Dear So and So

[OakLeaf]

It's very common in my area to pass a public hat for medical expenses (and living expenses while a family member is undergoing treatment). Even if they have the best insurance, they're likely to be tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket. People put their stories in the newspaper and establish a trust account with a local bank, put collection jars in local stores, and/or hold a meal or concert or raffle to raise money.

You might suggest that he establish such a trust account if this website isn't an actual trust. When it's intended to be short-term and produce a minimal amount of income, he should be able to do it directly with the bank for minimal to no cost, or perhaps with his local community foundation. Perhaps being a trustee would make him wiser with the money; if nothing else, it would mean that contributions are tax-deductible.

It's my experience also that "you're sick, poor me" is an extremely common response. Not that it's ever appropriate, and from your description he's taking it to an extreme. But it's one of the reasons I'm more likely to vent about my own health issues here on TE, than with people I actually know. It's hard enough taking care of myself when I'm injured or in the midst of a serious health scare, I don't have enough left to have to take care of the emotional needs that friends, spouse, etc. incur because I'm injured or whatever.

[bmccasland]

Crankin, in addition to what OakLeaf said, I would continue to ask about how the kids are doing in coversations with that family. Yes BIL has feelings, but what is actually happening is to the girls, gifting bone marrow is not like donating blood, and the child with leukemia needs all the support she can get.

Also, is there a way to encourage the sister who's donating (and with the weight problem) to be more active as she recovers from the bone marrow donation? Getting her into healthy activities would help with her weight as well as dealing with personal issues and that her sister is sick (sick kid will get more attention than other kids).

[Crankin]

All good ideas.
I have continually encouraged DH to use the language of feelings with his brother, but brother has no schema for this. DH is in the parental role here, as his parents are both dead. The family doesn't really have any community that I know of, other than work friends, maybe parents of the kids' friends. Before they knew the sister was a good match, we suggested they hook up with the Jewish community, as there is an established agency that does this (tries to find matches) and that was shot down. We were made to feel bad that we didn't sign up to be tested, but DH told him the reason, as we both have pre-existing conditions that disqualify us, and then he understood.
The problem is no matter what the brother does, it feels like self-promotion, even if it's in the service of his daughter. As a therapist, I know what the reactions to serious illness are, and I feel as if I could be of help. But, he's focusing on all of the wrong things. And past experience with him is clouding my vision. We've been accused of being "unfeeling," about some things, but in reality, we are just very pragmatic. We've had bad things happen to us, and we just deal with it differently, I guess.
I wish I was closer with his wife, and I find it quite odd that he doesn't ever mention how she is doing.
I've always said they were going to implode because his response to stress is to buy something or get a new job. When my younger son went to visit them once for Thanksgiving, he called us and said, "Don't ever make me come here again; they have no soul." He was 18 and I understood exactly what he meant. I just feel badly for the girls, both the sick one and especially the sister.
ETA: OK, as I suspected, this is somewhat of a scam. We donated, BIL called to thank DH. On the web site,it says the donations are for expenses not covered by insurance. In reality, his insurance will pay everything, except 5K, as he told DH. He can easily afford that. He is asking for 25K to "upgrade" his home, so it will be germ free after she comes home from the transplant. I know this is necessary, but the point is, if he had been saving even a nominal amount, instead of buying a 75,000 car, as well as multiple other frivolous things, he wouldn't be begging. This is not someone who is poor; it's someone who spends compulsively and without thought. I read his blog posts and it's nauseating. When he told DH he couldn't sleep, DH emphatically said, "you need to get counseling." Instead, he's getting pharmaceuticals.

[Biciclista]

Crankin, this really is a strange story. My uncle died from Leukemia. It's a kind of cancer, and there's no cancer that I would trust behind my back. This guy really does sound strange, I hope SOMEONE is minding those two girls!

[Crankin]

I could write a nice case study on this family.
The mom is a good mom to the girls, but part of my discomfort is just the way they've raised their kids and how she treated her step-son, a kid who already had attachment disorder. Let's just say,if I had a daughter, it would be different.

[bmccasland]

Dear Dentist,
I spent 4 lovely hours in your chair yesterday. Thank you for finally noting in my chart that I Don''t LIKE the bite dam thing. However, I am not feeling the love right now as my temp-crown came off while I was eating my breakfast this morning. I wasn't chewing anything difficult, just a nice whole grain muffin (without nuts). So I quit eating, drank my milk, brushed my teeth and came to work. Left a message on your voice mail, so please work me in today. The nubbin of a tooth feels really "special" right now. grumble grumble grumble
And by the way, I'm hungry as I had yogurt with applesauce for dinner last night.