Work lunch hr.: getting married

[limewave]

Nothing pisses me off more than when people assume that I was more concerned with my wedding day than with my new marriage just because I had a big wedding, unless it's when people assume that no wedding means, no planning or thought went into it. It's as bad as thinking that a guy wearing lycra bike shorts is gay.

^ I concur! Except I'm the opposite. I had a lot of criticism for deciding to get married (a decision we made together--not a traditional proposal) then getting married 4 days later (why wait???). I think people become critical when they are trying to process someone else's behavior/decisions that they don't understand (I've never been guilty of that myself). People are just different. To each their own.

[Kiwi Stoker]

Interesting, often couples of other cultures get married first at a registary office before having their traditional ceremony- I have know both Chinese and Indian couples doing this. I suspect they want to make sure their marriage is legit. There is absolutely no fuss involved, more like a business transaction. Maybe your collegue has something else in mind in the near future?

[indysteel]

Just to be clear GLC--I, too, believe in "to each their own" when it comes to weddings. I have nothing against those people who choose to have a big(ger) wedding--which is why I said in my first post that I understand why people have them and attach the significance to them that they do. I hope my comments did not offend and, if they did, I apologize. To be honest, I would have liked a small ceremony and reception, but the state of my family has skewed my feelings about celebrating things with them. My parents have a way of taking the joy out of things, so not having them there was more important than a communal ceremony.

[Melalvai]

My mom really wanted a much bigger wedding for me, but she was ok with my decision to have a small ceremony with only the immediate family. She organized a picnic 3 weeks later and invited all the aunts & uncles, so she sort of got her way.

I'm ok with any type of ceremony and if a couple doesn't have a lot of money for a big wedding and doesn't want to rack up debt for a big wedding, they are being fiscally responsible and that's a good sign for their future (not a guarantee of course). I liked our little ceremony and it was pretty much no fuss, and we have this nice little story now about how my husband, who is very quiet, took my mother aside and told her to stop bossing everyone especially his future wife around.

If I were to do it again I'd probably let Mom do the bigger wedding for me. I don't really regret having a small, low-stress wedding. But I feel differently about weddings now, after I missed a couple weddings of my cousins because they live too far away, but I was able to make the grueling drive to 3 funerals. There were too many relatives I only see at the funerals, and spouses & children that I only met at a funeral--or the one little girl that I never did meet. I met her little brother at her funeral.

I would like to see them at happier occasions. In recent years I have definitely made more of an effort to go to weddings when I'm invited, even if I don't know the couple all that well. I want to have more memories of weddings and happy occasions than memories of funerals.

[Blueberry]

I really see both sides of this. DH and I wanted to get married on the beach, by ourselves. My parents threw a fit, and we ended up having a ceremony that was a huge compromise for their benefit (not what we wanted - and they weren't paying). It was, at least, outside and still relatively small - but not what DH and I wanted. We would definitely do things differently now.

The BIL (who has been the subject of more than one dear-so-and-so post here) is planning a giant wedding next year in a big city - and we're already dreading it. It's what he wants, and it's what his fiancee wants - so that's great. It's scheduled when I probably can't go (class) - but he doesn't even know that yet. But - DH has no relationship with either of their parents for very good reasons. The brother has already told DH to be prepared to be screamed at my the relatives of one parent, and is contemplating inviting the very unstable parent who has very seriously threatened both DH and me (and with whom the BIL hasn't had a great relationship). BIL apparently expects DH to go and endure whatever is thrown at him so that BIL can have the day he wants without apparently exercising any common sense (he's entitled to invite who he wants to invite, but when you're telling a relative to expect verbal and maybe physical abuse - there needs to be a line drawn). BIL hasn't "decided" who he wants as his best man. DH told him to not worry about selecting him. In addition, BIL apparently expects that all of his male friends and my DH will take a week of their vacation and rent him a house so he can have a week long bachelor's party. In the meantime, we're carefully budgeting because I'm in school and we're trying not to borrow money until I'm actually in Medical School. DH is worried about this, and doesn't feel like he can say no, and I'm worried about everything including DH's safety. Gah.

[indysteel]

Jeez, Blueberry. That sounds awful. I sure know what I would do. It includes the words "with regrets, we will not be able to attend." I think drawing a line to protect oneself from verbal and physical abuse is acceptable. If BIL takes issue with that, then oh well. He made his choice as to whom to invite. Life is seriously too short for that kind of toxicity.

I have recommended this book many times, but it bears repeating: The Dance of Anger. It can really help people who are afraid to draw appropriate boundaries.

[Blueberry]

Indy-

I think I need to take your advice and read that book. I know what my answer would be, but there's the whole not wanting to make things worse piece. Bleh.

[MMEZ]

Ironically, I was sitting at work yesterday and around 0830 one of my employees called me (he works the overnight shift) and asked me if I could pick him up at 0945 and bring him to the Rathouse to get married at 1030! The only people in attendance were the Bride, Groom, 2 of her friends, myself and the Registrar. It was short and simple (done in two languages since we speak English, but it is required by law to also be done in German, so that was cool) and they both seem very happy. Unfortunately, she is leaving in two weeks and they won't be reunited until next July/August time frame