thing is to stay clear about what you are thinking and feeling. It sounds like you are pretty rational and aware of these things already.
Take care!

[Catrin]

It's been so long since I've been on a date that I would have no clue, dating has changed a great deal over the years. Malkin does have good advice, and it sounds like you are very aware of your feelings right now and that is a good thing.

Then again, I've been single for a couple decades now, and I don't expect that to change so you probably shouldn't listen to me