...right out of your hair!

[bikerz]

Hey Lise - sounds like a great ride! And the perfect attitude!

I'm suddenly single after my 14-year relationship ended - and totally dreading sidling into the dating scene as a 40-something (good grief - I was still in my 20's last time I was single!)

But a friend of mine told me way back then that I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful way to think - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!

Meanwhile ride, ride, ride and give that really great guy time to get ready for you!

[Trek420]

bikerz sez "a friend of mine told me...I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful... - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!"

I dunno about that, I've given the next ms Trek over 50 years now to get ready to go. Cheezits, how long's it take the gal? I didn't think I'm that complex or demanding.

But on the other hand good theory, whatever takes the pressure off is ok by me.

OT I think Queen and her DP are on the road as we speak headed for the sunshine and Southwest. Maybe they will bring the sun this way.

[Lise]

Hey Lise - sounds like a great ride! And the perfect attitude!

I'm suddenly single after my 14-year relationship ended - and totally dreading sidling into the dating scene as a 40-something (good grief - I was still in my 20's last time I was single!)

But a friend of mine told me way back then that I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful way to think - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!

Meanwhile ride, ride, ride and give that really great guy time to get ready for you!

Sorry to hear about the end of what you'd put so much time and love into. I hope that next one is getting ready and looking for me...I learned, and will keep learning, a lot about myself in the past month. Hope it makes me more ready to be discerning and open to the next "right" one. Same for you, for us all. L.

[betagirl]

I too wonder how you talk on the phone and rollerblade at the same time....

Guy demons be gone!

[Trek420]

betagirl "Guy demons be gone!"

wouldn't that make a great name for a Shampoo as in "It'll wash that man right outa your..."

[Grog]

Hey Lise,

I found this out of the cellar archives. Enjoy the passages about "fit".

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=3194

Ride on girl!!

[Lise]

Thanks for the link, Grog. Good reading. I've been reflecting, this week, on my desire for the prestige of having a partner. The old idea that "I'll show the world I'm OK because so-and-so wants to be with me." What an abuse of another human being that really is. This guy who disappeared did not fit well with me, obviously. He had external aspects that met my desire for prestige and security. He reminded me of my dad, in good ways. He looks good on paper. We had physical "chemistry". He is an ex-pro baseball player, and listens to/watches sports a lot. But he showed no interest in my athletic endeavors. There would be no rides or runs with this guy. I was already wondering how I was going to date him and train for triathlons and my first century ride this summer.

He just did me a favor by taking himself out of the picture sooner rather than later. I would've appreciated the dignity of "good-bye", but there's another piece of evidence that we were not a good fit.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 5 years longer than I should have. The first episode of physical violence should have been the last. Of course, I had just sold all my furniture and moved in and told everybody that at last I'd found my soul mate, blah, blah, blah. Prestige. Couldn't admit I was wrong. What a powerful skill that is. To be able to say, "I was wrong".

By the time I was out of that, I was 30# overweight, I'd cut my hair to within an inch of my scalp, etc, every outward manifestation of misery possible. I found some new friends who are active, healthy, and working the 12 step program I've been part of for 21 years now, but had let that practice slide. So, now, six years later, here I am. An athlete. I'm active in my own spiritual and physical well-being. My hair's below my shoulders, and I can walk away from an unhappy end to a dating relationship with dignity and some sense of humor. Here sure beats there!

Here's to all of us who know the value of a good hard ride on a beloved bike. L.

[Grog]

What you say Lise about prestige is right, even if I probably would have used the word "security" instead. Emotional security, I mean.

I will not deny that one of the great advantages of sharing a life with someone is (or should be) occasional reassurance on self-worth. Having someone to hug you, to tell you 'I love you' and 'It's all going to be fine' is great on a tough day when feelings of uncertainy about competence or capacities abound. Friends can play that role, but they're not necessarily around. When single, tough days can seem more frequent, and building this reassurance can be hard.

I am happy to have been through periods of celibacy in my life. Those were good times (mostly), when I learned a lot about myself. Yet, I'm also happy that I met someone else (after starting that thread you just read). And I'm still learning a lot.

You're totally right that the first episode of abuse is one too many. It is strange how human beings - mostly women it seems - can live with the contradiction of finding emotional security in someone abusing them. But I understand how it can happen, and I am very admiring of you for emerging out of that relation a few years ago (and become an amazing chick in the meantime!!!).

So I agree that we shouldn't stay in relationships for the sake of prestige or security, although I recognize how hard it is to walk out of that. When I look back on that relationship that ended in June for me, I realize how unfulfilling it was on the emotional side, even if there were other aspects of the relationship that were interesting. Still, I had decided to put up with that, and it ended up being him that left me. Good for me! I have been lucky enough to meet someone who's totally caring and considerate, who not only loves to cycle but also encourages and inspires me in going further, in athletics and other areas. Of course not everything is perfect - I don't believe in the perfect fit, even if I find the metaphor useful - but I am slowly learning to discern what I find really, really important in a relationship, and what doesn't matter that much.

There are good guys out there. And you're a great girl. I am confident that you'll meet a good match sometime, but in the meantime I also know that you're so strong that you'll have no problem being on your own. Plus, you need time to train, right?

[KSH]

Thanks for the link, Grog. Good reading. I've been reflecting, this week, on my desire for the prestige of having a partner. The old idea that "I'll show the world I'm OK because so-and-so wants to be with me." What an abuse of another human being that really is. This guy who disappeared did not fit well with me, obviously. He had external aspects that met my desire for prestige and security. He reminded me of my dad, in good ways. He looks good on paper. We had physical "chemistry". He is an ex-pro baseball player, and listens to/watches sports a lot. But he showed no interest in my athletic endeavors. There would be no rides or runs with this guy. I was already wondering how I was going to date him and train for triathlons and my first century ride this summer.

He just did me a favor by taking himself out of the picture sooner rather than later. I would've appreciated the dignity of "good-bye", but there's another piece of evidence that we were not a good fit.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 5 years longer than I should have. The first episode of physical violence should have been the last. Of course, I had just sold all my furniture and moved in and told everybody that at last I'd found my soul mate, blah, blah, blah. Prestige. Couldn't admit I was wrong. What a powerful skill that is. To be able to say, "I was wrong".

By the time I was out of that, I was 30# overweight, I'd cut my hair to within an inch of my scalp, etc, every outward manifestation of misery possible. I found some new friends who are active, healthy, and working the 12 step program I've been part of for 21 years now, but had let that practice slide. So, now, six years later, here I am. An athlete. I'm active in my own spiritual and physical well-being. My hair's below my shoulders, and I can walk away from an unhappy end to a dating relationship with dignity and some sense of humor. Here sure beats there!

Here's to all of us who know the value of a good hard ride on a beloved bike. L.

Wow. What an amazing lady you are. To have gone through so much... and still have such a warm, wonderful spirit! And to be an athlete now... impressive!

I understand what you mean by "prestige". I would love telling people I was married... to be "in the club"... but the reality of it, was that it was a miserable hell.

I too could not be wrong. I had met my "soulmate"... a month after meeting we decided to get married. A year later, we did. The night before our wedding we were fighting, and this thought came into my head... "DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN". But, I had too much pride. My friends and family had come to Mexico, and I was not going to be the screw up again... I was not going to lose face by canceling the wedding. Now, I know... I should have lost my pride and sucked up being scrutinized by my loved ones.

Since getting a divorce (he left, thankfully)... I have LOST that need to be "in the club". I don't care about having the "prestige" of having a husband... or even a boyfriend. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I know if he wasn't around, I would be just fine.

Life can be GREAT not dealing with someone else's moods... whims...desires and needs. It's so nice to focus on what you need. Men can be good to have around (only a few of them!)... but there is nothing wrong with being without one. And, let's be honest... being alone is 100 times better than dealing with a man's sh*t!

Stay focused on you and your life... make yourself happy. If someone wants to join you, great. If not, then your life will be just as wonderful!