Dear So and So

[Crankin]

All good ideas.
I have continually encouraged DH to use the language of feelings with his brother, but brother has no schema for this. DH is in the parental role here, as his parents are both dead. The family doesn't really have any community that I know of, other than work friends, maybe parents of the kids' friends. Before they knew the sister was a good match, we suggested they hook up with the Jewish community, as there is an established agency that does this (tries to find matches) and that was shot down. We were made to feel bad that we didn't sign up to be tested, but DH told him the reason, as we both have pre-existing conditions that disqualify us, and then he understood.
The problem is no matter what the brother does, it feels like self-promotion, even if it's in the service of his daughter. As a therapist, I know what the reactions to serious illness are, and I feel as if I could be of help. But, he's focusing on all of the wrong things. And past experience with him is clouding my vision. We've been accused of being "unfeeling," about some things, but in reality, we are just very pragmatic. We've had bad things happen to us, and we just deal with it differently, I guess.
I wish I was closer with his wife, and I find it quite odd that he doesn't ever mention how she is doing.
I've always said they were going to implode because his response to stress is to buy something or get a new job. When my younger son went to visit them once for Thanksgiving, he called us and said, "Don't ever make me come here again; they have no soul." He was 18 and I understood exactly what he meant. I just feel badly for the girls, both the sick one and especially the sister.
ETA: OK, as I suspected, this is somewhat of a scam. We donated, BIL called to thank DH. On the web site,it says the donations are for expenses not covered by insurance. In reality, his insurance will pay everything, except 5K, as he told DH. He can easily afford that. He is asking for 25K to "upgrade" his home, so it will be germ free after she comes home from the transplant. I know this is necessary, but the point is, if he had been saving even a nominal amount, instead of buying a 75,000 car, as well as multiple other frivolous things, he wouldn't be begging. This is not someone who is poor; it's someone who spends compulsively and without thought. I read his blog posts and it's nauseating. When he told DH he couldn't sleep, DH emphatically said, "you need to get counseling." Instead, he's getting pharmaceuticals.